Glow-in-the-Dark Crowbar

Posted: January 25, 2012
Glow-in-the-Dark Crowbar

One thing that sucks about using a crowbar to beat someone up in a dark alley is the dark alley part. How are you supposed to tell if it's really connecting with the intended's face and other vital organs, or just delivering the equivalent of love taps to their fat padded ass while they groan and make "Stop, stop! Uncle!" sounds for show? A glow in the dark crowbar, that's how.

In the wake of Half Life video game weaponry, the crowbar has become "a symbol of resourcefulness and rugged individuality." If you're gonna bust shit up, you're gonna do it with panache, eh? And that means not spending 30 minutes digging through your shed or truck bed in search of an implement of destruction.

The Glowbar is fabricated from high-carbon steel, and then powder-coated in non-toxic, Silicate-Aluminium-Oxide, Nickelodeon slime green paint that glows 10 times brighter than other things that glow, such as fireflies and Rush Limbaugh's personality. And it will never--never!--wear off. No matter how many times you have to use it to pry open your ex's door when she refuses to answer it, even though you told her you just want to talk. No matter how many times you have to use it to smash your roommate's PC for hacking into your Facebook account, and filling in "Studied", "Lives in", "Employer", and "In a Relationship" statuses with "Mike Hawk."

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