A Geek's Gift Guide of Gadgets, Gear, Novelties and Zombies    * Updated daily

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Thursday, November 29, 2012
Washing Machine Suitcase
$152 from PrezzyBox »

At first I thought this was an actual washing machine/suitcase combo. Like for moms to tote around and use to instantly remove the spit-up and dirt and, in my case, Bloody Marys, from their kids' perpetually soiled clothes....

Sunday, May 13, 2012
Game Boy Watch
$24 from Games World »

Neon and mesh clothing are back in style, why not the Game Boy wrist watch? Though while Forever 21 has an entire 787 hangar full of hot pink, highlighter yellow, and retina-blasting green fishnets and half shirts, this little...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013
P.E. Is Not the Olympics Shirts
$27.99 - $29.99 from Skreened »

It was between the "Calm down bro. It's P.E. not the Olympics" shirt and the "I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious" shirt. I went with the first one because I figure the second really only applies to me, and I already bought it. Several, actually--one for each day of the year I achieve a new level of comic genius. No, not 365, just 364. I take Groundhog Day off to watch...

Friday, August 17, 2012
Sriracha Boxer Briefs
$18.99 from The Oatmeal Shop »

For those who claim to put Sriracha on everything, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Introduce the rooster to the family jewels. Acquaint your two favorite hot cocks. Sriracha Boxer Briefs burn along backsides...

Saturday, June 16, 2012
Chainmail Bikini Top
$175 from Etsy »

Cosplay, Comic-Con, even the swimming pool. Yes, this handwoven chainmail bikini top is waterproof and primed for a summer of splashing, floating, and breaststroking medieval style. All that's missing is the sea serpent raft...

Sunday, December 23, 2012
Bubble Wrap Suit
$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

I wonder if they ship it packed in porcelain. Though an official nod to Dude, Where's My Car? UFO cultists and their leader, Zoltan, the Bubble Wrap Suit really transcends circa 2000 stoner flick pigeon holes in its practicality and appeal....

Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Optimus Prime Hoodie
$60 from 80stees.com »

They call the Optimus Prime Hoodie a costume, but come on. I would rock that shizit out any day of the year. Particularly days when I feel like spontaneously transforming into a brave and wise leader of robots (with accompanying...

Monday, December 12, 2011
The Boob Scarf
$30 from Etsy »

Breast enhancement surgery is a major decision every 16 year old girl has to make for herself. Why not give the new look a trial run first while at the very same time keeping your neck warm? Don't think that's possible? Nothing...

Friday, October 26, 2012
What Happened Bandages?

Nothing like a little colorful latex with cockamamie explanations of what you did to require bandage coverage to make paper cuts, minor dicing mishaps, and drunken tumbles look a little more admirable. Each box of What Happened?...

Saturday, October 20, 2012
X-Ray Leggings
$90 from Nike »

X-Ray Leggings have images of real bones digitally printed on their front and back. With an inexplicable collection of screws, broken femurs, and hip replacements decorating the gluteus maximus side. Oh, actually the explanation...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Star Wars Huttese Translator Ring
$14.99 from Amazon »

Communication, so the saying goes, is key. How appropriate then for the bilinguists of the Galactic Republic to provide us with this Translator Ring, a finger-sized key to communicating with the Huttese. Imagine how Jabba...

Thursday, March 08, 2012
Peanut Butter & Jelly Wallet
$8.11 from Amazon »

This nifty Peanut Butter & Jelly Wallet with photo-real fabric looks so authentic petty thieves and street urchins will never suspect it's housing your cash and credit cards. On the flip side, beware of fat kids. Each sandwich...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Personalized Suit Lining
$320 - $960 from A Suit That Fits »

Load your lining. British tailor A Suit That Fits makes custom suits for clients that now include the option of uploading a photo or image to be printed on the jacket's lining. Though this probably won't look very remarkable...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Batman Contact Lenses
$39.90 from dbeauty shop »

Batman. He's conquered the comics. He's conquered the big screen. He's conquered Lycra and plastic composites armor. Now, he's here to take on eyeballs. Batman Contact Lenses make their wearers one with the Dark Knight's optics...

Friday, January 25, 2013
Double Handed Glove of Love
$39.59 from Firebox.com »

Four things to keep in mind, men, when you buy a Smitten, the double handed glove of love, for your wife or girlfriend this Valentine's Day. 1) The Smitten is a glove built for two schmoopy folks' simultaneous use. 2) It is...

Saturday, February 09, 2013
Functional Lighter Cufflinks
$99.99 from Etsy »

How boss will I be when people see me light a stogie with my cufflinks? Never mind that the awe and admiration will be fleeting once my shirt sleeve and, shortly thereafter, entire person also erupts into flame*. A few James...

Thursday, October 06, 2011
Batman Party Invitations
$27.50 from Etsy »

Set the tone for your super party with some super invitations. No envelope needed! When you open the bat covered flaps the invitation is inside. Constructed from high quality cardstock, the invitations are quite sturdy and...

Saturday, January 12, 2013
NYC Subway Tights
$44 from Nylon Journal »

NYC Subway Map Tights address two male quandaries. 1) Being lost on the streets of New York and not wanting to ask for directions. 2) Coming up with something non-douchebaggy to say after getting caught staring at a smokin'...

Monday, October 22, 2012
Rechargeable Heated Insoles
$129.97 - $174.99 from Amazon »

When I was a young lad, my parents bought battery-operated socks. For themselves, not for me. Sometimes, when forced to sit outside in frigid midwest winter wind chills for three hours' worth of my brother's junior football...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Cartoon Bags

Nope, they're not drawings, they're not Photoshopped, and they don't exist only in the realms of Cool World and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Cartoon Bags, by JumpFromPaper's dynamically creative, Taipei-based designers Chay Su...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Princess Leia Beanie
$30 from Etsy »

The Princess Leia Beanie is buns o' fun. Wah, wah. Well, what else can we say? Star Wars fans gotta like it by proxy, Stitch 'N' Bitch circle members gotta like it by definition, and girls gotta like it 'cause it's warm, and...

Saturday, June 02, 2012
Dope Swimsuit

I suppose the Dope Swimsuit describes how the women wearing it look and feel, as well as what the men who see these women act like they have been smoking. A jet black one-piece with "Dope" spelled in hip cursive just slightly...

Thursday, February 07, 2013
Titanium Handcuff Ring
$495 from Boone Rings »

Like the Titanium Utility Ring, Bruce Boone's Titanium Handcuff Ring owns a slot in his Laser Cut Series of jewelry. The mini finger cuff precisely matches a full-size bad (or naughty) guy restraint, and even opens and closes...

Saturday, December 22, 2012
Grenade Coin Pouch
$8.99 from Amazon »

I knew with a little help from the Internet it wouldn't take long to find an answer to my question of what am I going to do with all of the grenades I stockpiled in anticipation of the end of the world that did not happen....

Thursday, May 17, 2012
Doctor Who TARDIS Necklace
$28 from Etsy »

Time Machine Jewelry interprets TARDIS approaching the Untempered Schism in this steampunk-esque pendant hanging from a 20" chain. Stare into the hypnotizing movement and gears of its vintage silver and gold pocket watches...

Monday, April 23, 2012
F*ck the Rain Umbrella

A picture is worth a thousand words. Or maybe just two of our most favorite ones, directed towards the supreme asshole of regular climatological events. It seems like all of our best laid plans revolve around the temperamental...

Friday, September 02, 2011
Handerpants
$9.75 from Amazon »

Finally a real need has been filled. Underpants for your hands. Great for protecting your hands while... eating chocolate and scratching your butt? Maybe these gloves should be worn under your regular gloves to protect them...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Inner Message Ring
$169.99 from Infmetry »

It's the relationship and commitment hairshirt! Currently available in "Always" and "Marry me", Inner Message Rings are the perfect way to say, "If you really love me, you'll wear this ring that never stops gouging your flesh...

Thursday, March 14, 2013
Zombie Cologne
$20 - $39.50 from Demeter »

It seems to me that smelling like a zombie would not bode well for one's interactions with humans. I imagine the scents of Demeter's Zombie for Him and Zombie for Her incorporate a rank melange of decaying organic matter (i.e....

Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Pillow Tie
$19.95 from Pillow Tie »

Neck-to-pillow contact : Kelly Brook :: Neck-to-tie contact : Rosie O'Donnell. Therefore, neck-to-Pillow-Tie contact = hmmm, Zooey Deschanel? Or maybe topless Anna Paquin. Listen, Pillow Ties are not a substitute for down...

Sunday, July 15, 2012
Lollipop Chainsaw Juliet Costume
$575 from Etsy »

San Diego Comic-Con may be winding down, but the San Romero zombie apocalypse is just amping up. And if you're going to splice off heads and bifurcate torsos chainsaw-wielding-Juliet style when it gets here, you're gonna need...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Lord of the Rings Underwear
$13.50 from Etsy »

Balrogs and horndogs beware! These gold-emblazoned ladies' hot shorts guard the Secret Fire and they will not avail your advances! Undies are American Apparel brand, and come in S, M & L. Check out the size guide photo prior...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Knuckle Duster Engagement Rings
$425 from Kate Bauman »

When you can't remember if Mama said you can't hurry love, or if Mama said knock you out, it's best to cover all bases. These gleaming symbols of betrothal let everyone you encounter know you are blissfully off the market...

Saturday, September 29, 2012
Siamese Clown Mask
$32.49 from Amazon »

Ho. Ly. Balls. Does anyone have some Glow-in-the-Dark Toilet Paper, because I think I just crapped my pants. If one twisted, dagger-toothed, Joker-on-acid clown mask isn't enough for you this Halloween, how about a conjoined...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Christmas Vacation Cousin Eddie Hat
Sold Out from Amazon »

What can I say, the shitter was full. Fans of A Christmas Story and the craptastic It's a Wonderful Life may flog me, but I stand by the following statement: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the best holiday movie...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Emoticon Calendar
$13.68 from Etsy »

On the whole, emoticons are not my favorite addition to the human sphere of communication. However, one time I really wanted to break things off with this girl and was dragging my feet about it for like a month until I finally...

Thursday, August 25, 2011
TRON Stainless Steel Black Ring
$16.50 from Etsy »

Do you really want to irritate your wife? Then demand that this be your wedding ring. Why not? Kind of makes a statement to would be criminals too. You're a dude wearing a black steel ring... you're a dude not to be messed...

Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Nintendo Gameboy Dress
$78 from Etsy »

Finally. A way to combine your one true love and the girl you're currently boning. This handmade, handcrafted dress will surely lead to a handjob if you're smart enough to buy one for your girl....