Tango Super PC

$399 - $589 from Tango »

Strong as a lion, small as a mouse. The Tango PC functions as powerfully and dynamically as a desktop at work, and then slips into your front pocket so you can head over to your friend Corenelius' house and unleash an...

Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

$59.95 from Amazon »

They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look...

Bounty Hunter Metal Detector

$90.33 from Amazon »

One Bounty Hunter metal detector packed and ready to head to Ft. Lauderdale with me next week. I plan to use the gold teeth I find to fund a down payment on the Bitcoin mining operation I'm working on setting up in Detroit....

TIHK - Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key

$12.99 - $36.99 from Amazon »

The Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key is intended for use by trained law enforcement, military, and security professionals only. However, TIHK will sell a pair of them to anyone with a credit card and $13. Because that...

Bubble Tank

$569 from GNR 8 »

The Bubble Tank is a nice piece of art I'd like to fill with rocks and small fish and sit on my shelf. In part. In another part it looks like a giant tumor, which alludes to the one probably growing inside me from all...

Iridium Go Global Hotspot

A reliable satellite connection for voice and data communications anywhere in the world. 5,000 feet in the air. 500 miles offshore. Probably even in a box en route to Abu Dhabi, though that hasn't been confirmed as definite...

Darth Vader and Son Figures

$149.99 from Gentle Giant »

Ahhh, Darth Vader and Son. The must-have storybook for all dads forced to read their sons storybooks. Jeffrey Brown's re-envisioning of the Star Wars mythos speculates on how a galaxy far, far away might have looked if...

Deep Tea Diver Tea Strainer

Sold Out from Amazon »

My friend Esteban lives on a boat and at the end of the summer every year he hires a diver to scrounge around the water at the bottom of his slip to try to recover the myriad items he and his friends drop over the side...

Mountain Horse Dirt Bike Snow Kits

$5,200 - $6,500 from Timbersled »

Timbersled does for dirt bikes what Track N Go does for trucks. Except I think Timbersled's intent is less to enable safe passage, work, and rescue operations during inclement weather than to enable sick motocross races...

Shot Straws

$19.99 from Shot Straws »

First off, let me say that I do not advocate taking shots through a Shot Straw. I advocate taking shots like a real man. However, if the memory of particularly rough night with Minnesotan twins, a ZZ Top fan club, and...

Big Lebowski Dude Rug

$800 from Etsy »

Talk about tying a room together. Etsy shop owner Allie, self-described hoarder and clearcut winner of Best Latch-Hooker on Earth*, spent over 220 hours immortalizing The Dude in dream sequence rug form. Urinate on this...

Painted Furniture

$2,499 - $3,499 from GNR 8 »

Whoa. That chick just sat in a painting. Can we do that now? How about comics? Is it going to be like Cool World soon? Tokyo-based design studio YOY developed this series of wicked optical illusions whose true nature...

Transformers: The Covenant of Primus

$59.99 from Amazon »

Star Wars gets an entire series of transforming vaults revealing the histories and dogmas of its most famous characters, so it only makes sense that a legendary hero with an equally illustrious past--plus the actual ability...

Little Book of Butts (NSFW)

$9.99 from Amazon »

We have big books of breasts...in 3D. On top of coloring books of vaginas. Smashed next to coloring books of multiple anatomical parts interlocking with other anatomical parts. To complete the nudie sandwich, I think...

Bottle Cap Bar Stools

$90.61 - $98.88 from Amazon »

When the tops come off, the fun begins! That's what they say about these bottle cap bar stools, but I don't see much about the statement that has anything to do with bottle cap bar stools. Obviously I like it as it relates...

Pelican Crushproof Backpacks

$75 - $350 from Amazon »

Defense wins games. (Right, Peyton?) Defensive driving prevents accidents. Proof of self-defense averts jail time. And a Pelican crushproof barrier defending your laptop against fat Aunt Jan tripping over a strap of the...

Squid Flame Hoodie

$39 from Topatoco »

Brandon Bird created this Squid Flame hoodie, a clever piece of gear for all the fans of fantastical sea beasts and marine biologists out there. It is unclear, though, if Bird or someone on online retailer Topatoco's...

Easybreath Snorkeling Mask

$169 - $209.99 from Amazon »

It's not a set of human gills, but at least Tribord's Easybreath snorkeling mask doesn't require technology that hasn't come forth from hypothetical existence yet to work. This will make it somewhat easier for two-legged...

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Mr. Potato Head Homer

25 years of life in Springfield are honored with a potato. Plus some bulbous eyes, a scruffy muzzle, and Woo hoo! a pink-frosted donut with rainbow sprinkles. Mr. Potato Head Homer Simpson has been released as an homage...

Luminol Spray

$11 from Amazon »

This 2 oz. bottle of Luminol contains the exact formula used worldwide by Crime Scene Investigators. The way you get its blue chemiluminescence to show is simple. 1) Bleed all over something. 2) Clean it up. 3) Spray...

Teddy Bear Lamp

$145.13 from Amazon »

Here's a gift for your kid. Or your girlfriend. And maybe for an extra $10 they'll throw in Teddy's head on a stake so there will be something in this whole bear lamp thing for you. I actually had a dream about the teddy...

Verilux CleanWave Sanitizing Wand

$89.95 from Amazon »

Great. I always tell my mama that as soon as someone makes it so I can just wave a magic wand to get the job done I'll gladly help her clean the house. I never thought a magic wand that cleans the house was a legitimate...

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Ellusionist Pure Smoke Magic Bundle

Giveaway: Ellusionist Pure Smoke Magic Bundle

Enter to win a bag of magician's tricks from online masters of the game, Ellusionist! The Pure Smoke Giveaway Magic Bundle includes 1 unit of Pure Smoke, a set of Messado Rings, a Shift Self-Bending Paperclip, and a deck...

Map of the Internet

$36.95 from Zazzle »

Jay Simons: student; amateur graphic designer; Slovakian; Internet cartographer. If the Web were divided into land masses, grouped along lines of latitude and meridians and flattened into a map on your desk, what would...

Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year

$8.79 from Amazon »

Everybody poops 410 pounds a year. Heh. Given what I've been downing today, at least 5 of those pounds are going to show themselves to me sometime between 5:00 and 10:00 tomorrow morning. Author Deuce Flanagan reminds...

Miracle-Gro 7-Pod Indoor AeroGarden

$141.95 from Amazon »

Today we salute Denver and Seattle, our Super Bowl XLVIII competitors and title holders of Most Stoned Cities in America. It's cool though. Denver and Seattle live in the first two US states to legalize marijuana, so...

Heimlich Helper - DIY Choking Aid

$28.99 from Amazon »

Better be extra cautious devouring those 3 dozen inferno wings today. With all the accompanying excitement and beer, there is at least a 40% chance of inhaling bone, and about the same chance no one is going to notice...

Portable Car Jump Starter & Power Bank

$81 from Amazon »

I saw some compact devices similar to PowerAll's portable car jump starter & power bank that claim to juice up a car battery from the comfort of my driver's seat. Just plug one in to the cigarette lighter, chill for 20...

NOMIS Kid Piggybacker

$94.99 from Amazon »

In many ways, this NOMIS Piggyback Rider for kids up to 7 years old! is a total crock. If I have to walk 18 blocks from where we parked to the PAX entrance, why should whiny little punk Treyton get to hitch a ride on...

The Sledgehammer - Manual Hard Drive Crusher

Sold Out from Amazon »

Oh the satisfaction I would feel crushing ex-hard drives beneath the drill bit fist of Secured Engineered Machinery's Sledgehammer. It would be almost as gratifying as cruising by an ex-girlfriend who dumped me stranded...

The Knighted Egg Cup

$9.67 from Amazon »

Eggs. They're almost as fragile as cats and guinea pigs. Better suit them up for the battle then. The battle they're still going to lose with my stomach. Sorry little hard-boiled ovo-knights. You're just no match for...

Strong Man Mirror

$12,460 from L'ArcoBaleno »

Before you even say it, I agree. $12 grand for the M8, Ron Gilad's "little burly imp" in his IX Mirrors Series?! That's ridiculous! You could make almost the same mirror for a fraction of the cost! Like I said, I agree....

Whiskey Dick Lube

Sold Out from Amazon »

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like...

Coconut Wraps

$9.99 from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$33.50 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

Falcon Slingbows

$135 - $300.95 from Falcon Slingbows »

Rattlin' Randy Riffenburgh owns the dual titles of Falcon Slingbow Creator and Falcon Slingbow Sniper. He developed the patent-pending, arrow-shooting slingshot for hunting, fishing, and target shooting. And he reigns...

Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too

$12.48 from Amazon »

I kept searching for more at the end of the Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too book title. Some ellipses leading into a second line of ...if They Want to Die Alone on the Couch with the A-holes, Who Will Then Eat Their Owners'...

Lightsaber Combat Academy

How is it possible that the Italians--the Italians!--are the first people on Earth to create a nationwide franchise of lightsaber combat academies? If not the US I could maybe, maybe see Japan taking the lead here, but...

Handcrafted Bullet Pens

$22.50 - $30 from Etsy »

Jeff Hornung of The Walnut Log handcrafts all of his works from fine and unique woods. In the case of our featured pen series, he incorporates some fine and unique objects as well: bullets. What normally fire out of barrels...

You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

Doctor Who: Character Encyclopedia

$12.37 from Amazon »

The longest-running sci-fi TV show of all time. Doctor Who can claim that title because 1) it's a damn fine piece of cult television and 2) creators have structured the series such that when members of their primary cast...

Cookie Prints Cookie Cutters

$5.99 - $17.99 from Etsy »

To all the girls compiling notes on what kind of cookies to bake me for Valentine's Day, let me make this easy: iced sugar or gingerbread even though it's not Christmas anymore in the shape of one of the following Cookie...

Cuttlefish Bottle Opener

With one of the group's largest ratios of brain-to-body size, they say the cuttlefish is among the smartest of all invertebrates. So I guess it is well-suited to the task of cracking open my microbrews and bottles of...

The Bounty Hunter Code

$59.99 from Amazon »

Around the time legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett tumbled into the Great Pit of Carkoon, the Rebel Alliance discovered a secure, blast-proof bounty hunter's case holding Boba Fett's personal items. For years it remained...

Freakshop Belt Buckles

$45 - $190 from Etsy »

Some days I wake up and long to give people the impression that I'm a dark and bluesy heavy metal rocker with an impossibly angular jawline. So I wear my Danzig horned or Misfits shadowy skull belt buckle. Other days...

Kane Leather Harley-Davidson Jacket

$475 - $525 from Harley-Davidson »

Though it's not exactly riding weather in many parts of the US this winter, I'm guessing this Kane leather riding jacket from Harley-Davidson will still keep the men who wear it from freezing their asses off walking from...

Auto-Measure Spice Carousel

$34.30 from Amazon »

When my friend Cornelius pulls his breaded raviolis out of the deep fryer on Sunday I am going to recommend he season them with a click quarter teaspoon of oregano and a click, click half teaspoon of basil from my auto-measure...

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Year's Supply of Beef Jerky

Giveaway: Year's Supply of Beef Jerky

Enter to win an entire year's supply of California cut-and-cured beef jerky from Get Some Jerky! That's 52 bags, 5 savory flavors, and a $364 value! Holy mouthwatering, protein-packed cow!...

Immersion - Gamer Rage Headset

My 13-year-old nephew has had gamer rage for, like, 5 years now. Oh man, he used to get SO MAD when the levels got harder in Super Mario Galaxy. Sometimes, if he knew he was about to die, he'd pause the game, hurl the...

Triple-Basket Deep Fryer

$59.99 from Amazon »

Double up on the fish & chips and nuggets with fries, or cook one big vat of extra crispy fried chicken with Secura's triple-basket deep fryer. The electric countertop model contains a 1700-watt immersion element said...

'Till Watch

$125 from Amazon »

Projects Watches describes its timepieces as wearable architecture. I don't think they mean literally wearable architecture like the Sleep Suit, but maybe more like how if you take a building and extract its defining...

Breathslim - Breathing Weight Loss Device

$29.94 from Amazon »

I feel like Bas Rutten made a similar, but much sexier-looking version (uh, relatively speaking) of this Breathslim weight loss contraption. His O2 trainer gets a lot of impassioned feedback here, both from advocates...

How to Archer

$9.60 from Amazon »

Did you just get turned down for yet another job at the town spy agency? Did the seamstress chortle when you brought in your new suit to be hemmed? Has it been a long...long...time since you've had sex? If you're entering...

Budnitz FTB - Snow-Faring Fat Bike

$7k from Budnitz »

It may not be the fastest or most agile bike on the market, but this fatty is hardy. Resilient. A trusty draft horse that can plow through winter weather even if it feels a little slow and lumbering along the way. Budnitz's...

Transforming Coffee Table

$1,310 from Duffy London »

If I ever happen to move out of my mama's house, I doubt it will be into anything larger than a 400-square-foot studio apartment, so this transforming coffee-to-dining table from Duffy London would be the perfect addition...

Oozy Monster Ketchup & Mustard Tops

Sold Out from Amazon »

They call them the Booger Buddies. I call them the newest additions to my Super Bowl XLVIII meat buffet. Nothing like a squirt of mustard from the nostrils of an ooga-booga-looking monster (with impeccable oral hygiene)...

Darth Vader Lightsaber Portable Charger

$49.90 from Brando »

The Jedis may have the Force, but the Dark Side has power. Tons of it. Enough to take your iPhone, Android, or Windows mobile phone from dead to fully juiced and ready for battle. One round with the Darth Vader lightsaber...

Solar Spark Lighter & Fire Starter

$6.99 from Amazon »

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how they do it. This is how they ignite the Olympic torch, match- and lighter-free. This is also how you can start lighting your campfires, cigarettes, cigars, incense cones, and in the great...

Big Bore Hunting Blowgun

$24.99 from Amazon »

This is a Cold Steel Big Bore Hunting Blowgun. It is 4' long with a 3mm barrel and target-style mouthpiece for firing .625 magnum darts. No cheap materials or shoddy assembly here either. Made of polymer, rubber, and...

TRITON - Human Gills

Diving free of cumbersome tanks and lines, and with an unlimited underwater air supply? That's like...like...making love out of nothing at all. Unfathomable! And although human gills are indeed a ways away from sporting...

Zombie Hand Ice Mold

$9.66 from Amazon »

From amidst the screams and chaos, the tension and the trash talk, the chili cheese dip and the chicken wings, a lone zombie hand breaks the surface. Rises up from the pooled blood of Mary. And what's this? Is it parading...

Wine Education Prints

$19.95 - $24.95 from Amazon »

Wine Folly has produced a series of infographic prints to assist in the casual wine drinker's oeno-education, and to give the wine savvy a sense of pride in seeing all the minutiae living inside their heads poured onto...

Big Red Button Rage Relief Device

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

It doesn't connect to an ejection seat or the trap door above a tank swarming with electric eels and Mariah Carey after a 3-day fast, but the Big Red Button rage relief device does provide considerable catharsis for the...

Buzzed

$15.96 from Amazon »

These are just the facts, dudes. Clinical reporting with complete objectivity. Nothing about how Smirnoff Whipped Cream vodka in a Shot Gun is a terrific way to break the ice with the ladies at a party. Nothing about...

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SteakStones Sizzling Steak Plate Set

Giveaway: SteakStones Sizzling Steak Plate Set

Meat lovers, sharpen your canines and whet your incisors. Here's your chance to enter to win a pair of SteakStones Sizzling Steak Plate Sets for tableside seasoning, searing, and devouring of your favorite marbled slabs...

The Supermagnet

$350 from United Nuclear »

Whoa. The Supermagnet, a 4" diameter, 2" thick neodymium disc, comes with more red alerts than a limo filled with tequila, coke, condomless hookers with herpes, and a blind chauffeur. "WARNING - VERY POWERFUL." "EXTREMELY...