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11-Foot Teddy Bear

By: on October 27, 2016
$464.99
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If you plan to buy an 11-Foot Teddy Bear as a gift for your kid, or gift for your girlfriend this season, I hope you have an 11-Foot closet...or off-site storage facility to hide him in until the big day. Better lock the stuffed giant up too, because judging by the photo this Teddy is the Papa Bear sort who's going to try to bust out and hunt down kids and girlfriends to console and give advice to.

There, there, Kimiko, turn that frown upside down. This fella isn't worth your tears and heartache. And I hate to pull out the tough love card, but if he's giving you an 11' Teddy Bear instead of an engagement ring, he's not worth any more of your time either.

Hey! Screw you, Teddy! If I wanted a bear to trash me, I'd have gotten a Talking Ted!

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

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Anatomical Gummi Bears

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...

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Feisty Pets

$19.99 - $29.99 from Amazon »

These Feisty Pets are the perfect way to teach your kids about the true nature of animals. All cuddly puppy and squishy bear and magical unicorn at first sight, but get too close and...Rrrrrawwwrrr! Back the F off, son...

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Griz Coat

$249 - $299 from Griz Coat »

I just named a bear one of my Top 10 choices for animal reincarnation, and now, as if in answer to my plea to the forces of nature, the Griz Coat is back. In time for winter. In time for the holidays. In time for looking...

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Animal Hoodies

$9.82 - $23.95 from Amazon »

Ladies, if Griz Coats are too big, too masculine, or too covering of the neck down for you (read: for me), how about one of these minxy little animal hoodies? Most of them even extend along the shoulders into a cozy pair...

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Timber Rattler Scarab Back Giant Pocket Knife

$25 from Amazon »

Are you happy to see me, or is that just a Timber Rattler Scarab Back in your pocket? This monster of a lockback knife has an 8" stainless steel blade that folds into a grey pakkawood scaled handle. It's my #1 choice...

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Undead Teds - Your Bear, Zombified

$110 - $140 from Undead Teds »

Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent....

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Big Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

$275 from Etsy »

Although this grizzly bear won't tote you around on his back and serve as your mystical forest companion, chances are he also won't eat you when you plop down on or dive bomb him while he slumbers. Because this is a Big...

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My Neighbor Totoro Sleeping Bag Sofa Bed

$230.50 from Amazon »

Totoro. My neighbor. My friend. My giant pillow of a bed. I think this version of the rotund-bellied wood spirit might even be to scale with the original anime Totoro. And even if your kids have no idea what My Neighbor...

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Anti-Bear-Attack Pack

$149.99 from UDAP »

Obviously the best thing to do when a grizzly is attacking you is punch it in the face or, if you're a lady, kick it in its twig & bear-ies. But if for some reason when the moment comes you can't remember how to make...

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Blobfish Plush

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Snuggle up with God's ugliest creature. It's true. The blobfish wins all the Most Horrific Beast on the Planet contests, and as I've previously mentioned here, I think it might be my curse to be reincarnated as one. Legend...