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Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak

By: on December 04, 2017
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Dude. Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak will make your whole body smell like your fingers do after you eat a French Dip. Talk about a gift for a man sent straight from the Baby Jesus. Well, either the Baby Jesus or Jimmy John's.

Really (and sadly) Roast Beef Sandwich Bath Soak is so in name only. Like Prank Pack gift boxes, the outside of the bath soak bag is a ruse. A piece of trickery meant, first, to weird out the gift's recipient, and then to make them yuk, yuk, yuk, and want to regift it for more jollies to someone else.

Behind the Roast Beef Sandwich claim lies 23 ounces of therapeutic Mediterranean sea salts that actually smell like brown sugar and fig. They are brown like roast beef though, so when you dump them in the bath you can still visualize yourself swimming in a tub of au jus.

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The Horizontal Shower

In paradise, you take a Horizontal Shower. You lie on a smooth, warm slab of tile as 6 falls of water cascade like mermaid kisses onto your tired and thirsty skin. You choose their intensity and temperature, their pattern...

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Grilled Cheese Toaster

$54.99 from Amazon »

But...but...where does all the drippy cheese from a grilled cheese made vertically in a grilled cheese toaster go? I love this as a lazy man's means of making a hot sandwich, but if it leads to pools of burnt cheddar...

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Stone Forest Natural Bathtub

Stone Forest calls their bathtub "Natural" for its raw design, a rugged just-rolled-down-the-mountain aesthetic, rather than the precision-cut and polished-to-cold-industrial-modernity one we might expect from this type...

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My Shiney Hiney Brush Set

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Well. I wouldn't argue it isn't dirty. I'm just not sure I care enough to go to the lengths required to make my hiney shiney. I think this cleansing brush set for the bunghole is geared towards women anyway, judging by...

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AquaDance Drencher Showerhead

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No, I am not showing you the AquaDance Drencher 3-setting 8" curved rainfall showerhead with waterfall mode just because it looks like a vagina....

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Chucky Bath Bomb

I know this Chucky Bath Bomb looks spherical, but take caution while using it. I can almost guarantee you there are some pointy edges hiding in there somewhere....

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Tetris Sandwich Cutter

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What can I say about the Tetris sandwich cutter except that it cuts sandwiches into shapes based on the all-time best of all games of all time? UNO can barely crawl out of its little paper carton in the presence of Tetris...

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Breakfast Sandwich Maestro

$22.74 from Amazon »

5 minutes to a breakfast sandwich. No drive-thru on earth can beat that...mainly because of the whole leaving the house and driving to the drive-thru portion of the equation. Otherwise I guess most of them could. If there...

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The Charted Sandwich Board

$29 - $115 from PopChartLab.com »

If she's gonna go make you a sammich, you should probably: A) know exactly what kind of sammich you require to avoid receiving, like, hummus & sprouts on gluten-free millet bread; and B) be fully aware of the sammich's...

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Lay-Z-Spa Miami 4-Person Inflatable Hot Tub

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It's winter, it's dark, football's almost over, I think it's time for a hot tub. To soak away my sorrows and boredom. And maybe deliver a little muscle therapy to that bit of my back I tweaked trying to grab my razor...

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Dry Shower Powder

You can give your dog a bath without getting him wet. Why can't you do the same for yourself? (Without dousing yourself in patchouli, hippies.) While not a substitution for bathing altogether, Dry Shower Powder does provide...

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PornBurger: Hot Buns and Juicy Beefcakes

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A picture of a Porn Burger is worth a thousand drools. Maybe even a lick. A bite. At the very least a boner. In Porn Burger: Hot Buns and Juicy Beefcakes, self-described "burger pervert" Matthew Ramsey indulges us with...