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Your Face Custom Face Masks

$19.95 Obscure A Tees »

Your own face on a face mask. The option has been available, and shown a few different faces of itself, for years now - remember the creepy Realface clone? - but this one from Obscure A Tees is made in the face of Covid-19...

The Weatherman Umbrella for 55MPH Winds

Sold Out Amazon »

The Weatherman Umbrella knows not everyone can be Mary Poppins on a rainy day, but when the wind picks up anyone with a crappy umbrella can be...the dude who gets drenched and disheveled because his umbrella blows inside...

Philips DIY Hair Clippers with Head Shaver Attachment

Discontinued

I'm not trying to make self-haircut kits a recurring series or anything, but they are an item of high interest right now, and the Philips Headgroom, DIY hair clippers with a head shaver attachment, bring a little something...

K-fit Kegel Toner for Men

Sold Out Amazon »

One thing I don't like the looks of is this K-fit Kegel Toner for Men. Part 1 of my instinct to slowly back away is, of course, the "probe," which may not go up my pee hole, but is definitely going somewhere uncomfortable...

The Dad Mask

The Dad Mask is laced up and ready to shield against viruses, filter out allergens and dust particles, thwart lawnmower fumes, stave off grill smoke, absorb all grass stains, and enshroud the mug of the man, the myth...

Pocket Cane - Ultra-Compact Walking Cane

$49 Amazon »

Instant pimp, at your service. And, sure, the Pocket Cane is also a convenient and less cumbersome way for the injured and elderly to keep a walking stick close at hand...

Disposable Skin Stapler & Staple Remover

$23.99 Amazon »

That's a nasty gash, but...you sure you want to go to the ER? Even with them all stretched to capacity, and me all standing here with a Disposable Skin Stapler set? And, I mean, you spent the last month mastering the...

Remington Cordless Vacuum Self-Haircut Kit

Sold Out Amazon »

When it comes to cutting your own hair, Remington really has your back. Well, with their Vacuum Self-Haircut Kit, they mostly have your head and neck, but if you're bushy in the torso area...and lower...I'm sure you could...

ClearUP - Drug-Free Sinus Pain Relief for Allergies

Sold Out Amazon »

Zap your allergy-related sinus pain like your mosquitos! The ClearUP is a drug-free device that uses an electrical current to stimulate sinus nerve fibers under your cheeks, nose bone, and brown bone, helping to ease...

Foots Love Broken Toe Wraps

$12.82 Amazon »

Foots Love Broken Toe. I can't help but read that curious name for a broken toe wrap and crooked / hammer toe splint like, "Foots be lovin' them some broken toes. So come on, son, drop that dumbbell on piggies 2 and 3...

Corgi Butt Leggings

$54.07 Etsy »

Why you gotta taunt me, Corgi Butt Leggings? Like I don't want to pet, pat, and smack my wife's ass often enough as it is. Especially now that we're sheltering up in place, so it's within about 50' of me 24/7. Adding...

Shower Foot Massager, Scrubber & Cleaner

$14.95 Amazon »

When I went to my Nana's as an ornery kid, and either didn't want to take a shower, or didn't clean myself to her liking, she always told me the same thing: "If you don't get in that shower and do it right, I'll come...

Like a Good Neighbor Social Distancing T-Shirt

$15.95 Amazon »

Like a good neighbor, stay over there. You can get it as a social distancing T-shirt. A social distancing coffee mug. A social distancing doormat. And that's not all, because it's official: the COVID-19 merch is here!...

Remington Shortcut Pro Self-Haircut Kit

$59.99 Amazon »

Time to learn a new skill...and maybe learn to love a new haircut. The Remington Shortcut Pro is a self-haircut kit that could see a big surge in popularity if barber shops and hair salons remain closed for the foreseeable...

Ingrown Toenail Correction Tool

Sold Out Amazon »

Nothing like fighting the inflicted pain of an ingrown toenail with...inflicting pain to remove the ingrown toenail. This ingrown toenail correction tool looks like a torture device created by evil nail salon owners...

Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs

Discontinued

Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock &...

I Wash My Hands of The Virus COVID-19 Buttons

$14.95 - $118.95 Amazon »

I guess these I Wash My Hands of The Virus buttons are the equivalents of I Voted buttons for people who practice responsible COVID-19 prevention practices. Or maybe they'll appeal to the growing frustration with the...

Crapper Concealer - Toilet Stall Shoe Covers

The Crapper Concealer is a set of shoe covers you slip over your feet to maintain anonymity when you use a public toilet stall. And by "use" I mean poop. Shit. Drop a fat deuce. Brown-out destroy. Do things to that poor...

Fireproof, Waterproof, Windproof 100 Year Hoodie

$495 Vollebak »

Version 3 of Vollebak's 100 Year Hoodie is like the Anti-Captain Planet of outerwear. It repels wind, rain, snow, and now, fire. Earth is still missing though. Maybe they'll build version 4 to emit a force field against...

Fanny DeVito - Danny DeVito Fanny Pack

The Fanny DeVito is a portmanteau of Danny DeVito and a fanny pack in both glorious name and glorious practice. What looks to be a decently made canvas hip pack serves as the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor's...

Racist BS Cat Cover-Up Stickers

$1.50 - $8.63 Cracks Appearing Distro »

It's a cat cover-up! No, not a cover-up orchestrated by cats, say, to hide all that toilet paper they just shredded as you tried to hoard it amidst the coronavirus outbreak. A cover-up in sticker form, one that pairs...

HOKA TenNine Sneakers

$250 HOKA One One »

Baby. Got. Back. If you'd like some sneakers to help you get rid of a big, saggy ass, I present for your consideration HOKA TenNines. Sneakers that themselves have a big, saggy ass...

18K Gold & Diamond Pave Skull Ring

$5,249 Etsy »

His name is Rrrico. Rrrico Pave. This sold 18K gold and diamond pave skull ring sees 2.9 carats of ethically sourced South African diamonds embedded flush and showy in a human-style skull made in your choice of hollow...

GloFX Pixel Pro Infinite Portal Goggles

$84.99 Amazon »

Call me 4-eyes again and I'll suck you into the hell portals that are the outer 2 of them! Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm too high to do that right now. Let's just dance like maniacs to the strobing LEDs and pass out once...