Goodies for Baddies: Gifts for Your Favorite Villains
Big picture, no. Villains do not deserve gifts or treats or brown paper packages tied up with string. They're mean. They're hateful. They're evil. But. They're also necessary. For without evil, there would be no good. No superheroes. No fairy tales. No happy endings.
So while villains may not deserve your kindness this holiday season, I say extend some to them anyway. Who knows - you might even be able to kill them with it.
And what, you ask, besides power, world domination, a dead superhero, or one million dollars could an evil villain possibly want as a gift from you?
For one, a hug.
But the rest of the items in my list of the best gifts for your favorite villains are pretty good choices too. And for those just creeped out enough by the Pennywise ornament above to want a little evil villain for themselves, check it out here from Crafty Con Art.
Note: Villain gift items are priced as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Thanos - Bob Ross: The Joy of Painting Series
What do you get the guy who already has Space, Power, Reality, Soul, Mind, and Time? Not to mention one who's a Titanian Eternal and needs no food, water, or air, can't contract terrestrial diseases, and won't die of old age?
My best guess: Bob Ross. Thanos has had a chaotic year of death and destruction. He needs some calm, a way to decompress. He needs happy little trees, and a happy little man with a soothing voice and an Afro showing him how to paint them.
Unlike Thanos, Bob Ross was not immortal (RIP, Bob). But his memory, his brushstrokes, and his Wet-on-Wet technique of laying down the paint live on in The Joy of Painting set of 10 DVDs. Nine, one-hour instructional sessions cover subjects such as Peace Offerings of Summer, Winter Glory, Seascape with Lighthouse, and Times Past.
The Night King - Mystical Fire Blue Campfire Colorant
So when people see blue flames licking around when the Night King is off with his zombie dragon, they'll assume it's Viserion breathing, not the Great Dead Ice Ruler building a pretty campfire to keep from freezing his ass off north of The Wall.
Mystical Fire packets turn all wood-burning fires (the ones in your living room included) into a circus of colorful flames. You can go all blue for hangin' with the Night King, or get multi-colored versions.
Dr. Evil - iRestore Laser Hair Growth System
Well, it's either this or a dozen sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. Sorry, Mini Me, Mr. Bigglesworth, the helmet doesn't come in sizes XS or Cat.
The helmet with the (eeeevil?) red glow and hefty price tag claims to be FDA-cleared as a treatment for hair loss and thinning hair in both men and women. According to iRestore makers, if you wear their robot laser hat for 25 minutes 3 times a week, "you can expect to see visible improvement in as little as 12 to 24 weeks."
Jabba the Hutt - 55-Gallon Barrel of Lube
True, Jabba might like to use this hefty drum to force Leia into a slave girl lube wrestling match. But I think a 55-gallon barrel of lube would come in even handier for him when he's forced to, say, get up and push his fat gangsta slug ass through a doorway.
The Joker - Dangerous Experiments for After Dinner
Here's the thing: you know the Joker has the real dangerous experiments for after dinner covered. The ones that involve bazookas and blow torches, razor-tipped playing cards and laughing gas. But given that he's been fully immersed in psychopathy since 1940, he's no longer capable of anything but 10/10 dangerous. He lacks the subtlety and non-deadly finish of entertaining a group of friends. And that's where Dangerous Experiments for After Dinner can help.
From sabering a bottle of Champagne to hanging a pear on a string over 2 criss-crossed knives, and then cutting the string to quarter the pear (?!) this daredevil deck of stuff to do besides talk about religion and politics is sure to be a big hit at the Joker's next dinner party. It pretty much guarantees his guests will come back for more. And by "more" I mean "alive."
Hans Gruber - SkySaver Rapelling Rescue Backpack
SkySaver backpacks are intended to serve as simple, practical escapes from multi-story buildings during fires or other life-threatening situations, such as when you're holding innocent people hostage while trying to steal $640 million in bearer bonds, and some lone wolf NYPD detective trying to win back his wife gets all superhero and knocks you off the roof to die. Hard.
The packs come with cable lengths of 80', 160', or 260', and all have been tested according to ASTM, ANSI, and Yippee ki-yay standards.
Lord Voldemort - 26-Pound Gummy Python
I mean, it probably won't last him as long as Nagini - and I would not recommend embedding a Horcrux in it - but I think He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named could use some fun and whimsy...and sugar and gelatin in his life. The gummy python measures over 8' long, and is especially good at luring in muggle children.
Ivan Drago - TheraGun Muscle Massager
Trust me, a man who "must break you" and goes 15 rounds to KO with Rocky suffers the consequences the next day if he doesn't stretch and massage his taxed muscles properly.
The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. It's a professional-grade tool for increasing blood flow, decreasing lactic acid buildup, and cutting off the pain cycle that typically follows intense workouts, boxing the shit out of someone, or having the shit boxed out of you.
The Wicked Queen from Snow White - Echo Dot
"Alexa! Who's the fairest of them all?" "Alexa! Give me the number of a huntsman!" "Alexa! Order me some apples from Prime Now!"
New for 2018 is Amazon's 3rd generation Echo Dot, with a softer, more decorative design, and improved sound quality.
Biff Tannen - Offencils Profanity Pencils (NSFW)
I know Biff won't be using these pencils to do his homework, but I feel like he could carry them around with him and pull one out at random when he needs to insult a McFly. "Butthead" is hilarious and all, but it's time to expand your repertoire, dude.