Unbreakable Slugger Umbrella

Posted: April 08, 2013
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Look at that dude standin' on his umbrella! Aw snap, he just wailed on an 80-pound heavy bag with it. Holy crap, now he used it to hack up a watermelon! That's sufficient enough evidence for me to believe the Unbreakable Umbrella holds true to its name. And that it can also double as a mother truckin' Louisville slugger to aid in self defense. Can you imagine whacking someone in the face with one of those things, and then strolling out into the dark and stormy night with nary a drop of water permeating your $1,200 suit? Bond would have nothing on that shit.

Weighing less than 2 pounds, Unbreakable Umbrellas are inconspicuous and legel to carry anywhere, but pack a punch as strong as a steel pipe. They stave off the rain, hold resilient in high winds, and serve as canes or walking sticks with equal finesse. An umbrella with gusto. Now there's something I never knew I always wanted.

Unbreakable Umbrellas look and function like normal rain reflectors. Standard models are machine-made with fiberglass and polyamide, while Premium umbrellas are handmade out of steel and high-strength aluminum (the difference being in warranty periods of 2 years and lifetime). Both versions have been field-tested by the Penguin and are guaranteed not to break under normal use.

According to the manufacturer, "Anyone who can use a stick for defense can use this umbrella." One time I took a class on Filipino stick fighting and even though I spent most of it flailing erratically and complaining about the blisters on my hands, I feel it qualifies me to carry an Unbreakable Umbrella. As soon as mine arrives I'm going to the hood for ice cream and then I might swing by the fights and hit on some of the boxers' girlfriends.

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