Presenting the Alphabet: 21 Gifts that Start with B
I made it to B! As I mentioned in my first go at Presenting the Alphabet, I wasn't sure how long I'd stick with the theme, but now I can say with certainty: at least 2 letters' worth! So check it out, 21 gifts that start with B.
Note: All alphabet gifts are priced as they were at printing on October 18, 2022. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
BaKblade 2.0 Back Shaver
Dang, when did the BaKblade 2.0 come out? I asked for the original version of this DIY, over-the-shoulder back shaver for my birthday (thank you, Mama!) but if I'd known BaKblade was releasing a newer and sexier version of their Terminator for lady-repellent man hair I would have waited.
The updated BaKblade has a curved, more ergonomic handle, and flexible razor design. Razors themselves are made specifically for shaving back hair, so a little less aggressive since those follicles tend to be a lot less coarse than the ones on your face.
Berkel Primitive Kitchen Knife
Can't wait to see what kind of primitive injuries I sustain trying to prep dinner with Berkel's Primitive Kitchen Knife. That's not to say I don't like it. The design is very cool, a fused blade and handle reminiscent of a rock prehistoric humans would have whittled to a sharp edge. Berkel's knife also looks like it would feel good nestled in the palm of my hand.
But all that fusing and nestling makes for a blade that stays pretty damn close to my fingers during its proposed slicing of fruits and vegetables, and filleting of raw meat and fish.
Bissell Barkbath Dual Use Dog Bath & Deep Cleaner
The Bissell Barkbath sees you. Sittin' there. Working from home. Your dog's so damn happy he could do a backflip. Hey, maybe with all this spare time on your hands, you should teach your dog how to do a backflip. Right after you give him a bath, because holy dunk in the pond and roll in squirrel shit does he stink!
The Bissell Barkbath is a portable dog wash the company says "can be used to wash your dog in any room of the house, anytime, with minimal mess." Right. Grooming the dirt and stink out of your dog in the living room, right on top of your refinished hardwoods. Or why stop there? Let's take this dog washin' to the couch!
Blackout Bands - Sleep Mask Sunglasses
From air travel to beach time, Blackout Bands are designed to take the world away. Use them to grab a nap, nurse a headache, or make talking to an ugly person much more pleasant. The glasses come in 2 flat-to-the-face styles, Night Hawk and Ninja, both of which let in only enough light for the wearer to see shapes when the eyes are open. They are made of polycarbonate frames and also offer UV protection.
BlazePod Reflex Training System
What's BlazePod? Think whack-a-mole, Simon, and the personal trainer you love to hate. The flash reflex training system combines elements of all 3 - even some of the fun parts - into personal and professional kits designed to help improve your reaction time, coordination, agility, speed, strength, any number of skills you have or want to build.
Blink Outdoor Wire-Free Security Camera & Floodlight
Blink and you might miss it, but your Blink Floodlight and Outdoor system, a wire-free security camera and pair of 700-lumen motion-triggered LED lights, will see, and record, it all for you.
One of the newest additions to the Blink Family, the Floodlight and Outdoor tag team automatically detect, illuminate, and record visitors - wanted and unwanted - to your property. Like many security camera setups, the Blink Outdoor will ping you when it senses motion, and in addition to saving video clips of the activity to the included Blink Sync Module 2 (or the cloud if you opt for a Blink Subscription Plan), give you the option of seeing and interacting with visitors in real-time with a 1080p HD live feed and two-way audio in the Blink app.
Bong Butt Plugs (NSFW)
These Bong Butt Plugs are smokin' hot! Though I'm not sure if it's from the Blue Dream or the 3 bowls of Four-Chile Chili I ate during NFL Sunday coming out of them.
Glow F Yourself invites us all along for "adventure time" with a diverse series of Bong Butt Plugs. And they're not just diverse in their existence alone as a combo sex toy and smoking accessory - you know, a lil' something for the dudes and ladies with diverse tastes. These particular Bong Butt Plugs are also diverse amongst themselves. They come in multiple sizes, from Small to MAGNUM and, more notably, an array of bong "toppers."
Boo Bubble Blower Kit - Dry Ice Bubble Maker
Boo Bubbles is a great name for Steve Spangler's Bubble Blower Kit, even though it doesn't specifically mention the best part about the bubbles - the dry ice they contain inside. The reasons are twofold: 1) Said dry ice gives them a supernatural, ghostly appearance, which goes hand-in-hand with the exclamation, "Boo!"; 2) I keep writing "Boob Bubbles" instead of "Boo Bubbles," which makes me giggle.
Boxerkilt Pouch-Free Boxer Briefs with Total Airflow
Schweddy balls begone! Boxerkilts are boxer briefs whose front skirt flap takes the place of the traditional C&B pouch, allowing for, if Boxerkilt is to be believed, 100% airflow to and through your stifled junk. The company says wearing them is basically like going commando, but without the hygiene issues or risk of a testicular zip-up. (Note: dudes who freeball and do experience the latter, check out the Testicuzzi.)
Bookniture - Furniture in a Book
You don't need to know how to read to dig in to this book. Open the pages of Bookniture, and where you might normally find a Tolkien story you'll instead encounter an entire stool or side table Gandalf-ed into existence. And yes, you can absolutely sit or set things on it. As long as you / they weigh less than 1,000 pounds.
Better grab a case of this Blinker Fluid while you can - it's on sale for 50% off, but as they say, blink(er) and you'll miss it.
Then again, even with eyes wide open the Blinker Fluid might fly right over your head because...it's a joke, my friends! No such thing as Blinker Fluid since there's not such thing as a blinker that needs fluid. Just a new bulb on occasion. And weekly affirmations that it still looks dazzling.
Bob Ross Talking Clapper & Night Light
Bob Ross and his happy little trees turned into a combo talking clapper and night light have turned me into a very happy little dude. Well. Maybe not so little. I've made a lot of mistakes...I mean happy accidents...in my food choices this year.
bottleLoft Magnetic Fridge Storage
Brian Conti, also responsible for Strong Like Bull Magnets, heads toward Magnet Magnate status with his bottleLoft. botteLoft strips are magnetic bottle holders that install on the ceiling of your refrigerator to keep anything from 6-packs of beer to jars of pasta sauce dangling within reach, but clear of your already crowded shelves. They'll give you more free fridge space, enable more efficient use of the space you have, and, best of all, ensure that the first thing you see every time you open the door is a glowing rack of Bud Light Limes.
Provided, that is, he can also redeem it on any day, for any reason. No fair giving Blowjob Tokens as a gag gift (unless you mean it literally!) or with a 3-page list of stipulations as to when and how he can cash it in. That's worse than giving no Blowjob Token at all.
Bubba Rope Power Stretch Vehicle Recovery Rope
Bubba Ropes are kinetic energy recovery ropes (KERR) originally developed for the military to use in pulling their off-road vehicles out of mud, sand, and snow. Turns out they work just as well when me and my friend Cornelius get his Toyota Camry stuck in a shallow ditch practicing on-road donuts and have to call my mama to come down with her station wagon to pull us out.
Made of 100% double-braided nylon, the Bubba Rope uses exact mil specs for its splicing and coatings. The company says it produces the only snatch ropes with heavy vinyl polymer coatings and Gator-ized eyes, both of which contribute to the pictured 7/8" thick model's 28,600-pound breaking strength.
Bouncie Smart Driving Companion
Turn your bouncy babies into Bouncie teenagers with this plug-in driving aid, location tracker, and vehicle diagnostics device. The smart driving companion attaches to your car's OBD port, and then sends your paired device a wad of information about what's up with the vehicle, including trip histories, driving habits, vehicle location, and maintenance reminders. In other words, Bouncie is the perfect babysitter for kiddos who just got their license, or a new car.
Or neither, but have just been caught partaking in the benefits of both.
Brew Glitter - Edible Wine & Cocktail Glitter
Brew Glitter. Dude. I have enough trouble getting glitter out of my house, my clothes, my - shiver - car if ever it encounters them, and now? Now? You're asking me to put myself in a position where I have to get glitter out of my body? My insides? All in the name of drinking sparkly cocktails, and sparkly Champagne, and sparkly - shiver - beer?
I think I'll leave Brew Glitter as a gift for the ladies out there.
Baby Foot Human Molting Peel
I don't know what medieval witch magic Baby Foot puts in their Exfoliant Foot Peel to produce the skin-molting effects you see before you but, even though it would make perfect sense here, I promise you it's not snake oil. Have a look at the ingredient list yourself. My girlfriend says two near the top, lactic acid and glycolic acid, usually show up in her face peels, but...damn. If her face peeled off like that I'd tell her to go back to Jaqen.
Whatever Baby Foot brews in their solution that, 5 to 7 days after you apply it, makes all the dead skin on your feet peel off in sheets, it seems to be no joke, and no exaggeration. There are literally thousands of reviews of this foot beautifier, from all kinds of men and women, and dozens of customer photos showing sickly fascinating individual results.
Bang!: Masturbation for All Genders & Abilities
You were searching for a book on masturbation for people of all genders and abilities? Bang! Here it is. Hey, it's even titled Bang!: Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities.
Honestly, I have no idea what kinds of advice and nuggets of wisdom you're going to find between the pages of Bang! Hopefully the kind that makes those pages stick together as soon as you're done with them.
Beastgrip Smartphone Camera Rig
If the grip is as beastly as the look of this smartphone camera rig, I think we've got a chicken dinner on the table tonight. The Beastgrip Pro is a universal lens adapter and rig system for your phone intended to give you all the slots, nooks, latches, and screw-ins you'll need to turn its camera into a professional-level shooting and recording device.
The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person in the world.