20 Gifts for Every Mood
Life: it's a whole mood. Which is to say it's a mashup of all the moods. Here, I've picked out 20 of them, and paired them with a gift, a product that either exemplifies the mood and the feelings that come with it, or a product that endeavors to change a bad mood, help make it better. Maybe you know someone going through a mood who could use a pick-me-up. Or maybe you're in the mood to buy some moody gifts for yourself. Either way, you're in the right place. Enjoy my roundup of 20 gifts for every mood.
Note: All 20 moody gifts are priced as they were at printing on January 27, 2022. Pricing, and availability, are subject to change.
Happy: Tassen Cereal & Ice Cream Bowls
Emoji-bowls might be the best way to describe Tassen's expressive line of cereal and ice cream bowls. The dishes, sold separately, come in a few different sizes and several emotive characters sure to make you smile as you eat your morning Lucky Charms or after-dinner Mocha Chip.
Sad (Wallowing): World's Smallest Violin
This is the world's smallest violin, and I'm gonna play it just for you...sad sacks! So many whiners and wet blankets! At work. On the road. At the checkout line. In my inbox. And the biggest one of all: right there in my bathroom mirror.
OK, I don't know if this particular miniature violin is truly the World's Smallest, but at 3" long, it's definitely small enough to whip out of a drawer or pick up off your desktop and bow a few times to get your point across. Unfortunately, the fiddle model is only that - you can't really play it. But you could hum a line from your favorite sad sonata to enhance the effect, and ensure the grousing recipient of your sarcasm walks away irritated on top of melancholy.
Sad (Seasonal Affective Disorder): Circadian Optics Art Deco Light Therapy Lamp
Give dark days some light - and some style - with this Art Deco Light Therapy Lamp from Circadian Optics. The mood light / sun lamp brings replica, and UV-free, rays to your home or office, providing a bright and happy boost throughout the winter. Or all year long if your WFH situation has landed you in the basement.
Festive: Hanging Disco Ball Planter
Don't panic, plant it at the disco! This Hanging Disco Ball Planter brings some sparkle to your greenery and blooms. Especially the greenery and blooms you can't quite cultivate to look like they actually enjoy living in your house.
In addition to reflecting light and giving your plants an excuse to party day and night, the Hanging Disco Ball Planter also helps keep them well-fed with its self-watering design.
Contemplative: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
In The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, John Koenig sets out "to fill the gaps in our language of emotion" with words he made up to describe very specific experiences and feelings. Some examples include: 1) Astrophe. The longing to explore beyond the planet Earth; 2) Anemoia. Nostalgia for a time you've never actually experienced; and 3) Lachesism. The primal hunger for a disaster that will shake up your life.
Depressed: How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed
How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed is for all the dudes out there looking to feel a little less Eeyore, a little more Tigger. In fact, psychologist Jonas Horwitz has written his No BS Guide specifically for men, and specifically for men hesitant to read a self-help book, figuring they'll just get flooded with jargon and blathering.
Part of Horwitz's No BS approach is to write simply, more like a (surprisingly emotionally mature and open) buddy than a shrink, and to convince men with depression that they should take it seriously, treat it as they would diabetes, cancer, heart disease, the stuff that can kill them.
Horny (Dudes): Virtual Mate - Worlds' First Virtual Intimacy System
The long wait for your Mate is over! Virtual Mate has released some very slick - like, Astroglide slick - new technology. Self-described as "the world's first virtual intimacy system," Virtual Mate is a hyper-realistic VR sex game for your PC, laptop, mobile device, or VR Headset primed to beguile and get off everyone from gamers to, well, dudes with a pulse.
Horny (Ladies): The Womanizer
The German-made Womanizer lures in lusty ladies with its PleasureAir technology, a feature that stimulates the clitoris without direct contact. No, I don't know why that translates to longer, more intense, multiple, and no-fail orgasms either, but the number of reviews containing the word "amazing" in them suggests touchless clitoral stimulation isn't just pseudoscience or lip service.
Well. Maybe a different kind of lip service.
Stressed: Pet This F*cking Puppy
Author Robb Pearlman and illustrator Jason Kayser call Pet This F*cking Puppy the "first-ever touch-and-feel book for grown-ups." I have to disagree with that - haven't they seen Pat the Zombie? - but I do think their take brings a different kind of interactive stress relief to the genre. The kind that reminds you we've all been there, that if you don't laugh about it you'll end up crying.
Anxious: Pick 'N Peel Stones for Anxiety Relief
Give your cuticles, dry skin, scabs, and nose holes a break. Pick 'N Peel Stones will provide the same type of release for your anxiety and antsiness without making you bleed or leaving a scar. Some of you pickers may have already channeled some of your stress and excess energy into a Pop It Pal. Thick of Pick 'N Peel Stones as the beautiful, and infinitely less gross, version of a pimple popping simulator.
Angry: Do Hit Chair - DIY Sledgehammer Seating
I can't say I've ever seen a chair with a "Do Not Hit" sign or theme, but that doesn't make this Do Hit Chair any less interesting to me. It's like, you know, Just Do Hit.
In the spirit of anger- and stress-busting smash rooms, the Marijn van der Poll Do Hit Chair design for Droog arrives as a stainless steel box and sledgehammer. It's your choice as co-designer where the DIY seating goes from there. Shouldn't be hard to make it a hit.
Mischievous: Tirecockz Prank Tire Valve Stem Caps
Ain't no practical joke more practical than Tirecockz. The ridickulous penis tire valve stem caps will humiliate your friend Cornelius (more than driving a Dodge Neon beater already does) but still protect his valve stems while he's spinning porkswords to get home to figure out how to make you pay for this purple-nozzled yogurt slinger of injustices.
Hungry: 10-Pound Toblerone Bar
Toblerone has built 45, 100-gram servings into their 10-pound mountain range of chocolate, honey, and almond nougat. That's: 1) The largest Toblerone in production; 2) 23,625 calories of smooth Swiss chocolate goodness; 3) Enough apologies to your girlfriend for forgetting / showing up late / being inconsiderate / saying the wrong thing / taking her literally / not taking her literally / generally F'ing up to cover the entirety of 2022.
Ravenous: Corn Dog Butt Plug
I mean, when you're that hungry, it's hard to tell which will truly satiate you: a corn dog; or some ass. May as well have both just to be safe.
This Corn Dog Butt Plug from Glow F Yourself does double plugging duty, with the domed end plugging into one willing participant's poophole, and the breaded meat product end into a second willing participant's piehole. Not just to suck on or take in Cheeseburger Ball Gag-style either. The corn dog on the Corn Dog Butt Plug is a real live corn dog ready to get (butt)munched on.
Exhausted: Chi Swing Machine
Daiwa says their Vitality Swing, a chi swing machine, provides "passive exercise," and I don't know if that's true or possible, but I sure do like the sound of it. When in use, the machine sways back and forth, creating a wave-like motion from your ankles to your spine, intended to replicate the way fish move in water.
The chi swing machine endeavors to relieve stress, promote better sleep, and improve energy levels.
Snarky: Shuh Duh Fuh Cup Unicorn Mug
Who better to deliver the message than a unicorn? No, a-hole, it's not a mug, it's a Shuh Duh Fuh Cup! With a side of rainbows, stars, and two giant birds.
I like how whoever made the Shuh Duh Fuh Cup Unicorn Mug takes great pride in their work, explaining in the product description that the desktop centerpiece is made "using the best, grade A ceramic mugs and sublimation inks available." Nothing but top of the line for unicorns and snarky, obscenity-laced wordplay! Speaking of which, have you seen this mug?
See you next Tuesday!
Creative: Duct Tape Engineer
Not sure knowing your way around a roll of duct tape will get you a job at NASA, but if you pair it with Duct Tape Engineer the knowledge could score you a sweet backpack. Or a whole entire kayak. That floats!
To find out for sure, check out Lance Akiyama's step-by-step instructions in Duct Tape Engineer - the book of Big, Bigger, and Epic Duct Tape Projects. Akiyama goes beyond belts and bracelets in his adhesive adventures, compiling how-tos for 14 duct tape projects with legit functional uses. In addition to bags and boats, you can make a toolbox, a catapult, a geodesic dome, or even a queen bed frame.
Nostalgic: Casio Calculator Watch
Who remembers the CASIOTRON? Casio's 1974 release of the world's first digital watch with an automatic calendar. Well, also looking svelte and cutting-edge in that chunky, throwback sort of way is the timepiece magnate's Databank Calculator Watch. Time, date, 1/100 second stopwatch, and basic mathematical functions - what more does one need to wade through the murky waters of life? Also, it looks like it came straight to 2022 from an Anthony Michael Hall movie, so bonus points awarded there.
Dark: Steven Rhodes T-Shirts
This line of Nostalgia with a Twist of Darkness T-Shirts comes from the dark and nostalgic mind of artist Steven Rhodes. I've included some of my favorites in the images above, but there are dozens more to choose from, some of which are too black and occult in their humor even for me. T-Shirts with "Let's Sacrifice Toby," "My First Knife Fight," and "Learn About Subtraction," each with corresponding images of children doing things no one, especially children, should be doing immediately come to mind.
Provocative: Offensive Crayons
If your favorite pastime is riling up Karens the world over, get ready for hours of fun with Offensive Crayons. And even if you think you yourself are open to the politically incorrect, unless you're Daniel Tosh politically incorrect, you might wince at the idea of coloring a neutral abstract out of Miscarriage Maroon and Travel Ban Brown, with accents of Insufferable Vegan Green, and the unavoidable wash of Privilege White.