Concrete Pendant Light

Discontinued

Concrete never really rivets me in sidewalk or flight of stairs form--unless I'm falling on and picking hunks of it out of my face I guess--but put it in a watch or on a lamp shade and I'm all, Duuuuude. This concrete...

A Christmas Story Leg Lamp Dress

Although this leg lamp looks slightly less frageelay than the iconic Christmas Story bulbed version, I bet if I don a beige cardigan and rub it the wrong way it will drop me like a sack of potatoes and cost a chunk of...

Your Face Mask

Discontinued

Your face. Your buddy's face. Your mom's face. Angelina Jolie's face. ThatsMyFace.com can make any of them for your creeptastic wearing pleasure. They can also make them for your creeptastic wall-mounting or refrigerator-magneting...

Belgian Waffle & Omelet Maker

$189.99 Amazon »

This gift from the heavens cooks a Belgian waffle and an omelet simultaneously. Concurrently. At the same fucking time. Do I even need to say triple-decker waffle omelet sandwich? Do I need to say anything else at all?...

Coonan Triple Threat Apocalyptic Kit

Discontinued

When I think of Coonan, I think first of .357 Magnums. But a close and immediate second is zombie and vampire slaying. And now I'm wondering if the firearms manufacturer and I have a psychic connection. I'm wondering...

Digital Dudz Animated Smartphone Costumes

$29.95 - $64.95 Morph Costume Co. »

Digital Dudz are back for Round 2 of their wildly popular animated, smartphone-enhanced Halloween costumes. 2013 designs are housed in infrastructures with lower profiles than the 1.0 versions', making them simpler to...

Iron Man Arc Reactor Soap

$5 GeekSoap »

Your source of power. Your one chance to defeat the spreading evil of germs, grease, and Cheetos dust. Lesley Karpiuk of Geek Soap custom designed her Iron Man Arc Reactor soap mold, and hand makes each piece in a "sultry...

Forest Fire Pit

$1,850 Etsy »

Here's a snicker-worthy case of accidental black humor. Officially titled the Up North Fire Pit, this hand-cut steel sphere drew its inspiration from the majestical scenes and wildlife of Minnesota's north woods. And...

Black Toilet Paper

Discontinued

This black toilet paper looks like the streamers my mama used to hang up in our kitchen for Halloween or when someone died. I hope the two don't feel similar tidying up my nether regions...

Hot Wheels Car Maker

Sold Out Amazon »

Hot Wheels aren't exactly cost-prohibitive so I'll still probably just buy a few when I get a hankering to dick around with toy cars at work, but for the kiddos and handy Daddy-Os out there who dig doing things themselves...

Naughty Vintage China

$22 - $140 Etsy »

Trixie Delicious' naughty china reminds me of sitting at an austere dinner table with my friend Cornelius and trying to destroy his composure by saying words like "penis," "boobies," and "cocksucker" under my breath...

Electronic Spidey Sense Shirt

$39.99 ThinkGeek »

Good news for men itching for superpowers but hesitant to accept the body-suctioning spandex--and in this case noxious spider bite--that often accompanies them. The Marvel Electronic Spidey-Sense T-Shirt grants a heightened...

Grip Coasters

Sold Out Amazon »

A coaster that fits drinking vessels of many shapes and sizes, from beer bottles to wine glasses, coffee mugs to sodie cans. That both protects its underlying surface and is color-coded for identification by a drink's...

Comfort-U Total Body Pillow

Sold Out Amazon »

Why is it that every photo I could find of this Comfort-U Total Body Pillow depicts a lady using it? Do men not want to experience the soothing, womb-like coziness of a giant stuffed parabola? Do we eschew the possibility...

Nest Protect Semi-Pleasant Smoke Alarm

Discontinued

I'm not on the best of terms with my smoke alarm. First it fell from the ceiling and went off. Then I left a few pounds of bacon in the skillet for too long and it went off. Then I had this girl over to watch Major League...

Bleeding Hand Candle

Discontinued

Poor Thing. Someone lit him on fire and in the absence of a mouth, or thumb and forefinger that can reach the top of his wrist, it looks like he's doomed to burn. If you give him a few minutes I hear blood will start...

Skull & Spine Beer Bong

$19.99 Amazon »

Obviously this skull & spine beer bong establishes instant credibility by appearing in photos with a can of PBR. Which is a gustatory delight because, as I say every time I take my first drink of a tall boy, it tastes...

Thorns In - The Glove You Can't Take Off

$865 Sruli Recht »

Thorns In meaning #1: Ten thousand mic-rose thorns lining the inside of this shark skin glove. Thorns In meaning #2: Ten thousand mic-rose thorns gouging fish-hook style into the hand of its wearer, such that pulling...

No Face Mask

$12.82 Amazon »

Sweeeeeet! I was wondering how I could pull off being a spoon for Halloween. Like mirrored sunglasses, the No Face Mask's outer film has a chrome effect that renders your mug invisible to onlookers, but keeps theirs in...

SinuPulse Nasal Irrigation System

$89.95 Amazon »

In a way the SinuPulse Nasal Irrigation System is just as gross as Nosefrida the Snotsucker nasal aspirator due to their similar purposes in life: extractors of snot. But in a way it's not because the Nosefrida is intended...

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

Biomechanical Spinal Armor

$750 Etsy »

JP Rishea of Bionic Concepts has created a bit of a name for himself in the cyber/steampunk gadgetry world. From his exo-gauntlet to his gas-powered LED wings, Rishea's designs always emerge as strangely tasty meals for...

Giveaway Closed

Giveaway: Griz Coats

Our contribution to your Halloween bedecking comes courtesy of yard upon yard of faux fur, wads of foam finessed into the heads of beasts, and the very generous ursine and lupine outerwear enthusiasts at Griz Coat. Enter...

OSM Kinetic Sculptural Toy

OSM = Object for Spatial Manipulation = a kaleidoscopic sculpture made of disks = pronounced "awesome". No joke. "OSM" sounds out as "awesome" because its designers have astutely noticed that that's exactly what this...