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Empathy Cards

By: on November 11, 2015
$4.50
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How strange that so many awkward situations in life require a greeting card. Emily McDowell Studio capitalized on the supreme example of this reality with a Valentine's Day card they created for the person you're, like, only sort of dating, or have only been dating long enough that you guess you probably can't let V-Day go by without even mentioning it, but you're not really at a roses and love poems and hi-tech sex toys point, and a schmoopy card is definitely out, so your choices are pretty limited. Except for this.

Having conquered Awkward Valentine's Day, Emily McDowell Studio then ventured into another squirmy territory for greeting cards: empathy. Your buddy lost his job. Your sister had a bad breakup. Your best friend's grandma died. Your co-worker, geez, found out he has cancer. What do you say? What do you write? How about:

  • "Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason."
  • "I'm so sorry you're sick. I want you to know that I will never try to sell you on some random treatment I read about on the Internet."
  • "I know #FUCKCANCER doesn't help you get through it. I'm here any time you need me."
  • "When life gives you lemons, I won't tell you a story about my cousin's friend who died of lemons."
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Wearable Chairless Chair

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Welp, at least with the wearable Chairless Chair you'll never have to worry about someone stealing your seat. Or forgetting to save you one. Or expecting you to stand for the entirety of their lecture about your inability...

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The Purple Bed

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I hope this Purple Bed isn't a People Eater disguised as a mattress. Because it sounds too good to be true. Both soft and firm in all the right spots. Temperature neutral, so it won't absorb heat and make you cold, or...

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Toe Separator Socks for Alignment & Relief

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Ka-Bar Snody Crisis Card

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The Snody Crisis Card is punched and jagged for a strong grip and maximal impact when you need to defend yourself. And it's finished in a rich anodized blue with gold edge accents for a slick look and flash of intimidation...

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Go F Yourself Condom Card

$9.99 - $12.99 from FunnyCondoms.com »

I can think of many people to whom I'd like to send a Go F Yourself card (complete with packaged condom for carrying out the act!) but one dude stands out like a glowing beacon bobbing amidst the sea of the rest. How...

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Diseases Caused by Masturbation

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On the one hand, Diseases Caused by Masturbation is a translation of Dr. Samuel-Auguste Tissot's book originally written in French. So maybe the translator messed up and it's really called Diseases Caused by Exposure...

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CinvStop Nausea Zapper

Now the CinvStop is a wearable I might actually wear. Because while I don't give a 5K about how many steps I've walked or the number or calories I burned playing Sir Match-a-Lot on my phone, I care very much about being...

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Go F*ck! - Go Fish for Adults (NSFW)

$7.70 from Amazon »

I never was much of a Go Fisher. Unlike War, it just had too many rules to keep track of so I always lost. The same will probably happen with Go F*ck, the "adult" version of the kiddie card game, but I get the sense that...

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Punderdome: A Card Game for Pun Lovers

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All puns, all night long at your next bro night? No, dudes, I'm not playing games with your heart. I'm playing games with this deck of Punderdome cards. Interested, ye linguistic manipulators? Ye nimble thinkers? Ye word...

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Celliant Sleep Boomerang Memory Foam Pillow

$99.99 from Amazon »

One time I threw a boomerang and it came back and sliced me in the neck. So I'm glad to see this Boomerang Memory Foam Pillow is here to cradle and support and eliminate pain from my neck, and maybe make some amends for...

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Superfight! Card Game

$29.99 from Amazon »

Superfight! instructs us to imagine Cards Against Humanity meets Apples to Apples. For the sake of what comes next, I would add to imagine this meeting takes place in either a dark alley, an octagon, or on opposite ends...

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Disturbed Friends - The Worst Game Ever Made

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Consumer drones? Wearables? Self-driving cars (and -walking shoes)? Nah. I think politically incorrect card-based games that at some point make every person playing them feel extremely uncomfortable or self-conscious...