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Nutshellz Level I Bullet Resistant Groin Cup

$99.99 from Amazon »

Whoa. If I need a Nutshellz Level I bullet resistant groin cup it means I think I might be getting shot in the nuts. And if I'm getting shot in the nuts, it means the person doing the shooting is really evil, really hates...

Skinners Minimalist Barefoot Sock Shoes

$59.90 from Amazon »

Skinners combine socks and the minimalist, barefoot shoe craze to form...Skinners Minimalist Barefoot Sock Shoes. I feel like this is the one thousandth time already this year I've had to ask, Are we living in an episode...

Lay-n-Go Wired Accents Bag

$31.50 from Amazon »

Lay-n-Go, huh? Sounds like a Tinder date more than a cord and tech bag to me. But maybe the people who came up with the Lay-n-Go aren't familiar with the pleasures of laying and going, and therefore do not see the irony...

Men's Nike Benassi JDI Fanny Pack Slide

$49.99 from Finish Line »

If I heard about Nike's new Benassi JDI Fanny Pack men's slide sandals without seeing them, I'd probably ask whatever yay-hoo was telling me about them if he needed some shoes to go with his Dadbag and Swoveralls. Or...

Cuchini Camel Toe Pad

$19.95 from Amazon »

I know no dude wants a camel toe pad. At least...not for himself. But maybe he's looking for a thoughtful gift for his girlfriend, who's especially well endowed in the vulvar and, uh, front mound areas of her crotchal...

CHIIZ Hands-Free Sonic-Powered Toothbrush

The CHIIZ hands-free sonic-powered toothbrush, just like your mama, wants to know if you really brush your teeth for the requisite 2 minutes, twice a day? According to the recommended "Bass Brushing" technique of tiny...

The Original Pussycat Patch Crotch Wigs (NSFW)

$39.95 - $95.95 from Merkin Store »

Did you know crotch wigs have an official name besides "crotch wigs?" According to crotch wig maker The Original Pussycat Patch, they're called "merkins." Merkins! It sounds like a new breed of little creatures created...

G.I. Joe Cologne

$80 from Amazon »

I never considered what a G.I. Joe might smell like. I mean a real G.I. Joe. I know exactly what the G.I. Joes I played with as a kid smelled like: plastic and PB&J. And whatever else was on my hands when I touched them...

Duke Cannon Cold Ass Beer Shower Sack Gift Set

$75.95 from Amazon »

Duke Cannon has put together a fine gift for Dad - or any man who's into beer and hygiene - with their Cold Ass Beer Shower Sack. A limited edition compilation, the 6-strong set of grooming goods kicks off its rugged...

CUEME App-Controlled Vibrating Massage Bra

$39 from Amazon »

The CUEME Massage Bra is a smart supporter of boobies whose companion app allows wearers - or wearers' designated representatives - to control 4 vibration massage modes over "8 major massage pressure points" on the female...

Lace Up Jeans

$49.99 from Fashion Nova »

As much as I want to sit back and enjoy these hot ass Wild Thang Lace Up Jeans from Fashion Nova, I cannot keep my mind from bending at funny angles every time I look at them*. Is this an optical illusion? What happened...

Revolver Ring

$3,900 from Etsy »

I wonder if Outshine Designs got the idea for their Revolver Ring from Looney Tunes or one of those superhero movies where some poor sap tries to point a gun at the wrong Super Strong Man, and he takes it and bends it...

You're Too Close Baseball Hat

$10.99 from Amazon »

Did a Redditor make this "You're too close" baseball hat, or did someone else just figure out they could make enough to retire selling them to Redditors? Because if there were one piece of headwear I'd guess at least...

Death Star Engagement Ring

$450 - $1,200 from Etsy »

Ah, an engagement ring symbolic of your move to the Dark Side. Married. The Death Star engagement ring from Alien Forms Jewelry is far from the first Star Wars jewelry we've seen, but I think using an evil, death-dealing...

Balega Blister Resist Socks

$8.97 - $18 from Amazon »

Balega socks probably know avid runners and athletes don't let blisters, or the potential for rubbing one up, dissuade them from lacing up and taking off. But getting blisters is a pain. A persistent, burning pain that...

Tattoo Tights

$18 - $33 from Etsy »

I wonder if women who see these Tattoo Tights feel like I do when I see the Wonderffle Stuffed Waffle Iron. All hot and sweaty and in need of a change of pants...

Don't Panic Keychain Towel

$10.99 - $14.99 from SN Pro Tips »

I was stoked when I found these Don't Panic thigh-high stockings for my fiancee to wear on our wedding day, but it's nothing compared to the joy I feel now having found SN Pro Tips' Don't Panic Keychain Towel for myself...

Lightsaber Willy Warmer

$30.43 from Etsy »

This Lightsaber Willy Warmer might be the finest expression of Grandmas's yarn I ever saw. Not a bad tribute to Star Wars either, presuming you've mastered The Force well enough to wield this saber once it's fired up...

Foodie Bow Ties

$50.90 - $108.17 from Etsy »

Bow ties made to look like food! I wouldn't call myself a foodie, but food is my favorite thing in the whole world (tied with my fiancee and my mama) and seeing a bowtie pasta bowtie - a piece of pasta bow tie-ified!...

Loop High Fidelity Donut Earplugs

$29.95 from Amazon »

Loop High Fidelity Earplugs make hearing protection functional and fashionable. Presuming you dig the look of a coupla donuts in your ears (no lobe stretching required!) The new twist on earplugs takes the standard Pac-Man-ghost-shaped...

Loker 8GB Voice Recorder Watch

$32.99 from Amazon »

Talk to the hand 'cause the face don't...have an audio recorder with 8GB of built-in memory. The Loker Voice Recorder Watch places the ability to record and store up to 101 hours of audio within constant reach. A subtle...

PF Flyers 25th Anniversary Sandlot Sneakers

It's been almost 2 years since PF Flyers released their Made in USA Sandlot Edition sneakers, so I'm due for a new pair. And, happily, the PF Flyers 25th Anniversary Sandlot sneaks are due to launch, in collaboration...

Victorinox I.N.O.X. Carbon Limited Edition

$995 from Swiss Army »

Victorinox will sell just 1,200 pieces of its I.N.O.X. watch, a Carbon Limited Edition whose claim to Swiss Army fame is a case built from carbon "that's 50% lighter and five times more resistant than steel." In less...

Handmade Skull Shaving Brush

$130 from Etsy »

One Skull Shaving Brush here to help you wipe that stubble...and that smile...and that skin and tissue right off your face. Handmade in Italy by Goth Chic Accessories, this wicked brush foams shaving cream and paints...