The World's First Smart Rifle

$22,500 - $27,500 from TrackingPoint »

Taking top honors in the category of Yo That's Crazy and Moderately Disturbing but I Guess It Was Gonna Happen Sometime: TrackingPoint's PGF. Precision. Guided. Firearm. It's fighter-jet-style, lock-and-launch technology...

Skypanel Light Diffusers

$35.95 from Amazon »

Skypanels are intended to make places such as waiting rooms and hospitals and dentists' chairs and baby nurseries less awful than they inherently are by covering harsh fluorescent lights and diffusing their searing output...

DrumPants

$99 - $199 from DrumPants »

We all tap our feet, our thighs, our chests, and the asses of the opposite sex if they are amenable to it anyway, so why not create an instrument that returns a more audible, rich, and percussive sound than that of flesh...

Anti-Sweat Armpit Stickers

Would discovering a girl is wearing anti-sweat armpit stickers in the middle of making out with her be better or worse than discovering she's wearing a heavily padded bra? I can't decide. Both would be incredibly disappointing....

Star Wars: The Blueprints

$59.99 from Amazon »

In Star Wars: The Blueprints, "the meticulously researched text gives voice to the groundbreaking and brilliant engineers, designers, and artists that have, in film after film, created the most imaginative and iconic...

Technomancer Digital Wizard Hoodie

$119.99 from ThinkGeek »

Sometimes for April Fool's Day merchants make up fake products and list them as real products that no one can actually buy and it's hilarious. And sometimes for April Fool's Day merchants make up fake products and list...

Cheese & Chocolate Curler

$49.86 from Amazon »

The Swissmar girouette says it was devised to shave and curl Tete de Moine, a fancy cheese from Switzerland that probably costs $100 pound, but you can also use it to make byooteeful ribbons of chocolate, or on any old...

Jedi Bathrobe

Sold Out from Amazon »

I bet this is the only bathrobe on Amazon--no, on the planet!--that has 121 customer reviews! 121 reviews! 159 if you count its second listing here. 159 reviews*! Of a bathrobe. I know it's a Jedi bathrobe and it has...

Zombie Hammer Survival Tools

$79.95 - $139.95 from Zombie Hammer »

"Zombie Hammer survival tools are designed to last longer than cockroaches." Longer than cockroaches! Now that's a sell. This knuckle dustered cache of apocalyptic weapons must have a collective immune system of steel!...

Wireless Rechargeable Touchpad

$35.99 from Amazon »

Here's a way to increase the functionality--oh, no, sorry, "unlock the power" of your Windows 8 PC. The Logitech rechargeable touchpad expands upon the standard built-in trackpad both dimensionally with its large, 5.9"...

Pure Copper Old West Shot Glasses

$124.99 from Jacob Bromwell »

Jacob Bromwell's set of Old West shot glasses are pure copper, handmade by up to 5 American workers, and in very limited supply. So get 'em while they're smokin' hot, and you just might have the perfect beginnings for...

Smarty Ring Smartphone Controller

$175 from Smarty Ring »

Smartphone-connected watches, smartphone-connected wristbands, it was only a matter of time before someone came up with a smartphone-connected ring. Particularly with the great fanfare surrounding the Ring Clock. Smarty...

Stealth-X Carbon Fiber Snow Sled

$2,549 from Snolo Sleds »

Carbon fiber. That stuff is pretty light, right? Hey! Cornelius! Good news! Next time we sneak onto the golf course to go sledding it's going to be WAY easier to schlep our implements back up the hill from the bottom!...

Elevation Training Mask 2.0

$79.99 from Amazon »

Trading in the original Elevation high altitude oxygen training mask for the lighter, more compact, and generally sexier 2.0 version is kind of the same as Justin Timberlake trading in Cameron Diaz for Jessica Biel:...

NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar

$14.99 from NYC Taxi Calendar »

See, ladies, why waste time exacting revenge upon your ex-boyfriend when you could be spending it pursuing one of these hot transportation professionals as your new boyfriend? The 2014 NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar...

Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit

$1,680 from Her Royal Flyness »

I am drawing this Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit to the world's attention only so that if anyone sees a woman carrying a bluish-greenish colored purse you'll know to report her immediately to a shrink, the police, and Batman....

Smartphone Controlled Paper Airplane

$30 - $75 from Power Up Toys »

We've seen electric paper airplanes. And we've seen flights of fancy controlled by smartphones. But never before in the history of mankind's existence on the universe have we seen an electric paper airplane controlled...

Killer Rabbit Slippers

$30.04 from Amazon »

Beware ye who enter the the Cave of Caerbannog without backup in the form of cozy, yet stylish, footwear. Officially licensed by Monty Python--with a snarl-and-sap of approval from the Killer Rabbit himself--these snaggletoothed...

Daily Product Updates In Your Inbox

Merry F**king Christmas Wrapping Paper

$12.35 from Calligraphuck »

Ah. It seems Mr. Garrison has forayed into the business of paper products. Merry Fucking Christmas. Come on, you know you want to sing along as you read it. Maybe tie a little Mr. Hat plush to the ribbon if you're one...

Ravioli Rolling Pin

$24.99 from Amazon »

And maybe when I'm not making ravioli I can use this rolling pin on the knots in my back and my tightly wound IT band. The beechwood ravioli rolling pin delivers a strong sense of self-satisfaction to its rollers as it...

LifeStraw Go Water Filtration Bottle

Sold Out from eartheasy »

Think Fast LifeStraw Go Promotion: In honor of their debut, LifeStraw Go water bottles will be available for 43% off their normal retail price through December 11, 2013 ($19.95 vs. $34.95). Follow the link to vendor eartheasy's...

Alcohol Shot Gun

$21.81 from Amazon »

I call shotgun! Wha--what the F Scott Fitzgerald, Cornelius?! You just sprayed me in the eye with...what is that, a...juicy fr--...no, a buttery nipple? You just squirted a buttery nipple at my face?! That's...that's...well...

Designer Star Wars Jewelry

$42 - $4,950 from Etsy »

Paul Bierker is a formally educated designer with a BFA in Jewelry Design and Graphic Design, and a BAMF in handcrafted Star Wars jewelry. Even I might wear a ladies' sapphire and diamond ring if it also looked like the...

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Tokyoflash Watches

Giveaway: Tokyoflash Watches

Enter to win your choice of any watch from Tokyoflash (up to a $199 value!) You've seen Tokyoflash's ringed LED Tron Watch, the Kisai 7, on DudeIWantThat.com. And you've seen their safety-first (with sci-fi dotted light...

Sriracha Vodka

Hello there, ma'am. Fine evening we're having, wouldn't you say? What's that in my hand you ask? Here, have a closer look....

Snow-Melting Stair Mat

$48.60 from Amazon »

What?! A snow-melting stair mat? And a baby demonstrating its use?! But the best part of accumulated Mother Nature dandruff is watching little kids wipe out trying to navigate through it! I do feel bad for old people...

Naughty Cookie Cutters

$29.49 from Firebox.com »

These are disgusting. A perversion of gingerbread men, and a perversion of the spirit of Christmas!...

Family Bug Out Bag

$969 from OuttaGEAR »

If my family were to bug out, probably the first thing we'd do is tear apart this bag of supplies in search of the Xanax and Scotch it does not contain to help calm ourselves down. Luckily, in the event that one of us...

Wipebook - Whiteboard Notebook

$14 - $28 from Wipebook »

Wipebook poses the question, "You know how creative people use whiteboards to generate cool amazing ideas?" And I ask the question, "You know how creative people with cool amazing ideas who can't draw, or even really...

Sound Activated LED Car Sticker

$12.99 from Amazon »

If you're looking for a way both to obstruct 90% of the view out of your back windshield and provide a beacon to po searching for cars to pull over, I am pleased to offer you one of AGPtek's bumpin' & grindin', sound...

3-in-1 Avocado Slicer

$9.99 from Amazon »

Who doesn't love avocados? Besides people who hate avocados? No one! And one tool all avocado lovers should have is three tools! In one! OXO's 3-in-1 avocado slicer slits, pits, slashes, and scoops fleshy green about-to-be-guacamole...

Second Skin Santa Bodysuit

Sold Out from Amazon »

If your kids are afraid of Santa the jolly bearded fat man, just dress up as Santa the faceless creeper in the second skin bodysuit and show them what real terror is. Ho, ho, ho, an ocelot ate my face! Now I spread Christmas...

Rift Recon Red Team Kit

$1,199.99 from Rift Recon »

Rift Recon terms themselves Physical Security Specialists. They explain what that is in about 500 words of fancy and circumlocutory jargon, the essence of which I'm pretty sure means they cater to high-class Shady McShadersons....

Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Celestron 5 MP LCD Digital Microscope

$129.99 from Amazon »

Whomever posted all their slide shots to the Celestron InfiniView Digital Microscope listing on Amazon sure liked looking at bugs. Check out that white one. What is that, a dust mite? That thing is sick, dude. But it...

Structure - 3D Sensor for Mobile Devices

$349 - $379 from Structure »

Occipital believes the future of computer vision is mobile. That means the company's forthcoming Structure Sensor for iPad has 3D depth--the camera attachment captures accurate, all-dimensional measurements and models...

Oreo Cookie Dipper

$4.18 from Amazon »

Talk about the gift that keeps on giving. From stocking to cookie, and from cookie to belly, my friend. The Dipr solves the age-old calamity of sandwich cookies lost to murky emulsions of fat and protein. Oreos doing...

Grizzly Bear Underwear

$32.79 from Firebox.com »

I know grizzly bears are meant to connote fortitude, ferocity, and...bigness...in a reverential way, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these grizzly bear underwear are intended only for dudes who don't want blowjobs. They could...

RazorPit Blade Sharpener

$13 from Amazon »

A Mach 3...or 9...or whatever the hell number they're on now, a pack of blades, and a RazorPit. Gifts for Dad = done. The RazorPit, which I prefer to think of as a Big Boy Bed for my razor, recruits a patented friction...

Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

Lightning Reaction Reloaded - A Shocking Game

$25.22 from Amazon »

Well I hope the Reloaded version of Lightning Reaction doesn't follow in the footsteps of The Matrix and suck. Or maybe it's being cheeky and willingly emulating the trilogy's second installment--in the sense that while...

Objects in Mirror Are Losing Decal

$1.95 - $6.99 from Amazon »

Now drive slow, honey, it's not a race. Ha! Clearly that bit of motherly wisdom is a crock, as indicated by this vehicle manufacturer-issued decal right here on my side view mirror. It is a race, Mama. And all of those...

Sky Bouncer - Bouncing Frisbee

$13.98 from Amazon »

Great. Now when I don't catch the frisbee not only is it going to hit me in the face, it's going to hit me in the face and then bounce off up to 25 feet. The Sky Bouncer flies like a disc but ricochets off walls, floors...

Puzzlebox Orbit - Brain-Controlled Helicopter

$89 from Puzzlebox »

The power of the human mind. It inspires nothing less than awe and reverence. Even the minds of idiots, which often serve either as entertainment or pleasurable, self-elevating disbelief that someone could be dumb enough...

The Can Stamp

$6.95 from Can Stamp »

Ever since the days of colonialism and the American Frontier...no...way before that. Ever since the days animals began eking out a drop more urine even when they didn't have to pee just so that they could piss on things...

Wheeled Snow Shovel

Sold Out from Amazon »

This shovel has been fitted with a gigantic wheel to make it exponentially easier to use, and it's called the Snow Wolf. So that's two things it has going for it. Also it claims that when old people whose children and...

Elf Sweater

$64.95 from Amazon »

At first I was like, This is the ugliest ugly Christmas sweater I've ever seen. It is so ugly it's not even ironic, it's just ugly. Then my (newly single!) friend Cornelius reminded me it looks like Will Ferrell as Buddy...

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Pet Jellyfish Tank

Giveaway: Pet Jellyfish Tank

Puppies and kittens for Christmas? How boring and uninspired. This year, enter to win your very own pet jellyfish gliding languorously around a desktop-sized jellyfish tank (a $366 value)!...

PS4 Retro Nintendo Skin

$29.99 from Decal Girl »

This retro Nintendo skin for the PlayStation 4 is what I'm giving to Cornelius as a Pre-Christmas and, more importantly, consolation gift since he will not be having sex with any regularity (i.e., at all) for the foreseeable...

Decimator Staff Lightsaber

Discontinued

I wish Saberforge would stop churning out new custom designs faster than I can squirrel away enough money from helping old ladies with groceries and skimming off the top of the church collection basket to buy them all....

Grow Glow Snow

$11.16 from Amazon »

Grow Glow Snow! It's not a request, it's an order, son! Get a bowl! Get some water! Watch it expand to 100 times its starting size, just like a diaper that's been pissed in*! And, if you're a real man, turn off the lights...

Sundial Ring

$25.99 from Amazon »

To use the sundial ring, hold it upright to align one of its 3 reference lines straight up. Calibrate to your time zone by using the reference line corresponding to to your latitude (i.e., northern cities use a different...

Kano - Simple DIY Computer

$129 from Kano »

Simple as LEGO, powered by Pi. The Raspberry techie kind, not the 3.14Infinity kind. Or the fruit kind for that matter, but a DIY mini computer powered by flaky-crusted dessert might be the one element to rocket launch...

Stirio - Automatic Pot Stirrer

$68 from Unikia »

Life hacking innovator Unikia adds the Stirio to its online showroom of tools that will expedite and elevate the filling of my belly. We previously saw the Compleat FoodSkin flexible lunchbox, a simple trick for keeping...

Ninja Sphere Environment Controller

$225 - $575 from NinjaBlocks »

The next generation of Ninja Blocks, a hackable tech warrior system enabling users to monitor and control their households from afar, has removed all right angles, increased its functionality, and gone balls to the wall...

Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

$8.35 from Amazon »

Both the best and the worst part about the Kama Pootra is that many of its 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop turn a visit to the crapper into a group activity. I mean, on the one hand, who couldn't use a little help pinching...

Rabbit Electric Cocktail Shaker

$16.60 from Amazon »

I imagine this Rabbit electrical cocktail shaker contains the same motor as the Rabbit electric ladies' vibrator, which must mean it is strong, powerful, and effective, yet gentle and sensitive to the needs of its user....

Air 1 Christmas Stocking

$45 from 2 AM Projects »

Swoosh! The only problem with hanging a 2 AM Project Air 1 stocking for Christmas is that it's gonna dunk on Santa's ass every. time. Over his head, under his beard, around his fat jelly belly...nothin' but net. This...

Passages - The William Shatner Watch

$399 from indiegogo »

Now, is the Passages the kind of Shatner watch that can command an Enterprise, or the kind of Shatner watch that encourages you to name the price you'll pay for it, and if there are any left in stock, it's yours? Well...

Superfight! Card Game

$35 from Amazon »

Superfight! instructs us to imagine Cards Against Humanity meets Apples to Apples. For the sake of what comes next, I would add to imagine this meeting takes place in either a dark alley, an octagon, or on opposite ends...

Life-Size Animated Talking Reindeer

$5,400 from Frontgate »

The idea of Dasher, a life-size reindeer that talks and moves, is decent, but, uh...did they have to give him the voice of Ross Matthews? MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Let's hang pink and purple stockings! At least that's...

Skull Armchair

By: Harow »

Another supervillain yahtzee! This black skull armchair was the one prop missing from my master plan to raise an army of babies and eliminate all cats and bike lanes from my township! The only downside is that it does...

Humvee 40 Million Candlepower Search Light

Sold Out from Amazon »

Good news, Clark Griswolds of the world. If you don't have 7 hours to spend staple gunning 700,000 strands of lights to your house this year, you can still xenon-bomb Julia Louis-Dreyfus and her husband out of their midnight...

Van de Graaf Generator

$139.95 from Amazon »

When I was little they used to have one of these devices that makes your hair stand on end at an amazing and delightful place called The Magic House. My mama would sometimes take me there if I could go 8 days straight...

Q-Ba-Maze Marble Run

$34.99 from Amazon »

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and people who live in marble towers should watch out because...bombs away! MindWare's Q-Ba-Maze 2.0 is an interlocking system of brightly-hued cubes that tinkerers...

The Pantera Claw

$44 from Amazon »

I don't know if the Pantera Claw looks cooler than the Wolverine-esque claw we previously showed you--I should have had the forethought to consult on this topic with the bearded grandmaster modeling the latter version--but...