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Saturday, April 27, 2013
Survivalist Solar Phone Charger
$169.95 from Amazon »

Other solar powered chargers exist...I mean, I think they do. I use the power of my mind to charge my devices, so I don't exactly keep up. But from what I hear from the less psychically apt and electrically inclined, there are several more...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Flexible Grilling Skewers
$9.44 from Amazon »

We can't all be lucky enough to find a girl who can do backbends and pretzel her legs behind her head, but thanks to Fire Wire's flexible grilling skewers, we can all enjoy and indulge in this display of talent from our kabobs. The more...

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Yoda Pipe
$150 from Etsy »

Yoda pipe? Yes, I'll take one. I will also take one six-piece Chicken McNugget, a dozen Doritos Locos tacos, a deep dish pepperoni pizza with extra sauce, and three large Oreo Mint Blizzards. Thank you, and Happy 4/20. more...

Sunday, September 09, 2012
Medieval Knight Hoodie
$218 from Etsy »

See, chivalry isn't dead. It's just been co-opted by the hoodie-wearing hipster crowd. This Medieval Knight Hoodie drips of irony akin to permutations of the mustache, and trending fads akin to bacon two years ago. Thanks to HBO's condensing more...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The BikeSpike
$175 - $199 from Kickstarter »

Maybe if theft hadn't plagued the rough & tumble town I grew up in, I would have learned to ride a bike when I was little. Genetic blessings of coordination and proprioception could have contributed to my cause too. Kids today, though, more...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Giant Cardboard Robot Arms Kit
$39 from Etsy »

When I transform into a paper-product-based Optimus Prime, I like to take on a more active role in the process than lifting my giant cardboard robot arms out of a giant cardboard box. So thanks be to Chuck Norris that Etsy's Giant Cardboard Arm peddler, whose preassembled phantasmagorical creations struck gold a while back, now has a DIY kit for industrious boys and girls to use in constructing more...

Friday, April 12, 2013
Legend of Zelda Songrings
$59.99 from Etsy »

Can you play the ocarina? Yeah, me neither. I took piano lessons when I was a kid, but after I learned the Top Gun anthem and the theme from Jurassic Park and then refused to play anything else my teacher suggested we part ways. Hi more...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
26-Pound Gummy Python
$149.99 from Vat 19 »

Oh look, a snake that can kill you without biting, constricting, or even being alive. At 84" long, 26.9 pounds, and a staggering 36,720 calories, the Gummy Python will inflict anything from hyperglycemia to ruptured intestines to instant more...

Sunday, December 30, 2012
Giant Swiss Army Knife
$1,392 from Amazon »

F light, low-profile, and practical. I live in the USA. I want the biggest and the best. Even if the biggest and the best means so cumbersome and heavy it makes me look like I have a gimp leg when I carry it in my pants pocket. Despite more...

Saturday, February 09, 2013
Sleeping Bag Sofa

I've slept on my sofa for the past 2-1/2 years. I've even slept in my sleeping bag on my sofa. But until now the two were not a happy combination, as the outsides of sleeping bags are slippery, and the heights of sofas are significant more...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Year of the Dead Zombie Lingerie Calendar
Sold Out from Amazon »

On the one hand, we don't really need 2013 calendars since we're probably not going to live to see 2013, but on the other hand, the Year of the Dead calendar brims with extremely hot and voluptuous zombie ladies in lingerie and brainy more...

Saturday, May 04, 2013
DrunkQuest: The 90 Proof Seas
$20 - $55 from Kickstarter »

As follow-up to a highly successful Kickstarter campaign and production run, the drinking/magic card game DrunkQuest has launched its first expansion: The 90 Proof Seas. In case you missed our feature on the original game, here's a more...

Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Decode the Time Watch
$99 from Tokyo Flash »

I know I've said this before, but my cache of interesting stories is running dry so here we go again: someone recently told me that schools no longer teach kids to read analog clocks because kids all have digital watches and cell phones more...

Monday, April 08, 2013
Unbreakable Slugger Umbrella
$119 - $199.95 from Amazon »

Look at that dude standin' on his umbrella! Aw snap, he just wailed on an 80-pound heavy bag with it. Holy crap, now he used it to hack up a watermelon! That's sufficient enough evidence for me to believe the Unbreakable Umbrella holds more...

Thursday, December 06, 2012
Yay Cleavage T-Shirt
$19 from Raygun »

I tried to crop out the part of the Yay Cleavage T-Shirt photo that shows the boobily blessed lady wearing it is pregnant, but I think you can still kind of tell. Sorry. I guess the V-neck may technically be intended for she who is more...

Monday, February 06, 2012
iWatch 2

It's sleek, it's svelte, and it will make your wrist look a mile long. It even redefines the concept of little black box with its glide-to-reveal top lid. The iWatch 2 has all of the classic features of the iWatch: WiFi and Bluetooth more...

Thursday, April 25, 2013
Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce
Sold Out from Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard, modified food more...

Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Dash Quickdraw Wallet
$19 - $24 from Kickstarter »

Credit card receptacles have gotten awfully fancy--from electronic signatures to electronic signatures with your fingertip to electronic signatures with your fingertip on an iPhone with a craaazy! credit card swiper bug attachment--so more...

Thursday, May 02, 2013
Military Grade Compass
$75.17 from Amazon »

What makes a compass military grade? WELL, WRITING THE AMAZON PRODUCT DESCRIPTION IN ALL CAPS SEEMS TO BE ONE ATTRIBUTE. Geez, I know America has the biggest and boldest and best of everything, but I don't think the self-proclaimed more...

Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Tower Garden Growing System
$599 from Tower Garden »

Soil. Lengthy growth periods. The X-axis. Tower Garden rejects you en masse. An aeroponic growing system ideal for rooftops, patios, balconies, and terraces, this food and flower producer replaces pots of temperamental soil with a 20-gallon more...

Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Undead Teds - Your Bear, Zombified
Sold Out from Etsy »

Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent. Which they more...

Sunday, January 06, 2013
Mad Scientist Absinthe Kits
$31.50 - $79.50 from Absinthes.com »

Sometimes it's fun to play mad scientist. Particularly when doing so involves hallucinogens. OK, so they removed the thujone component from absinthe, but still, 80% of any experience is perception, right? So if I think I'm trippin', more...

Sunday, January 27, 2013
Drinkmaster Hoodie
$59.99 from Zane Lamprey »

Unlike braces and Yoda, the Drinkmaster Hoodie checks in as both useful and good-looking. A sleek black fleece zip-up with a bevy of booze-specific pockets and effects, the Drinkmaster is the hardcore partier's ultimate bag of tricks. more...

Sunday, May 13, 2012
Anonymously Send Sh*t
$14.95 from ShitSenders.com »

If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even to inconsiderate, self-important, more...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012
ZDay Blades & Bludgeons
$75 - $945 from Etsy »

In the words of the great Missy Elliott's lyrical masterpiece "Ching-A-Ling", "This is serious maaannnn!" Etsy vendor ZDay Survivor's extensive collection of hand-chiseled, zombie-eradicating blades and bludgeons don't just hold front more...

Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Titanium & Jack Daniels Barrel Ring
$205 from Etsy »

I guess I've been in a serious relationship with Jack Daniels for long enough now that I'm willing to don his ring and announce it to the world. Especially a ring as slick as this one. Check out the genuine used JD white oak barrel more...

Friday, September 07, 2012
Inkless Pen
Sold Out from Amazon »

Adios, pocket protectors! Inkless pens are the way of the future. OK, probably the way of the future is the elimination of pens altogether, in favor of app-controlled telekinetic writing implementations, but in the interim, we have more...

Saturday, May 04, 2013
Cast Iron Pirate Pancake Griddle
$93 - $113 from Kickstarter »

Mmm, pirate pancakes. Booty to pad your booty. Yeah I know. That was lame. Cut me some slack, though. You don't know what I was up to last night. No. No it didn't involve Diablo III and a 24-pack of Duff Beer. more...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Unzipped Flesh Kit
$8.75 from Amazon »

One way to make others jump out of their skin is to jump out of yours. This Unzipped Flesh look requires some legwork and talent to pull off, but look at the striking levels of gruesomeness and morbidity one can achieve from the effort. more...

Thursday, April 04, 2013
Cleatskins
$13.12 - $29.95 from Amazon »

Cleated feet rejoice. Cleatskins eliminate the need to take your shoes off or get yelled at for clacking and scratching the hardwood floor every time you leave the field, track, or pedal. Also, they deliver traction that guards against more...