Alfred the Giant Crochet Octopus
I can't tell exactly how giant Alfred the Giant Crochet Octopus is, but if the evidence in the image gallery above is any indication, he appears to be the equivalent of 1 x standard lady who has not yet mastered the art of photographic lighting, camera positioning, or the selfie.
Alfred's adoption listing (i.e., Etsy shop So Wool So Cool) lists him just as available in sizes Small, Medium, and XXL, the latter the only real option, in my opinion. I mean, why spend a wad of cash on a crochet octopus if it isn't big enough to wow your friends, spoon at night, and possibly star alongside you in a new TikTok video series that makes people wonder if you're having relations with a crochet octopus like we all wondered if that dude from My Octopus Teacher was having relations with a real octopus?
Understandably, So Wool So Cool does not have a bunch of human-size crochet octopuses sitting around ready to ship, so if you want Alfred in all his tentacled glory for your home, or as a gift for your kid, you must place a custom order. Bringing the giant crochet octopus to life could take 4 to 5 weeks.
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Octopus Headphone Wall Hanger
Guess how many pairs of headphones you can hang from the Octopus Headphone Wall Hanger. ... Wrong! Not eight, but nine. Nine over-ear headsets will fit on M3is3D's rockin' octo, because the pink 'pus is an audiophile...
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The Animal Chair Collection
The Animal Chair collection constitutes a diverse range of species, from mammals to reptiles, and even insects. Each creation retains the animal's natural vitality whilst being totally biologically accurate in their appearance...
Kraken Flasks
Rejoice ye liquor-sipping non-smokers who thought the Octopus Pipes we featured last month would be cool, if only you inhaled. Kraken Flasks are here to evoke equal reverence from those who enjoy a fine swig of Scotch...
Octopus Kite
I don't think the giant 3D Octopus Kite that's for sale is quite the same as the giant 3D Octopus Kite flying in the above video. But maybe your kids won't notice that when, after showing them the graceful cephalopod...
Octopus Pipe
Usually when some smug schmuck tells me to put that in my pipe and smoke it I must restrain myself from punching them in the face. But I think part of the reason such restraint is necessary is that I don't often enough...
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The Rocktopus
Can you smell what The Rocktopus is cooking?! Mmmm, pulpo a la plancha...
Octopus Couch
Really this couch is called the Aster Papposus Sofa, but who knows what the hell an aster papposus is? I can't even pronounce those words together, and have just resorted to reading them as Snuffleupagus. To whom the...
/kraken-dildo-54104.jpg?mode=crop "Kraken Dildo")
Kraken Dildo
Unleash the Kraken Dildo! Seven inches long and suction-cup ready for anal penetration! ... Uh, what? On second thought, dude, keep that thing to yourself. I'm still reeling over the Corn Dog Butt Plug...
/pearl-diver-octopus-water-31933.jpg?mode=crop "Pearl Diver Octopus Water Fountain")
Pearl Diver Octopus Water Fountain
Yarr! I got me a wicked tharrst! Unleash the Kraken...water fountain. Sean M. Monaghan designed this octopus fountain, called Pearl Diver, for SPLASH! restaurant in the Santa Cruz Municipal Wharf. The double drinker is...
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Octopus Banana Rug
My doomsday prediction for 2023: the Octopus Bananas will come for us! And since we'll all be dead or enslaved, and unable to get merch and gear to remember it by, here's an Octopus Banana Rug you can buy before the Octo-Banana-pocalypse...
Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager
Hmmm, what do you think, is that picture Photoshopped? And if it isn't would you consider having a pinky-sized chunk of your cheek Stretch Armstrong-ed a foot away from your face: 1) relaxing; and 2) $81 well spent?...
Tentacled Shower Head
It's like...Kraken meets...car wash. Though Vado's adjustable shower head sculpture is missing the 2 arms that would elevate it to true octo status, 5 minutes behind the curtain flipping and pointing this spraying beast...