Body

Bath Diamond Bioluminescent Bath Bombs & Salt Soaks

$70 - $72 Bath Diamond »

Bathe in diamonds and roses. No, not literally, but with Bath Diamond bioluminescent bath bombs and salt soaks, figuratively is even better. Figuratively means you still get to submerge yourself in a tub of hot water...

balldo - Ball-Dildo to Double Your Penis Count (NSFW)

"Make 2021 the year of ballsex!" Well, balldo, it's not the worst idea anyone's ever had. Plus, given all the horrible things 2020 was the year of, and the lackluster way 2021 has kicked off, a brand new ball-dildo that...

Byte At-Home Teeth Straightening System

$1,895 - $2,295 Byte »

Take a Byte out of your crooked bite, and high dentist's fees, and long sits in the dentist's chair*, with the Byte at-home teeth straightening system. From teeth impressions to invisible aligners to a funky vibrating...

Headache & Migraine Relief Cap

$32.99 Amazon »

Headache? Migraine? Just want to bury your head in the freezer or a bucket of ice? How about a striking purple hat filled with cooling, soothing, pain-easing Magic Gel instead?...

Santa Beard Face Mask

Sold Out Amazon »

Ho, ho, ho...hack, hack, hack! Spread holiday cheer without spreading COVID with this Santa Beard Face Mask. This season actually has me warming to face masks because, well, the face masks are warming my face, and it's...

24K Gold Acupressure Ear Seeds

$34 Amazon »

These luxe Acupressure Ear Seeds will help you strike gold twice as a gift to any woman on your holiday list. It will be like giving her fancy 24K gold jewelry and glorious relief from her pain, tension, and anxiety...

Ear Tsubo Pressure Point Cat Massagers

Everyone knows nothing stimulates pressure points and releases tension like playing with a kitty. Yours, someone else's, it really doesn't matter. But what might surprise you here is that in order to play with these kitties...

Kailo Nanotech Bio-Antenna Pain Patch

$89.25 Amazon »

Kailo Patch: a giant nanotech pain in my ass, or a miracle solution for the giant pain in my decidedly not-nano ass? The nanocapacitor-packed patch Kailo makers say acts as a "bio-antenna" to turn off pain wherever you...

Ugly Christmas Face Masks

$9.99 - $10.99 Amazon »

Ugly Christmas Face Masks. Oh for the love of the Baby Jesus do I hope that next Christmas we can look at these Pop Funk pandemic PPE creations and say, "Ugh, those are so 2020."...

Dicklicious Penis Lipstick

$7.99 Amazon »

I've seen lipstick on a penis, but Dicklicious is my first encounter with penis on a lipstick. I mean, unless we're talking dog penis, which when exhibited in a certain state goes by the colloquial name, "red lipstick,"...

Elo - At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience

$279 - $349 Elo »

Elo + My Favorite Peelow = Me Lo...aded Up with an At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience. Me lo...ving the feel of thermotherapy that doesn't cost $150 and hour. Me lo..athing the sound of my alarm buzzing me away from my...

Hormel Bacon-Scented Face Mask

#BreathableBacon and the Hormel bacon-scented face mask it refers to are, surprisingly, one of the least surprising hashtags and products of 2020. Honestly, the sexy (and elusive! More on that later.) Hormel Black Label...

Arnold Total Recall Face Mask

$12.99 Etsy »

The Arnold Total Recall Face Mask: social distancing meets instant Halloween costume. Maybe wrap some painted paper towel tubes around the back of your head, and add aluminum foil caps to the ends that stick out past...

Penis Print Face Mask

$13 Amazon »

On the one hand the Penis Print Face Mask brings its wearers dangerously close to eating a dick. But in a wonderful twist of irony, the Penis Print Face Mask will also protect them from having to do it!...

Prinker Temporary Tattoo Printer

$279 - $445 Amazon »

It only took 10 years, but the Prinker temporary tattoo printer is finally here to give a nod to MoodINQ, one of ThinkGeek's most clever and classic April Fool's jokes...

Blocc Reusable Face Shield

$24 Blocc »

The Blocc face shield is here to face off with your wandering hands and Shut. Them Down. No matter how charming, how persuasive, how pushy they get, Blocc will turn into your personal bouncer, a polycarbonate wall of...

3M Vetbond Tissue Adhesive

$22 Amazon »

If it's good enough for horses and golden retrievers, it's good enough for me! Just kidding. Despite its name, 3M Vetbond Tissue Adhesive is a first aid option intended for humans who have cut themselves to "minor wound"...

Shark Face Mask

$13.99 Etsy »

As stoked as I was for Shark Week to come early this year, now that April is over I have a Jaws-bite-sized hole in my heart that there won't be a Shark Week in July. But as I'm sure Etsy shop Printed Faces would say...

Face Mask with Transparent Mouth Panel

$7 - $13 Etsy »

While I smell what the transparent mouth panel face mask is cookin' - but thankfully cannot smell what's behind it; barf! do face masks reek of bad breath - I do wonder if wearing one will only make a hot and stifling...

Gamer Goo Antiperspirant - Dry Grip for Sweaty Hands

$14.95 Amazon »

Gamer Goo Antiperspirant sounds like the dry grip for sweaty hands some athletes use to help them avoid butter fingering a ball. Except gamers don't really sweat due to a high level of exertion so much as because their...

DEVO Energy Dome Face Shield

I was wondering how long it would take someone to whip Devo into the safety dance* that is living through a pandemic. And turns out that "someone" responsible for the Devo Energy Dome PPE Kit you see here is Devo themselves...

BioVYZR 1.0

While definitely funk and futuristic in its appearance, the BioVYZR 1.0 - which, by the way, isn't even from the land of funk that is Japan, it's from Canada! - is nowhere near the craziest face mask or headwear EDC I've...

GuruNanda Contactless Infrared Forehead Thermometer

Discontinued

You've come a long way from mercury up the butt, thermometers. Using infrared technology, the GuruNanda Thermometer enables everyone from your mama to your nurse to your Amazon Big Brother to take your temperature without...

PumPiX Wearable Hand Sanitizer Dispenser

Be the Spider-Man of sanitizing with a PumPiX wristband. The germ-busting wearable holds up to 0.4 ounces of your preferred hand sanitizer or surface disinfectant so you can spray webs of anti-bacterial, anti-viral mists...