Hairy Chest Sweater
What sucks is that you're either blessed with a dense thatch of chest hair or you're not. There's no cultivating it, no sprinkling of fertilizer that will encourage it to grow. The only legitimate option for those bereft of the most definitive designation of being a Man is a tube of glue and a Santa Claus sack of swept-up clippings from the beauty parlor. However, anyone open to a slightly more obvious form of faking a pec rug can profit from the beauty and benevolence of the Hairy Chest Sweater.
I only wish they wouldn't have emblazoned the front of the sweater with an obnoxiously large gold dollar sign pimp chain. Not only does it spoil the purity of the lustrous field of virility, but also, uh, I don't need help in the 24 karat neck bling department. I've got a real collection of those. Gifts from Kanye West for my 29th birthday.
What else would the Hairy Chest Sweater be made of but 100% polyester? It also comes laced with grizzly bear hormones to provide an extra edge for anyone who swings that way.