The Kraken Umbrella

What I like about this Kraken umbrella is the inside, which features a giant Kraken. What I like significantly less about this Kraken umbrella is the outside, which features a mess of curlicued, doily-looking sea life...

Lightpack - Ambient Backlight for Displays

$119 from Lightpack »

Initially I thought Lightpack was meant to be some sort of aesthetic enhancement for the media screens of gamers and ravers and I was like, Whatever, if I want to see a rainbow light show from my couch, I'll just get...

Star Wars Sunshade

$10.97 from Amazon »

Would it be too much of a conflict of interest to get a Star Wars sunshade featuring the Millennium Falcon crew for my windshield if I already have Darth Vader floor mats installed? I mean, on the one hand they're going...

Coco Jack Coconut Cracking Tools

$42 - $102 from Coco Jack »

I don't always crack open coconuts, but when I do...I usually require stitches, lose the use of my left thumb for several days, and get my mouthed washed out with soap by my mama. Coco Jack, a stainless steel push-and-pry...

Nightstand Dog House

$499.95 - $599.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This nightstand with a built-in dog house looks swell until you see it with the dog closed inside. Then it looks like a solitary confinement chamber used for enemy spies. And even if your dog chews and pees on things...

Your Stick Figure Family Was Delicious Decal

$2.95 from Amazon »

The problem with free speech is that it makes everyone think it's OK for them to say something. For our forefathers, free speech meant frank debates and sweeping public addresses. Today it means Facebook tirades, anonymous...

Harley Quinn Hoodie

$99.99 from Etsy »

Gee boss, you really know how to put the fun in funeral. DC Universe supervillain Harley Quinn serves as the inspiration for another Geeky U reimagination of the hoodie. (Previous take: Link from The Legend of Zelda.)...

Kangoo Jumps Anti-Gravity Fitness Boots

$179 - $299 from Amazon »

Originally developed by a doctor for rehab patients with knee, hip, and back injuries, Kangoo Jump anti-gravity boots provide former runners with an option for continuing their cardiovascular torture of choice nearly...

Horse Head Squirrel Feeder

$11.81 from Amazon »

We've seen dudes with horse head masks and we've seen squirrels with big head feeders, so to complete the triangle of masks and garden critter nourishment, Archie McPhee obviously had to create a Horse Head Squirrel Feeder....

Buzzy Pain Blocker

$41.99 from Amazon »

Buzzy helps relieve the pain of shots, lab draws, bee stings, burns, burning medicines, Band-Aid rip-offs, and tattoos. Tattoos? Really? I mean, I can get behind a vibrating ice pack fashioned in the likeness of a bumblebee...

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Hacker Stickers Covert Ops Bundle

Giveaway: Hacker Stickers Covert Ops Bundle

Become a master of stealth and intrigue...or just drive your co-workers nuts and gain illicit access to the rooftop of your office building. Enter to win a bundle of budding spy and covert ops gear from Hacker Stickers...

Snore Activated Nudging Pillow

$149.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This pillow saves the person sleeping next to you the trouble of "inadvertently" delivering an elbow to the ribs when you're snoring louder than a wounded bull. How? First it detects these disturbances of the peace with...

Airsoft Grenade Launcher

Sold Out from Amazon »

Maybe you'd rather your 6-pack attack come from the real one--the M-32 multiple grenade launcher Mach Machowicz once demoed on Future Weapons--but you'll probably get yourself into a lot less trouble with the po and your...

Aim - Body Composition & Muscle Analyzer

$149 - $199.99 from Skulpt »
What is the Skulpt Aim?

The Skulpt Aim analyzes body composition. Unlike a typical stand-up body fat scale, or even the more accurate method of submerging yourself in a tub of water for body fat testing, Aim measures...

Blend and Cook Soup Maker

$100 from Amazon »

The Dump & Punch. That's a better name than Blend and Cook for Cuisinart's soup-making blender. Because if their literature is to be trusted, all I'd need do to enjoy a vat of steaming cream of tomato is dump in some...

Lightsaber BBQ Tongs

$33.50 from The Fowndry »

The battle is in full-swing. It's Humans vs. Winter. The prize: Grilling Season. What weapon will you use to fight your way past the blustery cold and through the trenches piled with snow? I choose lightsaber. Because...

GORUCK Gym Bags

$75 - $95 from GORUCK »

GORUCK makes this pair of military-grade gym bags from 1000 D ballistic or double-layered CORDURA. As far as I can tell, that means they're burly and water resistant, but will probably grow to smell like a combination...

Street-Legal Tumbler Batmobile

Discontinued

For a million bucks you'd think they could've gotten a couple shots of this replica Batman Tumbler somewhere nicer than a slab of cracked pavement with weeds growing up through it. And what are those in the background...

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Mermaid Glass

$9.94 from Amazon »

I remember the first time I saw Daryl Hannah walking naked around the Statue of Liberty in Splash. I thought I would have an erection for the rest of my life. But then later in the movie, when she's mermaided out in the...

Classic Arcade Wristwatch

$49.99 from ThinkGeek »

Did you ever know a kid growing up who had, like, full-size Pac-Man and Mortal Kombat arcade games in his basement? You know, the "rich kid"? Boys would go over en masse for tournaments after school and his mom would...

Indoor Pressure Smoker

$240.97 from Amazon »

Emson Electric's indoor pressure smoker sears, cooks, and cold smokes up to 4 pounds of food at a time. Rrraawwrr! Dinner for 1 is served! In up to 70% less time than it would be if infused with the savory breath of a...

TARDIS Ring

$1,075 - $3,850 from Etsy »

This is a man's ring. And by "man" I mean...I have no idea what I mean. I've got respect for the Doctor and his ride and all, but a TARDIS ring the size of the average male's left nut even before you go inside? I think...

Doppelganger Humanoid Fleece

Leave it to Japan Trend Shop to extol the virtues of these Humanoid Fleeces--a "secret" second run of the onesies that sold out during their initial release, your ticket to looking like a superhero in a cult sci-fi movie--while...

Handle-Mount Grill Light

$49.99 from Amazon »

Seeing this handle-mount grill light reminds how much it blows when I leave the bar plastered at 2:30 a.m. and can't get a brat with sauerkraut and cream cheese from the hot dog vendor because he's out or has refused...

Mini Museum - Portable Curiosities Collection

$99 - $239 from mini museum »

It's not an oompa loompa, but a portable plaque of specimens ranging from a thread of circa 350 BC Egyptian mummy wrap to a sliver of T-Rex tooth is still rad enough for me to whine, "Mama! I want a Mini Museum! I want...

Meat Seasoning Sticks

$14.99 from Amazon »

As all ladies who prefer older men know, nothing compares to well-seasoned meat. Particularly meat that has been infused with flavor from the inside. While rubs and marinades can slough off or lose their potency during...

Armatix Smart System for Firearms

Looks like James Bond and Data from The Goonies are finally making good on that collaboration they've been talking about. What we have here is a smartwatch-controlled pistol. A gun that will fire only if it is within...

FlyNano Single-Seat Seaplane

$48k from FlyNano »

Wetsuit recommended, pilot's license optional*. FlyNano Proto, an electric, single-seat amalgam of a seabird and a seaplane, took its maiden voyages in Summer 2012. Now the Finnish company is working to develop its first...

code:deck Playing Cards

$10 from Varianto:25 »

Who wants some undiluted geekery? code:deck is a standard set of playing cards individually described by rank and suit in one of 13 different programming languages. As maker Varianto:25 points out, the cards should arouse...

GoPro Compatible Scuba Mask

$79.99 from Amazon »

I don't see anything octo about the design and configuration of this Octomask with a built-in GoPro camera mount. Except maybe that 8 seconds is the amount of time I spent looking at it for clues before I got bored and...

HotLogic Lunchbox Oven

$29.95 from Amazon »

Previously we saw the Papilla, a USB-heated lunchbox for leftover and homemade dish reheating computer-side. It's pretty cool, but still lives only in concept so you can't buy one. However, if you're willing to swap USB...

Trigger Glow-in-the-Dark Knife Kit

$9.25 from Klecker Knives »

Klecker Knives gets the kids wielding folding lock-backs young. Their Trigger knife kit, edition glow-in-the dark, aspires to teach children ages 7 and up how to build their own pocket blade model. Now at first I wondered...

Magnetic Spot Scrubber

$9.96 from Amazon »

I don't know. Usually if I can't clean something because it's too narrow...or otherwise difficult to de-soil in any way whatsoever...I just throw it away and get a new one. Yeah right, you say? Well...yeah, you are right....

Lotus C-01 Motorcycle

By: Lotus »

The C-01 superbike: guts by Lotus, skin by Holzer, body by Tron. Lotus' new lightweight motorcycle represents a collaboration of people who know what the hell they're doing. The British auto company's limited edition...

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Super Mario Magic Billet Boxes

Giveaway: Super Mario Magic Billet Boxes

Stash your stash and stupefy untrained fingers Super Mario-style! Enter to win a set of Magic Billet Boxes fashioned after the legendary Nintendo bricks and ? blocks (a $240 value)!...

Fixed - App to Fight Parking Tickets

By: Fixed »

Those of you who follow the detailed accounts I provide of my illustrious life now know that I have racked up many hundreds of dollars in unpaid parking tickets. So many hundreds that you could technically upgrade the...

Victorian Star Wars Portraits

$499 from Kult »

The Star Wars boys give a pretty decent representation of Victorian times, huh? Jabba the Hutt almost looks dapper. Or at least less like the massive wart my friend Cornelius grew on the inside of his arm when he went...

Beer Koozie Shorts

$36.95 from BeerShorts »

Cold beers, cold thighs, elastic waist to accommodate the intake of fried things with your Buds and Coors, what more could you ask for in a pair of shorts? Beershorts' pair of built-in koozies not only eliminate the tedious...

Lock Pick Earrings

$34.99 from Etsy »

I don't know if I'd be more turned on by or afraid of a girl wearing lock pick earrings. I mean, if she knows how to use them, that's hot. But if she knows how to use them...uh...I mean I have like $1,200 in unpaid parking...

One-Egg Fry Pan

$8.99 from Amazon »

It would be better if it were in the shape of the toast I'm going to pile it on, and I also doubt my ability to flip an egg within such tight confines without losing part of it to my burner, but I still appreciate the...

Up - The Don't Slouch T-Shirt

$175 from Up Couture »

Up T-shirts award "dream posture" to both men and women with an integrated, flexible, extra-thin film woven into their fabrics at trigger points (shoulders, upper back) shown to encourage long spines, open chests, and...

Canned Dragon Meat

$13.16 from Amazon »

Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds...

DropLED Pro Indestructible Bulb

$99.95 from DropLED »

To confirm the accuracy of its name, someone subjected the DropLED Pro Harsh Duty Bulb to a few tests. 300 direct hits to a cinder block. Crushing under a forklift. Placing against the interior side of Drax the Destroyer's...

Gulpo - Car-Decal-Eating Decal

$12 from SMBC »

My Darwin fish eats your Jesus fish damns the pot-smoking jam band Phish fish. Orrr...my TRUTH ichthys consumes your Darwin decal. Presumably with love. And with Star Trek and Cthulhu fish as spectators. The Flying Spaghetti...

Emergency Underpants Dispenser

$7.48 from Amazon »

I don't need to tell you that an Emergency Underpants Dispenser is more than just a novelty gift. You know how many times you've laughed so hard you peed your pants. How often you've unexpectedly encountered a large barking...

Jade Monk Turbo Green Tea

Sold Out from Amazon »

Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for...

Blaze Laserlight for Cyclists

$200 from Blaze »

Look cyclists, it's a little green you. A constant companion on the road who will never fall behind or drop you, and who will do everything he can to save you from getting rammed, flipped, T-boned, or sideswiped by a...

Portable Solar Oven

$119.99 from Amazon »

I've been looking for an oven I can carry around like a ladies' purse. And this one looks like the contraption my grandma used to use to get a suntan, so it even has some nostalgia built into it. Sunflair's portable solar...

The Privacy Pillow

$29.95 from Amazon »

Sure the Privacy Pillow can store your cash, jewelry, passports, and mint condition first edition Star Wars action figures. Orrrr it can store other types of valuables. Types of which you may find yourself in sudden and...

Echo1 M134 Airsoft Machine Gun

$3,899.99 from Airsplat »

390 FPS, 21-1/2" long barrel, 13-1/2" short barrel, 1,700-round magazine capacity...I don't think I'd even shoot my friend Cornelius in the ass with one of these things to try to get on Tosh.0. The Echo1 M134 MiniGun...

FIN - Numeric Keypad & Gesture Interface Ring

$99 - $169 from Fin »

FIN is a thumb ring. It's way less intimidating than a pinky ring, but if intimidation isn't your primary motive, FIN can do several hi-tech, gadgety things, some of which you may find even more useful than making the...

Couchmaid Table Top

$49.99 from Amazon »

The only thing that could improve the experience of sinking my ass into a couch would be being able to set my sodie and plate of waffle fries down right next to me. Like, immediately adjacent to my sunken ass. This would...

Bathroom Mirror Defogger

$59.99 from Amazon »

Fogged mirrors! I can't groom my facial hair or Dep Gel my head for, like, 8-1/2 minutes after emerging from the shower unless I stand there like an a-hole blowing my mama's hairdryer on it. Towels: do not work. Squeegees:...

Dog Powered Scooter

$250 - $900 from Dog Powered Scooter »

Oh good, dog sledding is now available for suburbia in July. It's a Dog. Powered. Scooter. For canine exercise? Sure. To enhance mobility of the elderly? Sounds good. So that I can be the one guy in town who travels by...

Movies R Fun: Iconic Scenes as Children's Art

$9.02 from Amazon »

Josh Cooley's book Movies R Fun: A Collection of Cinematic Classics for the Pre-(Film) School Cinephile takes iconic and cult (mostly) R-rated movie scenes as inspiration for artwork styled after children's storybooks....

USS Enterprise Ring

$595 - $3,890 from Etsy »

A USS Enterprise engagement ring is what happens when true love collides with the reluctant decision to propose to some chick. As a male with a basic appreciation for the Star Trek TV series and movies, plus a deep respect...

Geek Wisdom

$12.55 from Amazon »

Stereotypically, they're awkward. Unathletic. Unpopular. Nasally. Know-it-alls who got no game. In reality, they run the world. And maybe a lot of the 21st century's geeks still do possess some of the qualities of those...

Tonguespank Spices

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be...

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Solid Gray Hardshell Backpack

Giveaway: Solid Gray Hardshell Backpack

Become a futuristic Ninja Turtle and protect your precious gear! Enter to win a foam-lined hardshell backpack from Solid Gray (a $190 value)!...

Waterwolf MXP 3 - Waveless Surfboard

$8,050 - $10,350 from Waterwolf »

Surfing without the waves. Stand up paddle boarding without the work. Water skiing without the boat. Waterwolf's MXP 3 is an electric surfboard designed to torch through the lazy waters of lakes, bays, bayous, deltas...

Handmaster Hand Exerciser

$15.95 from Amazon »

It's not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a Handmaster, but I dig what this banded ball brand of Handmaster has to offer too. Strengthening both the gripping and the expanding muscles of the fingers...

Pool Bedsheets

$80 from Snurk »

Not much of a lake snoozer? How about sleeping in a swimming pool? Snurk's pool bedsheets add a second option to spending the night enveloped in a large body of water without drowning. Fun! Trippy! Still horrendously...

Robocup

$21.79 from Firebox.com »

Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Robocop might drag you kicking and screaming out of bed in the morning like a big douchebag, but Robocup plays the good cop. He combats your fatigue and eases you into the harsh day...

Raunchy Wrapping Paper (NSFW)

$6.19 - $7.69 from Amazon »

Raunchy Wrap R-rated wrapping paper reminds me of something my lyrical hero Ludacris once said during his guest vocals on Usher's smash hit dance track "Yeah": "I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed." This...

USU Parking Spot Storage Unit

$1,999 - $2,198 from USU »

The Urban Storage Unit, or USU (pronounced "oooh-sue"), provides up to 1,000 pounds worth of additional storage for people with assigned parking spots in apartment and condominium complexes. Uh, high-end apartment and...

Black Playing Cards

$12.95 from Amazon »

Black like my ex's heart, and black like the magic I'm going to use to make her rue the day she left me crushed and dejected inside a four square. Anyone who wants to know what's wrong with me, here's your answer: 1)...