14 Must Have Eats While Under Quarantine
It's not that these 14 must have eats while under quarantine are any less delectable and covetable when we're not sheltering in place, it's just that building the Best Pantry Ever of snacks and candy, and a munchie- and meal-filled refrigerator Homer Simpson would be proud of wasn't our #1 pastime before the coronavirus.
OK, I won't speak for you.
Acquiring, consuming, judging, and creating extensive displays and Excel spreadsheets of tasty treats and hearty foods wasn't my #1 pastime before the coronavirus.
But it is now, and lucky for any other hungry dudes and ladies out there, I'm not a hoarder when it comes to my research and expert opinions. I'm happy to share with you my picks for the 14 must have eats while under quarantine.
4-1/2-Pound Tub of Reese's Peanut Butter Sauce
I think this 4-1/2-pound tub of Reese's Peanut Butter Sauce is basically a huge tub of peanut butter, but with a bunch of added sugar and whatever culinary voodoo Reese's injects into their Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups. They say you can scoop and pour it over ice cream, use it as a fruit dip, or pair it with hot fudge and eat it by the spoonful for the most mind-blowing oralgasm you've ever had.
I might have just inferred that last part, but you're with me, right?
Wilde Chicken Chips
Chicken + buffalo + thin & crisp chip = Wilde! Made of chicken, flavored like buffalo (or barbecue, jalapeno, pink salt, salt & vinegar, Nashville hot seasoning, or chicken & waffles) and sliced and cooked into wavy, wafer-like rounds, Wilde Chicken Chips are protein-packed healthy snacks fit for any King of the Munchies.
A combination of chicken bits, tapioca flour, coconut oil, and some seasonings that pound your tongue in a good way, Wilde Chicken Chips are a grain- and gluten-free alternative to potato chips. They are also paleo- and keto-friendly, and pack 14 grams of protein into each 2.25-ounce bag (listed as 2 servings, 170 calories per). Not a bad substitute on those quarantined nights you don't feel like roasting your own bird, and the delivery app is telling you it will be 55 minutes to get a rotisserie chicken to your door.
Chocolate Sea Salt RXBARs
Eating my first Chocolate Sea Salt RXBAR was like when Warren Beatty met Annette Bening. The player left the field. I didn't need to keep sampling the hundreds and hundreds of protein bars I'd been eating for a week here, a couple weeks there anymore. I'd found my protein bar soul mate. You think I'm exaggerating but, to steal an ingredient from RXBAR's recipe, this is no B.S.
It has now been 3 years since I had my first bite of sticky-chewy, cocoa-coated, flaky-Maldon-dotted egg whites mashed up with nuts and date paste, and the Chocolate Sea Salt RXBAR is still the best snack bar I ever ate.
Bonus points for their simple ingredients, low sugar content, long shelf life, and stackable 12-pack packaging.
You won't be flying nowhere no time soon, but you can enjoy the tray table snacks some airlines hand out with a pile of Biscoff Cookies to keep in your cabinet. The listing here includes 3 packages of the crunchy, brown-buttery delectable dipping biscuits, which equates to 96 stamped and stylized rectangles of Biscoff bliss. And since you're not greedy like the airlines, you can even serve yourself up more than the allotted 2 per flight through the kitchen.
Acorn Fed Iberico Ham
Iberico Ham is an indulgence, to be sure, but if you're one of the lucky SOBs who is still working full-time from home (and you are a lucky SOB) maybe some of those hundos you're saving from not going out to dinner should have this acorn-fed Spanish swine's name on them.
This side of 100% Iberico de Bellota Ham weighs in at 16 to 18 pounds of pure cured meat delight. As with most large-scale Iberico Ham purchases, this piggy buddy also comes with a wood and stainless steel ham holder and knife, both doubling as utilitarian slicing wingmen and crowd-pleasing display pieces.
8-Pound Bag of Cereal Marshmallows
You have stumbled upon the end of a rainbow. Jack. Pot. Your days of wasting 15 minutes of your months-long quarantine crouched over the cereal bowl picking out all the boring healthy brown bits from Lucky Charms are about to be as over as Tom Brady's glory years!
Some kind manufacturer or child laborer has completed the tedious task of toasted-oat extraction for you, and packaged just the cereal's immaculate clouds of dehydrated marshmallow bliss. Even better: no more 12oz box bullcrap. This fat mass of pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes comes man-sized in an 8-pound bag.
Epic Artisanal Pork Rinds
I don't know how you feel about pork rinds or cracklings, or snacks that describe themselves as "artisanal," but I tried paleo and keto diet champion brand Epic's new artisanal pork rinds a few weeks ago, and they were porking deee-licious.
Highest marks go to the Sea Salt & Pepper and Chili Lime flavors.
Frito Lay Variety Packs
Sometimes the goodest good eats come from good ol' fashioned junk food. If you're feeling anxious, bored, hangry, or high during your COVID-19 quarantine, don't be ashamed to take a little comfort from the familiar faces of Frito Lay: Funyuns; Fritos; Ruffles; Cheetos; Sun Chips; Rold Gold; Smartfood; and Doritos.
Philips Automatic Pasta Maker
Sure, you can buy pre-made pasta at the grocery store, or order it online. (Well, theoretically you can. Noodles have been going almost as fast as toilet paper at my local and virtual retailers.) But why not devote a few of your housebound hours to homemade pasta? Try satiating your fettuccine hankerings by learning how to make it yourself?
Don't worry, with the Philips Automatic Pasta Maker automatic is the key word; you won't have to do too much learning. It's kind of like a bread machine (or an Indian roti machine!) but for pasta. Just dump your flour and water and whatever else goes into succulent strands of spaghetti or toothsome tubes of penne into the Philips Pasta Maker, and it will take care of the mixing, kneading, and extruding steps of the noodles' creation, spurting out a pound of fresh pasta ready for boiling in about 15 minutes.
Fresh Frozen Lobster Tails from Maine
Mmm. These fresh frozen Maine lobster tails look tastier than any I'd get from my seafood department even when we're not in the middle of a global pandemic. Plump, juicy, primed, and ready for the 2 dozen sticks of butter I have stockpiled in my freezer.
According to seller Get Maine Lobster, "Our live Maine lobsters are caught by the women and men of Maine dedicated to preserving the sustainability of the Maine lobster industry and engage in practices that ensure its health and vitality." I feel it's only right that while quarantined at home, I too engage in practices that ensure health and vitality, and buying a crate of Maine lobster tails sounds like a pretty OK way to start.
Omaha Steaks Combos
Omaha Steaks has a number of meaty-licious mail order assortments available for online purchase, I like the irony of what they call the Welcome Home Combo. Maybe they should temporarily change it to the Welcome Home...Like You've Been Anywhere Else! Combo. Selections include filet mignons, top sirloins, boneless chicken breasts, steak burgers, and jumbo franks.
Sweet Spot Instant Ice Cream Maker
Like pasta, ice cream can be elusive in grocery stores during the corona-quarantine, and like the Philips Automatic Pasta Maker the Sweet Spot Instant Ice Cream Maker can make that not your problem.
This "instant ice Cream maker" is basically the creamy dairy treat version of the slushie maker I used every weekend at my nana's house as a kid. But here, to accommodate the flash-freezing of your cream and milk into lickable scoops, Chef'n has tweaked the container's proportions. With a much shallower depth and larger surface area than the slush cup, frozen treat seekers are able to pour in their chilled liquid recipe and scrape it around to a solid in less than 5 minutes.
TRUFF White Truffle Hot Sauce
Die happy - whether it's from coronavirus or ripe old age - when you die having tried TRUFF White Truffle Hot Sauce. The limited release blends jalapenos with the elusive pig-detected mushroom, plus adds white truffle oil, organic agave nectar, and a hint of organic coriander to embolden its savory flavor.
10-Pound Toblerone Bar
They say quality over quantity, but when you're sheltering in place for Willy Wonka knows how long, I say you deserve both. This 10-pound Toblerone Bar is a splurge, sure, but given the mountain range of fine Swiss chocolate, honey, and almond nougat contains 45, 100-gram servings, that's really only $3 a day to make your belly happy. And your belly, dudes, might be the only body part you truly have a shot at making happy right now, 'eh?