The 17 Best Gifts to Warm You Up & Keep You Warm
When I say "The 17 Best Gifts to Warm You Up & Keep You Warm," I guess what I really mean is "The 17 Best Gifts to Warm Her Up & Keep Her Warm." At least that's the case in my household. Be it my wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, or my mama we're talking about, those ladies are always cold. And they're never colder than they are when I am burning up, with sweat running Giuliani-style down the sides of my face - and my nether regions! - and we're all together in a situation where there can be only one temperature experienced by all. Like in the car, or at the dinner table, or in bed under the covers.
That last one occurring only with my wife, you wisecrackers.
Anyway, if you've got a shivering lady in your life, if you happen to find yourself in a polar vortex, or if you're working from home this winter, and now faced with either running the heat a few degrees higher all day long and paying more for it, or finding other ways to keep your fingers and toes from turning to ice cubes, here are the 17 best gifts to warm you up and keep you warm.
Note: products are priced as they were at printing. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
DeLonghi Mica Panel Heater
My wife wants to install this Mica Panel Heater next to her face on the bedroom wall. I've never known a girl who's so cold all the time. Except my ex-girlfriend, Karen. But I always thought that was because the materials used to build her heart consisted of water chilled to a temperature of 0 degrees Celsius. She-Ra: Princess of Power has a heart made of normal human tissues and veins, but she still starts shivering and goose bumping up when it drops below 60.
Slippers. The most no-fail gift ever. Especially when you can stick them in the microwave to make them magnificently warm and cozy. And especially when they're extra plush and soft to the touch. And especially, especially when they come in colors Koala Bear and Chewbacca.
Zippo Hand Warmers
A Zippo in the hand is worth two in the bush (particularly because the latter is a fire hazard, kids). It's true if you need a light, and especially true if your fingers are so frozen they can't even flick one. Zippo's Hand Warmers bring the same Zippo durability, portability, and burn strength of the company's lighters to the arena of flameless radiation. A catalytic burner powered by Zippo (or other comparable) lighter fluid provides safe wrist-down heating during cold weather outdoor pursuits, cold weather outdoor sporting events, and cold weather trips to the homes of people who refuse to set their thermostat above 64.
Full Face Trapper Hat with Goggles
Goofy? Yes. Overkill? Maybe. But this full face trapper hat - with goggles! - is exactly the piece of headwear you need right now. Or at least need to get as a gift for your girlfriend, since it also comes in pink.
It fights frigid temps, it fights the 'rona, it fights facial recognition software, and it fights off any fool's attempt to tell you you aren't really a Tusken Raider!
Iris Blanket Warmer with Shoe Dryer Attachment
The Iris Blanket Warmer might take away the chill of a cold house and getting into bed this winter, but beware: it's wandering expandable airflow hose is probably gonna goose ya here and there too. Warm Breeze = Wonderful. Warm Breeze + Little Plastic Poke at the Back Door = Weird. ... But maybe a little wonderful too.
Iris' multi-functional electric Blanket Warmer slides under blankets, bedspreads or sheets to warm them up either before you snuggle in, or to run continuously / on a timer to maintain preset temperature conditions while you're there. The device also has a setting to help eliminate dust mites.
Polar Seal Heated Zip Tops
Polar Seal's Heated Zip Tops are favorites of Olympic skiers and Arctic explorers. People who chill...to the bone...in alpine conditions. People who understand that, baby, it's beyond cold outside, and head out anyway.
Polar Seal Heated Zip Tops contain built-in heating elements designed to warm their wearers into a state of cozy comfort (or at least negative temp bearability) in just 10 seconds. A pair of buttons on the Polar Seal sleeve control heating zones in the lower and upper back of the shirts, either separately or together, as well as set heat output to Low, Medium, or High - 104, 113, and 112 degrees F.
ALFI Wood-Burning Hot Tub
Not only does ALFI's Fire Hot Tub look like a slice of a cartoon spaceship, but its "engine" is a wood-burning fire pit. No electricity, generators, plugs, or drain connections required.
Fill the Fire Hot Tub with water from your garden hose, fill its wire basket with firewood, and strike a match. The metal coils surrounding the wire basket conduct the heat from the flames, pushing it laterally into the tub. According to ALFI, thus process can heat the 220-gallon tub to 100 degrees in about 2 hours. While you're waiting, enjoy a few glasses of bubbles from its built-in bar shelf, or roast some marshmallows over its fire.
Woo Warmer - Under-Rug Electric Floor Heat Mat
Dudes, are you ready to warm your woo? Or should I say, warm your boo's woo? The Woo Warmer is an electric floor heat mat that slides under any area rug or carpet to transfer up to 115 degrees of toastiness to the toes and tushies on top.
Available in 3 sizes, the Woo Warmer slides (mostly) unseen under your preferred floor covering, and then plugs into a standard wall outlet to distribute radiant heat over the mat's surface, and then upward toward the people (and pets - it's safe for them too) above.
The Hot Seat Heated Portable Camp Chair
Sometimes it's not possible to put a fire in front of you, and sometimes a fire in front of you just doesn't compare to a fire under your ass. Or, in the case of the Hot Seat Camping Chair, a USB-battery-powered integrated heat coil.
The Hot Seat is a heated folding camp chair made for cool nights and fall days when you're obliged to attend your 6-year-old nephew's painfully boring, and bitingly cold, 8 a.m. soccer game. The chair fires up with any portable USB battery you have lying around - and it's not included, so hopefully you do have one lying around - and outputs 3 levels of seat heat, up to 110 degrees F.
Fleshlight's Sleeve Warmer (NSFW)
Wait, so there's an alternative to just blowing in it first? This cutting-edge piece of technology from Fleshlight may look like a sex toy for your girlfriend, but it's actually a pleasure enhancement tool for you. The rod heats up and inserts into your Fleshlight's inner sleeve to warm it to "the perfect realistic temperature to mimic the female body." Yes, that's right. We're talking vagina levels of toastiness here.
iSiLER Portable Ceramic Space Heater
It's fitting that the iSiLER Portable Ceramic Space Heater is bright yellow because that color communicates sun and warmth. And also mustard. And if you were around this time last year, French's Yellow Mustard Ice Cream. Blech. I guess ruining the epitome of summer is one way to make the fact that it's over suck less.
Kotatsu Heated Table
Do you have to be a girl to want one of these super-cozy-looking Japanese Kotatsu? Do you have to be a girl to use the term "super-cozy-looking?" Oh well then. Call me a big ol' girl and send me a big ol' heated blanket table so I can slide my big ol' lazy ass under it and "work from home" the rest of the winter.
Skull Tabletop Fireplace
Now here's a handsome devil. A little hot-headed, perhaps, but it looks like he's got his flames under control. And those chiseled cheekbones! But the Skull Tabletop Fireplace does have one major issue: it burns only one type of fuel, and that fuel is rubbing alcohol. 70% or greater of the isopropyl persuasion.
Yep, the same kind you've been using to clean the COVID off your door knobs and countertops as you wait for someone - anyone! - to get some Clorox or Lysol back in stock.
How ironic that last year at this time a Skull Tabletop Fireplace that ran on a common household item rather than specially purchased biofuel or oil would have been a selling point.
Clay in Motion Handwarmer Mugs
If toasty hands indoors and out are on your drinking wish list, Clay in Motion's series of Handwarmer Mugs will help counter the degrees of a cold room or chilly spring night with the degrees of a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea.
The Handwarmer Mugs come in a dozen or so different color combinations, as well as your choice of a Righty or Lefty warming grip. Capacity is 14 ounces, and they're all dishwasher and microwave safe.
Heat Holders Slipper Socks
Heat Holders are hands down...feet down...the warmest socks I've ever worn. Sometimes they're even too warm and I break out in the feet sweats. I wish they had a photo of what the inside looks like because from the outside they don't look that different from any other pair of acrylic crew socks. But picture this: an interior lining of long, thick pile Chewbacca fur.
Lightsaber Willy Warmer
This Lightsaber Willy Warmer might be the finest expression of Grandmas's yarn I ever saw. Not a bad tribute to Star Wars either, presuming you've mastered The Force well enough to wield this saber once it's fired up. Better ditch the Uh-huh! and Oh baby! and start practicing your Swish! and Buzz!
Now this is the wearable of the season. I'd take a wearable blanket - hoodie style! - over pretty much any other wearable tech nonsense they've got going on right now.
Wearable fitness tracker? Pssh. Why try to burn calories and count them out when I can just yumyumeat'emup!, and then cover them up beneath a fluffy fleece cloud of coziness in front of the TV?