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Here's the Rub: The Best Male Masturbatory Aids (NSFW)

Posted: August 13, 2020
Here's the Rub: The Best Male Masturbatory Aids (NSFW)

The very best male masturbatory aids always have been and always will be porn - obviously - but recent developments in sex toy tech and gadgetry, and the fact that dating is even trickier during a pandemic than it is under normal circumstances has brought some new and exciting products to market that your hand alone is going to find very hard to beat.

Or, maybe better put, very easy to beat.

So get ready to undo your pants and say hello to your own little friend. These are my picks for the best male masturbatory aids.

Note: male masturbatory aids are priced as they were at printing. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.

Talking, Heatable Smart Sex Doll

Talking, Heatable Smart Sex Doll
Talking, Heatable Smart Sex Doll

No matter how you feel about sex dolls, there's no denying this sex doll is hot. A feverish hot, at up to 104 degrees F! She's smart too. Smart enough to tell you how good you heat her up, to moan in response to your touch of her nostrils, and to talk dirty when you lick her big toe.

Or, like, whichever other lady parts on her you program to audibly turn her on as they physically get the horndog juices flowing in you.

In other words, this hot and heatable sex doll also has WiFi, Bluetooth, and phone app connectivity that give you, her lover, the ability to set custom audio to accompany specified actions and stimulations on various parts of her body. That means moans, groans, screams, and cries of Oh yes, Big Daddy! during the deed, and then a warm body to hold you when you're done.

$1,199 ➠ Amazon

Paco's Taco Stroker

Paco's Taco Stroker
Paco's Taco Stroker

From the Tesla of masturbatory aids that is the smart sex doll, we go to the Toyota Yaris of them with Paco's Taco Stroker.

Not to slight Paco. In fact, maker Screaming O manages to combine many dudes' two great loves - soft tacos and jacking off - in this superb open-faced stroker they claim will satisfy every single time.

$12.99 ➠ Amazon

The JerkShirt

The JerkShirt
The JerkShirt

The JerkShirt is a forthcoming (say, 3 to 5 minutes?) classy blue button-up with a prosthetic arm you can move and position anywhere so you can maintain equal classiness as you jerk off in public. The 3:00 crash at work. The stressful brunch at the country club to meet your girlfriend's parents. The excruciating 12-hour flight to Europe. Combat fatigue, nerves, and boredom with your most favorite alone-time pastime on earth without getting fired, exiled, or arrested!

In addition to the decoy arm, the JerkShirt is also sized to accommodate your real hand and hide your crotchal region as you choke the chicken so you'll be as comfortable as you are covert in your self gratification. The shirt's interior also has a built-in splash guard to keep the deed mess-free and avert tricky questions about when you spilled Aunt Jan's pineapple Jell-O salad all over your lap.

Learn More ➠ JerkShirt

MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men

MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men
MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men

Mystery Vibes' Tenuto is the sexy toy company's first wearable vibrator for men, and the next in what appears to be a growing market. Though nowhere near as prevalent as vibrators for ladies, male vibrators just keep coming along. They've made a slow but steady build over the past few years, and 2020 could be the one that sees them grow even faster and stronger. The year that allows them to explode! into a happy ending for all the dudes out there who feel curious and neglected - curiously neglected - when their ladies have all the buzzing fun.

According to Mystery Vibes, the Tenuto vibrator for men isn't just about reaching an explosive orgasm, it's about staying "stronger for longer" with an "adaptable hold [that] maintains arousal for longer erections & pleasure." The Tenuto, uh, codpiece, if you will, is designed to stretch and adapt around whatever cock 'n' balls (and perineum!) you choose to push inside it. From there, a snug-as-a-snake-in-a-rug fit creates the increased blood flow, and extended erection and pleasure.

$169.99 ➠ Mystery Vibe

Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage

Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage
Fleshlight Quickshot Vantage

The biggest advantage of the Quickshot Vantage is that in addition to using it to enhance your wad-shooting endeavors solo, its open-ended construction allows you to use it to make your next blowjob a threesome too.

The Quickshot is also Fleshlight's most compact sleeve to date, and with its circular, wave-like texture and transparent construction, it "lends itself to a visibly commanding experience" for everyone involved.

$34.95 ➠ Fleshlight

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator

The Japanese-made A10 Piston has risen out of what its creators call a passion to become the pioneers of electric masturbators. While (surprisingly, yet on second thought not surprisingly at all) other piston masturbators do exist, this one's up-and-down thrusting piston structure features a choice of several movement patterns that realistically simulate the natural sensations and strong stimulations of actual and variable sexual contact. Basically, this robotic vagina's got everything but the human girl flailing around it!

Learn More ➠ Amazon

Uberlube Luxury Lubricant

Uberlube Luxury Lubricant

Since the self-driving car and going public things haven't worked out so well for Uber, they've decided to diversify with a foray into the personal lubricant business. Uberlube, a luxury lubricant for discerning "ridesharers," endeavors to do more for the sexually active who select it: "Instead of just being slippery, Uberlube is designed to transfer sensation while reducing friction."

OK, fine, I'm making it up. Well, not the existence of Uberlube luxury lubricant, or that quote, which the company legit uses as its pitch. But "the company" isn't the Uber on wheels we all know and love (or hate) but a completely separate business, itself called Uberlube, that focuses solely on supreme satisfaction through snake-stroking slickness.

$18 ➠ Amazon

Virtual Mate - Worlds' First Virtual Intimacy System

Virtual Mate - Worlds' First Virtual Intimacy System
Virtual Mate - Worlds' First Virtual Intimacy System

Virtual Mate is preparing to release some very slick - like, Astroglide slick - new technology. Self-described as "the world's first virtual intimacy system," Virtual Mate is a hyper-realistic VR sex game for your PC, laptop, mobile device, or VR Headset primed to beguile and get off everyone from gamers to, well, dudes with a pulse.

Learn More ➠ Virtual Mate

Tenga Flip Hole Male Masturbator

Tenga Flip Hole Male Masturbator
Tenga Flip Hole Male Masturbator

The Tenga Flip Hole is a male masturbator. Wait, no, a revolutionary male masturbator.

Tenga designed the Flip Hole to put the "master" back in masturbator. They note that, "While most of the male masturbation market has churned out artificial vaginas, [we] opted for improvements." A hard cylindrical case surrounds the device's flexible front face, which contains a trio of buttons. These activate an internal vacuum pump that outputs varying levels of squeeze, and gives users complete control over their experience. And it doesn't stop there. Inside the Flip Hole lie patterns of soft silicone elastomer shapes intended to engage and excite "every centimeter" of the tube steak touching them.

About $55 ➠ Amazon

Unleash the Kraken Male Vibrator

Unleash the Kraken Male Vibrator

While we normally think of the kraken as wielding tentacles of asphyxiation and death, what if in fact the giant squid is all about pleasure? What if his tentacles, as they appear willing and able to do in this male vibrator, just want to suck you into a strong, but soft squeeze? And then keep on sucking and squeezing not with hostility and aggression, but with love. In a way that makes you feel nothing but joy and happiness. Such happiness. Especially at the ending.

$19.99 ➠ Amazon
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