The Football Briefcase

Posted: October 23, 2012
The Football Briefcase
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F nuclear codes and attacks. Booze, cards, Red Bull, cash, mints, and first aid are a real man's real tickets to power and life-altering--or at least night-altering--decisions. The briefcase. The weapons. The Football. Reinvented, redesigned, and primed to drop the party bomb.

In the aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the US government felt compelled to prepare a handy nuclear decision making tool. According to an article in the Washington Post the tool was a metallic Zero Halliburton briefcase stuffed with launch codes for the US' nuclear weapons. JFK nicknamed the carrier The Football after the operations code name: Dropkick. Lucky for us, JFK never used his Football, which means we are still alive today, and thriving in a capitalistic society that has repurposed the Football's essence into a means of getting shitfaced and engaging in various forms of recreational debauchery.

Hey, it's better than nuclear war.

Created by Urban Mercenaries--which has got to be an Alan Garner enterprise--today's Football Briefcase mugs as a 17" aluminum shell fitted with an engraved plaque, personalized with two lines of text. It harbors the following codes to a gentleman's perfect evening:

  • 375 ml Patron Tequila
  • 375 ml Grey Goose Vodka
  • (4) 2 oz Red Bull energy shots
  • 350 ml Martini shaker
  • 4 shot glasses
  • 1 wine bottle opener
  • 1 deck of cards
  • 5 dice
  • .37 oz tin of Altoids
  • 0.5 oz of Bausch & Lomb eye drops
  • One pair of handcuffs with 2 keys.
  • 10 Advil tablets
  • 24 Tums Extra Strength chewable tablets

At $500, the Football Briefcase smacks of a product prohibitively expensive that I could surely make myself, but won't because I'm lazy. Also, I accept that wielding this kind of power comes at a price. Also, Alan probably owes an Chinese Dragon Master money.

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