Bulk Wrestling Jello

Posted: July 27, 2014
Bulk Jell-O Wrestling Jell-O
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I was just thinking the other day that I could stand for a good round of co-ed jello wrestling. But when I started doing the calculations to figure out how many boxes of gelatin-forming strawberry granules I'd need to fill my backyard swimmin' hole, I realized...I'm really shitty at math. It would definitely be way more cardboard and little paper sacks than I'm willing to paper cut myself opening though. And what a waste to spend all day filling a giant inflatable pool with red Jell-O only to be sidelined by lacerations when the 39" x 25" x 36" girls responding to my open Craig's List invite show up to use it.

However, after 30+ years of lazing around waiting for other people to do stuff for me, I have learned that where there's a problem, some go-getter type will always figure out a solution from which I can profit. Here, it's the Jello Wrestling Package. A giant bag of jello crystals ready for gelatinization, each Jello Wrestling Package makes up to 100 gallons of tussle-quality jello. Just dump its contents into an empty pool, mix with 100 gallons of water, crack a beer, and wait for the product to set. No stirring for 9 years to get the crystals to dissolve, and no precarious transfer of liquid from countertop to fridge. Also, to accommodate all 4 seasons, water can be added either hot or cold.

Whoa. Jello hot tub in January. Mind blown.

Jello Wrestling Packages are filled with a non-toxic, biodegradable, non-staining formula. That said, this J-E-L-L-O is intended for roughhousing and other jiggly shenanigans only. Please do not eat it.

Jello Wrestling Packages are a top Dude Gift for a Party pick.

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