The Married Kama Sutra

Posted: October 31, 2013
The Married Kama Sutra
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The Married Kama Sutra: The World's Least Erotic Sex Manual extols both the wild and nuanced interactions of married life, and categorizes them--with illustrations--into the next echelon of the ancient Indian guide to mind-blowing sex positions. Examples include:

  • [Husband and wife standing at foot of bed.] "When the toddler is at the grandmother's, and the man and woman have plans to go out, but decide instead to drug themselves with Ambien, at 7:30 p.m., because all they truly crave is the sweet release of sleep, it is called 'the waltz of the sloths.'"
  • [Husband and wife sitting at table with arguing second couple.] "When the man and the woman are at dinner with another married couple whose problems are even worse than their own, and they squeeze each other's hands beneath the table, and flash each other grins of superiority, it is called 'the perverse lovebirds.'"
  • [Husband and wife sitting on opposite ends of couch.] "When the man passes gas in front of the woman, without so much as an apology, it is called 'the shifting of the standards.'"
  • [Husband and wife sleep with child in between them.] "When the man lightly kisses the woman's neck, and the woman tenderly strokes the man's chest, and the child runs into the room screaming, because he heard a scary noise, or some other bullshit, it is called 'the interrupted congress.'"

Crap. The Married Kama Sutra sounds awful. Like a preparatory manual for decades of boredom and complacency and prescription meds. But it doesn't have to happen, people! 100% prevention is out there! It can be achieved!

It is called "the abstinence."

Just don't get married.

Muchas danke to The Awesomer.

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