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Sexy Santa: 20 Naughty Gifts for Your Partner (NSFW)

Posted: November 18, 2021
Sexy Santa: [ET] Naughty Gifts for Your Partner (NSFW)

I came up with this Sexy Santa collection of 20 Naughty Gifts for Your Partner after my wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, ix-nayed my inclusion of an item called Candy Nipple Tassels in my roundup of 29 holiday gifts for women in 2021. While I'll admit they're not the classiest gift to give your lady, I still felt they, along with a host of other lewd, lascivious, licentious, and all-around sexy products, merited a spot on a holiday gift guide.

And then suddenly, there dangling before me like a pair of Candy Nipple Tassels themselves, was the answer. Create a holiday gift guide that's only the naughty gifts. The naughty gifts that will make their recipients feel oh so nice. Or help them make you feel oh so nice. Or, in the case of the Autoblow Decoy Safe, keep thieving hands away from your shit by convincing them it's some sort of Fleshlight.

So that's what I've done for all you Sexy Santas out there in need of a more personal and intimate gift for your special someone. Take 'em in and buy 'em up, 20 naughty gifts for your partner.

Note: All 20 naughty gifts for your partner are priced as they were at printing on November 18, 2021. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.

Doorballs Door Knocker

Doorballs Door Knocker
Doorballs Door Knocker

Knock, knock. Who's there? Tess. Tess who? Tess Tickle! Hangin' right between the legs of the Doorballs door knocker I used to start this joke!

Oh boy, oh boy, it's a tribute to your boys! Made from PVC "as strong as your bathroom plumbing!" Doorballs is a door knocker fit for the man's man, the college kid, and anyone who wants sales people and the Mormons to think twice about knocking on their door.

$35.99 ➠ Amazon

I Love Daddy Adult Baby Romper

I Love Daddy Adult Baby Romper
I Love Daddy Adult Baby Romper

Really? For real? You love Daddy? Awww. I love that you love Daddy. Wanna come to Daddy?

Wanna come on Daddy? This adult-size onesie romper has breakaway snaps at the bottom just like the baby versions too, right?

$28.80 ➠ Amazon

Finger Love Glove

Finger Love Glove

I'll take two fingers of whiskey and one finger up my ass, please. The Finger Love Glove - which I, for once, tamed down in name from Finger F*ck Glove - looks like toys fidget and sex have come together to help you and yours come...hopefully together.

The Finger Love Glove describes itself as "especially for anal use," so...great news for fans of the back door, plus anyone who wants to embarrass the shit out of their Secret Santa gift recipient this year. Or, hey, anyone who wants to finger the shit out of their Secret Santa gift recipient this year too, I guess.

$39.95 ➠ Amazon

MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men

MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men
MysteryVibe Tenuto Wearable Vibrator for Men

Just because MysteryVibe's Tenuto is the sex tech company's first wearable vibrator for men doesn't mean they're not cocky about its skills - they say the Tenuto is the world's most advanced male vibrator. And given the growing market for these types of male sex toys and masturbatory aids, that's a strong statement.

Perhaps a fitting statement too, because according to MysteryVibe, the Tenuto vibrator for men isn't just about reaching an explosive orgasm, it's about staying "stronger for longer" with an "adaptable hold [that] maintains arousal for longer erections & pleasure."

$199 ➠ Mystery Vibe

Crochet Penis Blanket

Crochet Penis Blanket

Cozy up next to the fire pit with a warm, cuddly...cock & balls?! This Crochet Penis Blanket from Naughty Mature Gifts will make you snug as a bug in a...er...opposite of rug on cool summer evenings and Netflix & chill nights on the couch.

$130 ➠ Etsy

Bowchair Luxury Sex Chairs

Bowchair Luxury Sex Chairs
Bowchair Luxury Sex Chairs

You like bouncy, bouncy? Bowchairs, luxury sex chairs in handsome and discreet designs, have bouncy, bouncy covered from head to toe. With, yes, lots of boobie in between.

For women on top, the Bowchair is specifically designed to reduce stress on the knees and hips, facilitate a range of precision pelvic angles, and minimize the contractions required of pelvic floor muscles, a feature intended particularly for women who have had children, and may find their muscles in that region aren't so cooperative anymore.

The Bowchair also enables women, and men, to experiment with over 20 different sexual positions from the Kama Sutra, The Perfumed Garden of Sensual Delight, and The Ananga Ranga.

$3,550 to $4,175 ➠ Bowchair

Corn Dog Butt Plug

Corn Dog Butt Plug

And you thought corn dogs plugged you up before. This Corn Dog Butt Plug from Glow F Yourself does double plugging duty too - the metal or silicone end plugs into one willing participant's poophole, and the breaded meat product end into a second willing participant's piehole. Not just to suck on or take in Cheeseburger Ball Gag-style either. The corn dog on the Corn Dog Butt Plug is a real live corn dog ready to get (butt)munched on.

$25 ➠ Etsy

Penis Surprise Apron

Penis Surprise Apron
Penis Surprise Apron

The beauty of these Penis Surprise Aprons - I mean aside from their lovely fabric choices, and anatomically correct fleece interpretations of giant dicks - is that they're perfect gifts for everyone!

$32 ➠ Etsy

Musch Musch Designs - Your Privates on a Pendant

Musch Musch Designs - Your Privates on a Pendant

And if you're not into your privates on a pendant, Musch Musch will also hand make (hand job?) photos of your very own penis, vagina, boobies, or butthole into a bracelet, a mug, or a 3D piece of wall art! Talk about a crotch shot jackpot!

To jack off, er, I mean kick off your Musch Musch custom naughty bits transformation process, you'll need to capture some choice photos of the body part you want immortalized. Musch Musch typically needs just one photo of vagina, boobie, and butthole requests, and would like them taken directly from the front. Penises are more workable with a 270-degree view, so you'll snap one image from the front, and one from each side (to the delight of men who dig taking dick pics).

$108 & Up ➠ Musch Musch

Sweet Treat Spinning Ice Cream Cone Sex Toy

Sweet Treat Spinning Ice Cream Cone Sex Toy

My wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, loooooves ice cream cones. Especially swirly soft-serve ice cream cones. And especially ice cream cones that look like Satisfyer's Sweet Treat, because this ice cream cone isn't so much an ice cream cone as it is an O-ce cream cone. A spinning sex toy for the ladies.

I was going to call the Sweet Treat a "Spinning Ice Cream Cone Vibrator" in my title for it, but then I read the product description and discovered it is not a vibrator. It is a clitoral stimulator.

$29.95 to $39.95 ➠ Amazon

The Deviant's Pocket Guide to Outlandish Sexual Desires

The Deviant's Pocket Guide to Outlandish Sexual Desires

Author Dennis DiClaudio, who also wrote The Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Illnesses You Can Just Feel Coming On, has decided to give deviants some much-needed love (though, sorry Necrophiliacs and Coulrophiliacs, he's neither dead nor a clown) in this "tribute to the many splendors of human sexuality." Now, The Deviant's Pocket Guide to the Outlandish Sexual Desires Barely Contained in Your Subconscious is not a how-to, or a therapeutic pep talk for those wrestling with their inner kink. It's more of an exploratory look at 40+ of the wildest and most bizarre sexy time penchants out there.

$2.13 ➠ Amazon

Autoblow Decoy Safe

Autoblow Decoy Safe
Autoblow Decoy Safe

In case you're puzzling over this latest place to stash your valuables, the Autoblow Decoy Safe is a safe disguised to look like a male masturbator. One that really exists too! The Autoblow AI is a literal blowjob machine that provides 10 unique "blowjob experiences," modeled after real-life techniques, and administered by artificial intelligence. The decoy safe version looks just like its automatic chicken choker counterpart, but where the latter has an interchangeable silicone sleeve and heavy-duty, ultra-powerful metal motor, the Autoblow Decoy Safe has a roomy empty space for storing cash, jewelry, passports, and weed. And, I have to agree with Autoblow when they say, "The last place a burglar will ever look is inside of your lube covered Autoblow AI."

$39 ➠ Autoblow

The WaterSlyde Bathtub Sex Toy

The WaterSlyde Bathtub Sex Toy

Ladies, I freaked out too when I saw The WaterSlyde and thought you were meant to stick it inside you like a vibrator. And then I freaked out even more when I read maker Lovability deems The WaterSlyde a "sex toy alternative," and thought that meant you were meant to stick it inside me. But thankfully for our lady and man parts, the only thing that has to worry about getting penetrated by The WaterSlyde is the faucet of your bathtub.

$35 ➠ Lovability

LELO F1s Developer's Kit - SDK-Available Sextech

LELO F1s Developer's Kit - SDK-Available Sextech
LELO F1s Developer's Kit - SDK-Available Sextech

Geeks have the best sex. Or if they didn't before, LELO's F1s Developer's Kit, a male masturbator with an SDK-available sextech console, is here to make sure they do now. Even if it's all by themselves.

Those who want to give the F1s Developer's Kit a rub will also receive an exclusive LELO app for iOS and Android, and can download the SDK for both platforms from the LELO website. Programmers can then dabble, and diddle, around with the F1s dual motors, Cruise Control, and LELO SenSonic technology in a quest to become the true masters of their domain.

$164 to $219 ➠ LELO

Candy Nipple Tassels

Candy Nipple Tassels

If I buy my wife some of these Candy Nipple Tassels, I wonder if she'll let me call her "Sugar tits." Hold on, let me ask. ... ... OK, so that's a confirmed no.

If you buy your wife some of these Candy Nipple Tassels, I wonder if she'll let you call her "sugar tits."

$9.38 ➠ Amazon

Blowjob Token

Blowjob Token

Roll your eyes, ladies, but a Blowjob Token, obvious as it may be, is the ultimate gift for a man.

Provided, that is, he can redeem it on any day of the year, for any reason. No fair giving Blowjob Tokens as a gag gift (unless you mean it literally!) or with a 3-page list of stipulations as to when and how he can cash it in. That's worse than giving no Blowjob Token at all.

$12.95 ➠ Amazon

Lorals Latex Panties - A New Way to Say Yes to Oral

Lorals Latex Panties - A New Way to Say Yes to Oral
Lorals Latex Panties - A New Way to Say Yes to Oral

Finally! A wearable dental dam! Lorals Latex Panties, despite being able to stop right there - latex panties? I'm in! - aren't just sexy underwear to look at, they're functional underwear to don during sexy time. Lorals deems their brand of ultra-thin disposable latex panties, "A new way to say yes to oral," because they enable ladies to enjoy them some oral sex without fully exposing their pleasure parts.

$25 ➠ Lorals

3D Printed Vaginasaur

3D Printed Vaginasaur
3D Printed Vaginasaur

Be careful, the 3D Printed Vaginasaur definitely eats meat. Etsy shop 10th Dimension 3D calls this prehistoric poon print the "Dino Pussy" and the "Cuntasaurus," but I feel like "Vaginasaur" rolls off the tongue best.

Though really, any of them roll off the tongue pretty well.

$6.99 to $45.99 ➠ Etsy

3D Printed Dickasaurus

3D Printed Dickasaurus

Tit for tat, right? Or perhaps better said here, dick for twat, right?

Sex toy, trophy for a dude who's a real T-Rex in the bedroom, or (literal) gag gift, the 3D Printed Dickasaurus will serve you well as any of these. Based on your desired use, statues can come (but not really) in 2" to 6" tall sizes, plus a whole wad (albeit not shot) of fun colors.

$4.99 to $25.99 ➠ Etsy

Crown Nipple Rings

Crown Nipple Rings
Crown Nipple Rings

Maybe she calls herself a queen. Maybe she calls herself a princess. She's definitely some level of royalty. So I think it's time to bow down and crown her. No, lower. Nooooo...not that low. This crown is for her nipple. And this other crown is for her other nipple.

$19.90 ➠ Etsy
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