DudeIWantThat.com's Vaccingles Night Party Pack
The DudeIWantThat.com Vaccingles Night party pack contains everything you need to plan the perfect mixer for singles who have been vaccinated. In other words, all your beyond-horny friends, plus randos off the street who also look equal parts cool and sexually frustrated. I know, you'll try to blow this off as a joke, or say you and your libido have fared just fine over the last year. But there's no need to lie. And definitely no need to restrict the blowing off to a perceived joke when it could be so much better applied to your steam and genitalia.
I mean, who says your first party out of isolation shouldn't be one of desperation*? Come on, it's time to get your come on.
The DudeIWantThat.com Vaccingles Night party pack includes:
- 50 transparent face masks, both so guests can more accurately judge their attraction to one another, and so that you can supply whiteboard markers singles can use to write conversation starters on their masks, such as their vaccination dates, and an "M", "P", or "J" to designate whether they received the Moderna, Pfizer, or Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
- Bob Ross Happy Little Tree Mints. Because the thought of finally getting some will make all guests happy little trees, but also happy little trees who will need to combat m-ass-k breath if they're going to turn the thought of getting some into a reality.
- 1,000 condoms. My sense is this party will get a bit rowdy. But don't let the singles forget: the COVID-19 vaccine does not protect against pregnancy or STDs.
- A 50-pack of Hobby & Activity Cards. These are printed with lists of different popular hobbies and activities for guests to use in case, over the past year of staying home, they have forgotten what theirs are.
- A pack of 100 What Have You Been Up To? Cards, each containing a different fun and interesting story guests can read to each other when one asks, "So. What have you been up to?" Sure, the stories won't be true for the teller, but at least they'll sound a lot better than, "Uh...working from home. ... Watching Netflix. ... Got a Peloton. .... Oh! I went and bought some mulch from Lowe's the other day!"
- Pre-packaged party favors containing bottles of hand sanitizer and lube, and packets of Vitamin D and Viagra pills. All will be clearly marked so there is no confusion about which to use where, and what to take when.
- A party game of your choice. Select from: 1) A coronavirus pinata filled with sex toys. Because COVID stole all your best sexcapades and orgasms, and it's time to bust them back out!; or 2) Jell-O shot syringes. No, no, hear me out. That's just the ice breaker. The tip of the needle. The warm-up poke. Also included in this game is an inflatable kiddie pool and a bulk powder pack that makes 100 gallons of red Jell-O for Jell-O wrestling out back.
*If it isn't obvious, Dude's Vaccingles Night Party Pack has been designed especially for Gen-Xers and Millennials - i.e., those in their 30s and 40s (hell, and 50s!) who actually paid attention to COVID quarantine, isolation, and social distancing rules when they were in place. For all the college kids and 20-somethings who ignored measures to stop the spread of the virus, and have been partying, dating, and one night standing all along, we have a special T-Shirt and gift card for you instead.