Politically Charged & Controversial Holiday Gifts
Politically charged and controversial gifts for are the solution to everyone's holiday conundrum: how do I make tense times with my family, co-workers, and the UPS delivery guy worse?
Well dudes, here you go. Over a dozen suggestions ranging from presidents and governments to religion and relationships, all here to make your Christmas (or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Festivus) gift exchanges a little more interesting. Enjoy my compilation of politically charged and controversial gifts for the holidays.
Gift prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
LEGO White House
For the amateurs, just easing their way into ruffling feathers and forging family grudges.
The last coveted addition to any Tea Party is now a mere 560 bricks away. From a little elbow grease, and a very large cache of patience, you'll see emerge a perfect replica of the most important and recognizable home in the US. Right after the Playboy Mansion.
Figurines of paranoid Trumps, Melania in a Xanax stupor, and presidential aides rushing forth with bags of McDonald's and fine China topped with well-done steaks sold separately.
Bouncing Baby Jesus Ugly Christmas Sweater
Still easing into the controversy. A bouncing baby Jesus ugly Christmas sweater will probably offend only the most tightly wound Karens and Aunt Jans, but if ugly sweaters happen to be the theme of your company's holiday party, you might consider a Dude Abides or Frosty the Eunuch jumper instead.
By the way, I have to give kudos to the crowning effect - uh, no pun intended - of this ugly Christmas sweater, which is maker Tipsy Elves' decision to depict the Baby Jesus with his trademark flowing locks and beard.
Mini Pallet of Cinder Blocks & Mortar Kit
[Insert border wall joke here.]
Have yourself a Mini little Christmas this year with a Mini Materials 1:12 scale kit containing a wood pallet stacked with 24 mini cinder blocks, and a 2-ounce tub of mortar with pinky-sized application stick for layering it on.
Flat Earth Wall Map
Just as there is a dearth of people out there who understand that the world is flat, there also seems to be a dearth of gifts for the woke folks who get it. Here's hoping the Flat Earth Map gets in good with Google search results, and becomes just the first in an extensive collection of household decor here to challenge the persistent and erroneous presence of spherical Earth items such as globe bar carts and fire pits.
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety
A must-read for every cat parent! How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives consolidates 8 crucial public service pamphlets into a clear, Q&A-style book that will help all cat owners teach their kitties to stay safe, be smart, and make good, pure decisions.
And not feel like little pussies while they're doing it!
Logical Fallacies Poster
The Logical Fallacies Poster! Finally, ladies! A gift for every man you know. And finally, dudes! A gift for every woman you know. Teachers, a wall-mountable token for your students. Constituents, a mailing-tube-shippable reminder for your politicians. The only one here who doesn't need a poster to tell them if their arguments are disjointed, irrational, nonsensical, and outside the laws of logic is the AI in the copy room that's about 4 posts away from taking over my job.
The Logical Fallacies Poster provides concise explanations of 24 different tactics people use to try to win arguments or prove their point. The tactics can make their presentation of information sound smooth, authoritative, and "good." But as logical fallacies, or patterns of reasoning that fall apart and are rendered invalid when dissected (or expanded upon), those spewing them are really just feeding their audience a big ol' pile of BS. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.
Hot Head Candles
No one can say any of these famous (and infamous) politicians and world leaders isn't a hot head when they have a Hot Head Candle wick sticking out of their head.
Will Markusen creates his whimsical - and spot-on realistic - wax burners from silicon molds he prints on a 3D printer. What started with a glorious orange Trump head gag gift to friends and family, eventually became and entire online shop of Hot Head Candles, including the Obama and Putin beauties you see above, as well as burn-bright likenesses of Kim Jong Un, Hillary Clinton, Joseph Stalin, Ronald Regan, and Abe Lincoln.
If you thought Aunt Jan went red as Santa's Suit in the face when you dropped the F bomb at Christmas dinner, just wait to see the colors she turns when she starts pulling out hues from a box of Offensive Crayons. My best guesses: Baby Cage Crimson and Miscarriage Maroon.
Even if you're one who believes s/he's open to the politically incorrect, one who's thinking s/he's going to buy some Offensive Crayons for the perpetually butt hurt dude in your office, yuk, yuk, yuk, please understand there is probably a doodler or two in this box that's going to bunch up your panties too. And definitely some in the Offensive Crayons: Holiday Edition that are going to bristle the Baby Jesus.
Well, no, actually Baby J will probably be more like, "Mama, what are Regifted STDs and Frosty's Throbbing Erection? ... What do you mean you're a virgin and wouldn't know?"
Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener
Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with the female customer base in mind. Well. At least the portion of the female customer base that isn't going to have a conniption at the suggestion that women should strive to achieve a certain standard of nipple hue. A standard most certainly set by men.
But speaking of men, that's the market I think Pinky Queen really needs to tackle here. Specifically, men who gallivant about with their shirts off and end up on the cover of US Magazine on a regular basis. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, McConaughey.
Presidential Monster Action Figures
Just like the Baby Boomers, these former presidents aren't ready to retire. Or die. Some choice selections: Baracula, President Obama as Dracula; Zombush, President W. Bush zombified with skin gashes, and pretty much the same facial expression he always has; Wolf Bill, President Clinton as the Wolfman. Obviously. The biggest player of all the monsters; Monster from the Watergate Lagoon, President Nixon as the Fish Monster; and Phantom of the White House, President Kennedy as the best looking and most suave of the monsters.
Love and Marriage by Bill Cosby
You say, "Too soon!" I say, "Never forget!" Though when I say that I'm mostly talking to my mama, who denies it now, but definitely owned the Cosy bestseller Fatherhood when I was a kid, and probably still had it on her shelf right up until he got banished from pop culture.
Dark Desires: Taken By the Obamacare Sex Robot
What, you thought an erotic novel about Rob Gronkowski was all author Lacey Noonan had up her pen? Oh no. She just keeps getting better with this 2-part series exploring the oppressed lives of Holly and Brad McQuerty under Obamacare.
Dark Desires shows how the worlds of a couple just trying to make good is upheaved and thrown into chaos by President Obama's Affordable Care Act. Its death panels. Its enforced premiums. Its sex robots.
Holly and Brad want no part of this sexy cyborg special delivery sent by the government to help them blow off their conservative steam, but one thing leads to another and...I won't ruin the rest for you.
If you've already read and loved Dark Desires, Noonan's follow-up, The Blacker the Robot the Moister the Oyster is also available in both paperback and e-book.
The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions
According to The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions, "Sex curls our toes, sparks our imagination, delightfully stimulates a multitude of sensations, makes us have funny faces, makes us docile and makes us crazy." Apparently, it also inspires us to bust out the Crayolas and water colors.
Whether the thought of sex sends a rush of blood north to your cheeks, or a rush of blood south to your...something else...author and illustrator Morgan Hastings' tongue-in-cheek romp of ink outlines, puzzles, and games makes for a sexcellent twist to an evening at home with your honey, or a less mind-numbing way to color in Santy's reindeer with the kids, and do the Christmas crossword with Grandma.
How it Works: The Wife
1960s pictures, 2010s nuggets of wisdom. The London-based Laybirds launched in 1964 as a series of hardback books presenting stereotypes of Brits and their family life. They were intended to help kids learn to read. And also how to be upstanding and conforming members of Western society. This contemporary reboot of the series brings a similar style of simple words and straightforward writing to an adult audience. In hopes of teaching them all the Ladybird lessons they didn't learn, forgot, or ignored as a child.
An excerpt from How It Works: The Wife: Wives like to be right.
Sara has been waiting for her husband Tom to arrive. He is half an hour late.
Sara is delighted. She knew this would happen.
You know how Chia Trump works. Cultivate him, water him, nurture him, and watch his green 'fro grow. It should reach full glory in 1 to 2 weeks. Chia Trump: Make Ahairica Great Again.
Interestingly, Chia Bernie costs 50% to 60% more than Trump, Hillary, Obama, and the other Chia politicians. He's still for sale, mind you, he just costs more.
Right Or Racist: The Party Game About Stereotypes
Hey everyone, still in search of the perfect party game for the holidays? Right Or Racist has multi-generational Christmas dinner, multi-cultural families meeting for the first time, and especially office holiday parties with nail-biting HR departments written all over it!
The Party Game About Stereotypes seeks to capitalize on our current social and political climate for sure, but it also claims to provide a platform that will "help us learn about one another and ourselves, engage in useful dialogue, and most importantly, to laugh." I can just hear my Aunt Jan now: "I'm not racist, but I do think...." Or my wife's cousin Toby: "I'm sittin' Indian-style and I don't care what you libtard snowflakes have to say about it!"
Putin Riding a Bear Action Figure
Chuck Norris was like, "Uh, Vladimir Putin just asked if he could see my bear, and then hopped on and rode off on it," and Robert Kraft was like, "Yeah, join the club, dude! Putin did the same thing with my Super Bowl XXXIX ring!"
And, not to be outdone, America chimed in, "Uh, what the freedom do you think he did with our 2016 election?"