BottleLight

$15 from SUCK UK »

BottleLights are USB-rechargeable LED bulbs that make glass bottles glow all moody and sensual. Basically they achieve the same It's time for sexy time effect as candles without the associated fire risks. Designed by...

Rent-a-Rebound - Post-Breakup Virtual Sweetheart

$500 from Wish.co.uk »

Happy Valentine's Day. Unless you're single and lonely. Especially unless you're single and lonely because you just got dumped. But cheer up, minced-hearted Charlies, I've got even better tidings for you. Tidings, dare...

Soft Claws for Cats - Anti-Scratching Aid

$9.99 - $15.02 from Amazon »

Listen, I approve of anything that will prevent a cat from slashing up my face just because I had the nerve to pet it after it came and laid down on my head. But I feel like some crazy cat people...well, let's call them...

Plate Dip Clips

Sold Out from Amazon »

Plate Dip Clips attach to plates and hold dip. So it won't bleed all over your food before you're ready for it, or nuzzle up to items it isn't meant to touch, or run amok on the flat plate surface and become more of a...

The Dash - Wireless Smart Earphones

$199 - $239 from Bragi »

The Dash is a set of wireless in-ear headphones. It's also a self-contained MP3 player. And a Bluetooth headset. A microphone. A USB stick. A heart rate monitor, fitness tracker, sports watch. It has the capabilities...

Aqueduck Faucet Extender

$9.99 from Amazon »

The Aqueduck. Is it a faucet extender for kids who can't quite reach the fixture, or a faucet extender for men like me who crack their teeth on the spigot each time they try to get a drink after taking a leak in the middle...

The Map of Zombies

What they lack in intelligence they make up for in contributions to the entertainment industry. Jason Thompson's Map of Zombies (complete, hi-res version here) traces and visually depicts by physical characteristics...

Underwater Torch

$4.98 from Amazon »

Oh hello Cthulhu. I almost didn't see you there before I turned on my flashlight. Well, technically LED underwater torch. TOMTOP made it 100% waterproof and effective at illuminating up to 25 meters of ocean pathway....

Barocook Flameless Cooker

$39.99 from Amazon »

What kind of mad Japanese scientist concoction is in these Baropacks that makes them boil water with no supplemental heating element? No fire, no gas, no electricity, not even the sun. Now I can make spaghetti & meatballs...

Dragon Rings

$2,249 - $4,259 from Etsy »

Holy Daenerys Mother of Dragons. If I ever propose marriage, or more likely if I ever need to bribe a girl, a ring whose gem is mounted on fire-breathing beasts of fantasy is definitely the one I'm using to do it. ArtMasters...

Firearm-Mounted Axe Heads

$110 - $120 from Melee Mods »

Since The Walking Dead started again, I've been thinking I need a new zombie-decimating weapon for use in my daydreams about stuffing them with bullets and hacking off their heads. Melee Mods' Tact-Axe and Gatchet should...

Tool Chess Set

$245 from Etsy »

Stereotypes collide in this brainy game meets brawny hardware Tool Chess set. Each piece has been handcrafted from real nuts and bolts, plus additional steel flourishes to distinguish powder coated black and white pawns...

Neurocam - Brainwave-Based Camera

According to Forbes magazine, 2014 is bringing back tight-rolled jeans headgear. Thankfully, most of it won't connect to braces or interfere with beer consumption like Joan Cusack's in Sixteen Candles, but much will look...

Breville Crispy Crust Pizza Maker

$224 from Amazon »

Breville says it will do for pizza lovers what cooking meth does for ailing chemistry teachers: bring home the dough. The Crispy Crust Stone Baked Pizza Maker aims to deliver brick oven pie quality without the bricks....

The Batman Collection

$30 - $100 from Black Milk Clothing »

Black Milk Clothing's Batman Collection has a Batsuit for every type of crime a girl could want to fight. For example, not looking hot. Or not showing enough leg. Not showing enough cleavage. Not wearing a belted Bat-Signal...

Rekindle Regenerating Candlestick

While I would prefer a wax color more masculine than pink, I--What? Pink is the color of unconditional love and nurturing? Oh. OK, Mama.--I guess my mama likes pink. Yep.... Working from home today.... Anyway, I applaud...

Star Trek Cycling Jersey

$49.95 - $79.99 from Amazon »

Wear this Star Trek-inspired jersey while cycling and you'll be tele-biking to work to save gas instead of actual biking to work and possibly getting taken out by a car to save gas. Just kidding....

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foc.us tDCS Headset for Gamers

Giveaway: foc.us tDCS Headset for Gamers

By: foc.us »

Enter to win the foc.us, a brand new transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) headset. Designed to increase brain plasticity and make synapses fire faster, foc.us aims to whittle gamers' minds into impenetrable...

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Tango Super PC

$399 - $589 from Tango »

Strong as a lion, small as a mouse. The Tango PC functions as powerfully and dynamically as a desktop at work, and then slips into your front pocket so you can head over to your friend Corenelius' house and unleash an...

Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

$59.95 from Amazon »

They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look...

Bounty Hunter Metal Detector

$92.50 from Amazon »

One Bounty Hunter metal detector packed and ready to head to Ft. Lauderdale with me next week. I plan to use the gold teeth I find to fund a down payment on the Bitcoin mining operation I'm working on setting up in Detroit....

TIHK - Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key

$12.99 - $36.99 from Amazon »

The Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key is intended for use by trained law enforcement, military, and security professionals only. However, TIHK will sell a pair of them to anyone with a credit card and $13. Because that...

Bubble Tank

$569 from GNR 8 »

The Bubble Tank is a nice piece of art I'd like to fill with rocks and small fish and sit on my shelf. In part. In another part it looks like a giant tumor, which alludes to the one probably growing inside me from all...

Iridium Go Global Hotspot

A reliable satellite connection for voice and data communications anywhere in the world. 5,000 feet in the air. 500 miles offshore. Probably even in a box en route to Abu Dhabi, though that hasn't been confirmed as definite...

Darth Vader and Son Figures

$149.99 from Gentle Giant »

Ahhh, Darth Vader and Son. The must-have storybook for all dads forced to read their sons storybooks. Jeffrey Brown's re-envisioning of the Star Wars mythos speculates on how a galaxy far, far away might have looked if...

Deep Tea Diver Tea Strainer

Sold Out from Amazon »

My friend Esteban lives on a boat and at the end of the summer every year he hires a diver to scrounge around the water at the bottom of his slip to try to recover the myriad items he and his friends drop over the side...

Mountain Horse Dirt Bike Snow Kits

$5,200 - $6,500 from Timbersled »

Timbersled does for dirt bikes what Track N Go does for trucks. Except I think Timbersled's intent is less to enable safe passage, work, and rescue operations during inclement weather than to enable sick motocross races...

Shot Straws

$19.99 from Shot Straws »

First off, let me say that I do not advocate taking shots through a Shot Straw. I advocate taking shots like a real man. However, if the memory of particularly rough night with Minnesotan twins, a ZZ Top fan club, and...

Big Lebowski Dude Rug

$800 from Etsy »

Talk about tying a room together. Etsy shop owner Allie, self-described hoarder and clearcut winner of Best Latch-Hooker on Earth*, spent over 220 hours immortalizing The Dude in dream sequence rug form. Urinate on this...

Painted Furniture

$2,499 - $3,499 from GNR 8 »

Whoa. That chick just sat in a painting. Can we do that now? How about comics? Is it going to be like Cool World soon? Tokyo-based design studio YOY developed this series of wicked optical illusions whose true nature...

Transformers: The Covenant of Primus

$59.99 from Amazon »

Star Wars gets an entire series of transforming vaults revealing the histories and dogmas of its most famous characters, so it only makes sense that a legendary hero with an equally illustrious past--plus the actual ability...

Little Book of Butts (NSFW)

$9.99 from Amazon »

We have big books of breasts...in 3D. On top of coloring books of vaginas. Smashed next to coloring books of multiple anatomical parts interlocking with other anatomical parts. To complete the nudie sandwich, I think...

Bottle Cap Bar Stools

$90.61 - $98.88 from Amazon »

When the tops come off, the fun begins! That's what they say about these bottle cap bar stools, but I don't see much about the statement that has anything to do with bottle cap bar stools. Obviously I like it as it relates...

Pelican Crushproof Backpacks

$75 - $350 from Amazon »

Defense wins games. (Right, Peyton?) Defensive driving prevents accidents. Proof of self-defense averts jail time. And a Pelican crushproof barrier defending your laptop against fat Aunt Jan tripping over a strap of the...

Squid Flame Hoodie

$39 from Topatoco »

Brandon Bird created this Squid Flame hoodie, a clever piece of gear for all the fans of fantastical sea beasts and marine biologists out there. It is unclear, though, if Bird or someone on online retailer Topatoco's...

Easybreath Snorkeling Mask

$169 - $209.99 from Amazon »

It's not a set of human gills, but at least Tribord's Easybreath snorkeling mask doesn't require technology that hasn't come forth from hypothetical existence yet to work. This will make it somewhat easier for two-legged...

Mr. Potato Head Homer

25 years of life in Springfield are honored with a potato. Plus some bulbous eyes, a scruffy muzzle, and Woo hoo! a pink-frosted donut with rainbow sprinkles. Mr. Potato Head Homer Simpson has been released as an homage...

Luminol Spray

$11 from Amazon »

This 2 oz. bottle of Luminol contains the exact formula used worldwide by Crime Scene Investigators. The way you get its blue chemiluminescence to show is simple. 1) Bleed all over something. 2) Clean it up. 3) Spray...

Teddy Bear Lamp

$132.47 from Amazon »

Here's a gift for your kid. Or your girlfriend. And maybe for an extra $10 they'll throw in Teddy's head on a stake so there will be something in this whole bear lamp thing for you. I actually had a dream about the teddy...

Verilux CleanWave Sanitizing Wand

$99.95 from Amazon »

Great. I always tell my mama that as soon as someone makes it so I can just wave a magic wand to get the job done I'll gladly help her clean the house. I never thought a magic wand that cleans the house was a legitimate...

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Ellusionist Pure Smoke Magic Bundle

Giveaway: Ellusionist Pure Smoke Magic Bundle

Enter to win a bag of magician's tricks from online masters of the game, Ellusionist! The Pure Smoke Giveaway Magic Bundle includes 1 unit of Pure Smoke, a set of Messado Rings, a Shift Self-Bending Paperclip, and a deck...

Map of the Internet

$36.95 from Zazzle »

Jay Simons: student; amateur graphic designer; Slovakian; Internet cartographer. If the Web were divided into land masses, grouped along lines of latitude and meridians and flattened into a map on your desk, what would...

Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year

$9 from Amazon »

Everybody poops 410 pounds a year. Heh. Given what I've been downing today, at least 5 of those pounds are going to show themselves to me sometime between 5:00 and 10:00 tomorrow morning. Author Deuce Flanagan reminds...

Miracle-Gro 7-Pod Indoor AeroGarden

$111.35 from Amazon »

Today we salute Denver and Seattle, our Super Bowl XLVIII competitors and title holders of Most Stoned Cities in America. It's cool though. Denver and Seattle live in the first two US states to legalize marijuana, so...

Heimlich Helper - DIY Choking Aid

$29.99 from Amazon »

Better be extra cautious devouring those 3 dozen inferno wings today. With all the accompanying excitement and beer, there is at least a 40% chance of inhaling bone, and about the same chance no one is going to notice...

Portable Car Jump Starter & Power Bank

$78.99 from Amazon »

I saw some compact devices similar to PowerAll's portable car jump starter & power bank that claim to juice up a car battery from the comfort of my driver's seat. Just plug one in to the cigarette lighter, chill for 20...

NOMIS Kid Piggybacker

$89.99 from Amazon »

In many ways, this NOMIS Piggyback Rider for kids up to 7 years old! is a total crock. If I have to walk 18 blocks from where we parked to the PAX entrance, why should whiny little punk Treyton get to hitch a ride on...

The Sledgehammer - Manual Hard Drive Crusher

Sold Out from Amazon »

Oh the satisfaction I would feel crushing ex-hard drives beneath the drill bit fist of Secured Engineered Machinery's Sledgehammer. It would be almost as gratifying as cruising by an ex-girlfriend who dumped me stranded...

The Knighted Egg Cup

$9.59 from Amazon »

Eggs. They're almost as fragile as cats and guinea pigs. Better suit them up for the battle then. The battle they're still going to lose with my stomach. Sorry little hard-boiled ovo-knights. You're just no match for...

Strong Man Mirror

$12,460 from L'ArcoBaleno »

Before you even say it, I agree. $12 grand for the M8, Ron Gilad's "little burly imp" in his IX Mirrors Series?! That's ridiculous! You could make almost the same mirror for a fraction of the cost! Like I said, I agree....

Whiskey Dick Lube

Sold Out from Amazon »

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like...

Coconut Wraps

$9.99 from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$37.41 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

Falcon Slingbows

$135 - $300.95 from Falcon Slingbows »

Rattlin' Randy Riffenburgh owns the dual titles of Falcon Slingbow Creator and Falcon Slingbow Sniper. He developed the patent-pending, arrow-shooting slingshot for hunting, fishing, and target shooting. And he reigns...

Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too

$12.54 from Amazon »

I kept searching for more at the end of the Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too book title. Some ellipses leading into a second line of ...if They Want to Die Alone on the Couch with the A-holes, Who Will Then Eat Their Owners'...

Lightsaber Combat Academy

How is it possible that the Italians--the Italians!--are the first people on Earth to create a nationwide franchise of lightsaber combat academies? If not the US I could maybe, maybe see Japan taking the lead here, but...

Handcrafted Bullet Pens

$22.50 - $30 from Etsy »

Jeff Hornung of The Walnut Log handcrafts all of his works from fine and unique woods. In the case of our featured pen series, he incorporates some fine and unique objects as well: bullets. What normally fire out of barrels...

You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

Doctor Who: Character Encyclopedia

$11.87 from Amazon »

The longest-running sci-fi TV show of all time. Doctor Who can claim that title because 1) it's a damn fine piece of cult television and 2) creators have structured the series such that when members of their primary cast...

Cookie Prints Cookie Cutters

$5.99 - $17.99 from Etsy »

To all the girls compiling notes on what kind of cookies to bake me for Valentine's Day, let me make this easy: iced sugar or gingerbread even though it's not Christmas anymore in the shape of one of the following Cookie...

Cuttlefish Bottle Opener

With one of the group's largest ratios of brain-to-body size, they say the cuttlefish is among the smartest of all invertebrates. So I guess it is well-suited to the task of cracking open my microbrews and bottles of...

The Bounty Hunter Code

$59.99 from Amazon »

Around the time legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett tumbled into the Great Pit of Carkoon, the Rebel Alliance discovered a secure, blast-proof bounty hunter's case holding Boba Fett's personal items. For years it remained...

Freakshop Belt Buckles

$45 - $190 from Etsy »

Some days I wake up and long to give people the impression that I'm a dark and bluesy heavy metal rocker with an impossibly angular jawline. So I wear my Danzig horned or Misfits shadowy skull belt buckle. Other days...

Kane Leather Harley-Davidson Jacket

$475 - $525 from Harley-Davidson »

Though it's not exactly riding weather in many parts of the US this winter, I'm guessing this Kane leather riding jacket from Harley-Davidson will still keep the men who wear it from freezing their asses off walking from...

Auto-Measure Spice Carousel

$34.30 from Amazon »

When my friend Cornelius pulls his breaded raviolis out of the deep fryer on Sunday I am going to recommend he season them with a click quarter teaspoon of oregano and a click, click half teaspoon of basil from my auto-measure...

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Year's Supply of Beef Jerky

Giveaway: Year's Supply of Beef Jerky

Enter to win an entire year's supply of California cut-and-cured beef jerky from Get Some Jerky! That's 52 bags, 5 savory flavors, and a $364 value! Holy mouthwatering, protein-packed cow!...