21

Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)

By: on November 18, 2016
  • Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)
  • Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)
  • Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)
  • Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)
  • Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)
$99.99
Check It Out

Private Gym helps you work out the one body part HIIT, spin class, boot camp, and personal trainers all neglect. (Well. Unless you have a really good, really, hands-on, really hot personal trainer.) This 8-week strength and fitness program for your third leg includes a DVD with instructional and training videos, plus a resistance band and additional detachable weight plate. Stick with it and Private Gym says it will build you a boner of steel capable of achieving orgasms more powerful than the Hulk wearing MARK XLVI.

A comprehensive sexual health program, Private Gym also aims to prevent premature ejaculation, enable greater ejaculatory force, support bladder control, alleviate incontinence, and improve prostate health.

Click here to head over to Amazon and check Private Gym out, or keep reading for more of the hard(on) facts.

Private Gym combines a mantra of "Squeeze and release" with an FDA-registered DVD workout program designed to strengthen your pelvic muscles. Just as doctors encourage women to perform Kegel exercises, men's lower abdominal and groin areas can greatly benefit from focused contraction and calibrated movement as well.

Private Gym creators have collaborated with urologists, physiotherapists, and sexual health experts to develop this kit, which they say is "guaranteed to improve sexual performance, urinary conditions and prostate health." They also note the penis trainer has been proven to prevent and reverse man's #1 most common sexual shortcoming: premature ejaculation.

Aw, come on! It only happens when I accidentally think of Margot Robbie making out with Jennifer Lawrence in a buckskin hammock before thrust #10!

Private Gym's 8-week program DVD (plus free online access to additional training videos) guides men through regional muscle building exercises. Some are equipment-free, while others incorporate the Private Gym's expandable resistance ring and, eventually, its attachable magnetic weight. Once overachieving penises have completed a 4-week Basic Program, they begin a 4-week resistance program, using the weight to execute more advanced exercises.

Upon mastering the Penis Dead Lift, Private Gym clients will receive a Certificate of Achievement and an invite to take part in either product infomercials or high budget pornos.

At least I hope so.

Get your own Private Gym with Amazon Prime shipping here.

Buy Now

Flowering Penis Coffee Mug

$15.99 from Amazon »

For all the ladies (and fellas!) who count floral patterns and penises amongst their favorite things, have I got a mug of a gift for you. Clothing and accessory brand HUMAN goes for a very anatomical part of being one...

Check it out

Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

Check it out

Luxury Mile High Club Experience

$7,750 from Wish.co.uk »

Don't just simulate them in a Jet Bed, realize your aero-fantasies with the Luxury Mile High Club Experience. Wish.co.uk, peddlers of myriad activities intended to prevent life and its inhabitants from becoming boring...

Check it out

Boregasm Pills

Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and horny) PhD students at Indiana University's The Kinsey Institute, they're about to...

Buy Now

Embarrassing Box Prank Mailer (NSFW)

$14.99 from Amazon »

D*ck in a Box is back! Just in time to dil-dole out some good times at the office and an April Fool's Day gift or two. Like many popular send-it-anonymously pranks, maker Witty Yeti will take a sworn oath to mail your...

Buy Now

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

Sold Out from Amazon »

Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

Check it out

LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case (NSFW)

$29.95 from Fleshlight »

Though it's not electric or piston-powered...or Japanese...like this friendly sex toy, the LaunchPAD does employ advanced technology in a valiant effort to enhance Man's alone time. The makers of male masturbatory aid...

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas (NSFW)

$11.95 from Amazon »

Is further product description really needed? First there was Georgia O'Keefe, now there is author and illustrator Morgan Hastings. Black-and-white outlines of anatomical wonders beg for your acrylic and Crayola technicolor...

Check it out

OtoSet Automatic Ear Cleaning Headset

By: SafKan »

I doubt SafKan made its OtoSet to be the Beats headphones of earwax removal systems. But since finishing the last episode of The Defiant Ones, Beats headphones are all I see when I look at the world's first automated...

Buy Now

The Pop-up Book of Sex (NSFW)

$146.17 from Amazon »

It's a good thing The Pop-up Book of Sex came to us (hard, I hear) over 10 years ago because the decade in between gave YouTubers plenty of time to put together a detailed video flip-through of every single one of the...

Buy Now

Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible (NSFW)

$24.98 from Amazon »

Remember that one time you let some chick drag you to hot yoga because she too was hot and you wanted to see her do bendy things in spandex pants, but then you ended up spending the whole class lying on your back trying...

Check it out

How to Pee with Morning Wood

$13.95 - $60.90 from Zazzle »

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...