Pets

Dog Pool Float & Lounger

$69.50 - $129.50 from Frontgate »

Now that I've given you the rundown of your own best bets for summer water toys, I figured I'd throw a bone to Fido over there so he won't feel left out. But first I need a few minutes to find the tequila and toast myself...

Odin Modular Puzzle Dog Toy

We have geometric rubber dog toys and we have dog toys that dole out treats to clever pooches who solve their puzzle. What Up Dog Toys feels we've been missing are dog toys that sport a modern design. You know, that won't...

Indiana Jones Cat Bridge

$150 - $240 from Catastrophic Creations »

This listing is for an Indiana Jones Cat Bridge, but it appears that in order to make it a viable lounging place for your own cat, you will also have to construct an entire Temple of the Chachapoyan Warriors to assist...

Chain Chomp Cat Bed

According to Catastrophic Creations, this Chain Chomp Cat Bed "took and incredibly long amount of time to make." Good thing cats are so appreciative of their owners' gifts and love, and reciprocate in kind by never missing...

Coyote Face Pet Harness

Discontinued

I don't know whether that cat looks more pissed that someone put a harness on him or that the face of the coyote he just gutted and ate from the inside out when it tried to swallow him whole is still stuck to it...

Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer

$39.99 - $44.99 from Amazon »

Nine-year-old Marissa Streng came up with the Puff-N-Fluff bag. To dry her pug, Mojo, after a bath, after a swim, after coming in from the rain, after any time she preferred not gagging and retching to inhaling the ripe...

Pet Defender Stun Sticks

Arc Angel Industries' Pet Defenders are canes and walking sticks that double as inconspicuous stun guns. So that when you're out plastic baggying little Coco's numero dos to impress his (incredibly hot female that you...

Catnip Joints

$10 - $19.50 from Stark Raving Cat »

Legal in all 50 states! Though I'm pretty sure Catnip Joints are the inverse of marijuana joints. In the sense that all the cats I've ever seen lie around and sleep all day, pausing only to look at you with complete disinterest...

Schnuzzle - Scent-Based Dog Toys

$27 from Schnuzzle »

Schnuzzle promises to be your best friend's new best friend. Why? Because it smells like bacon! And then it smells like BBQ beef! And then, suddenly, roast chicken! Nubby spherical and cylindrical dog toys with interchangeable...

Shark Fin Dog Life Jacket

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

This shark won't take a bite out of your leg, but get too close and he'll probably lick and hump it. How clever. A shark life preserver for your pooch. He might hate wearing it, but the full-body flotation vest will keep...

Cat Drinking Fountain

Discontinued

As a frame of reference, I looked up how much it would cost to purchase a normal drinking fountain. Like, for a human. Under $400 from Amazon. So why would you spend $1,250 for a custom-made miniature wood drinking fountain...

Patriotic Duck Diaper

Discontinued

Did you know that poultry cannot be potty trained? Of course you did. It's why your pet duck Precious keeps peeing on your couch and quacking out poos on every rug in the house. Not to mention that, despite every movie...

PetSafe SmartDoor

$84.31 - $130.92 from Amazon »

The PetSafe SmartDoor at least partially solves both the #1 problem with owning a dog, and the #1 problem with owning a dog door: having to take care of it; and home security. Available in 2 sizes, the dog door installs...

CleverPet Dog Gaming Console

$249 from CleverPet »

According to CleverPet, one reason dogs strew the stuffing from your couch cushions across the house and eat entire ficus plants is that they're bored. Another reason is that they're a-holes. CleverPet says it can address...

Litter Kwitter

$42.48 from Amazon »

Yes, the Litter Kwitter is a real thing. Vendor Firebox, known for their elaborate April Fool's pranks, repeatedly assures us that this seeming 20-pound chocolate Lionel Richie head of cat supplies is not a joke. So now...

Electric Flea Zapper for Pets

$34.95 from Amazon »

This flea zapper for dogs and cats is made by Epilady. I'm pretty sure that's the same company that made a device my grandma used to use to rip the hair out of her legs by the root. I know this only because during visits...

Cool Down Doggie Misting Leash

$28.95 from Amazon »

Why are we assisting dogs with a task they are supposed to be genetically predisposed to handling themselves? Aren't their fur coats designed by Mother Nature to insulate them both with and against heat? Isn't panting...

Nightstand Dog House

$499.95 - $599.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This nightstand with a built-in dog house looks swell until you see it with the dog closed inside. Then it looks like a solitary confinement chamber used for enemy spies. And even if your dog chews and pees on things...

Dog Powered Scooter

$250 - $900 from Dog Powered Scooter »

Oh good, dog sledding is now available for suburbia in July. It's a Dog. Powered. Scooter. For canine exercise? Sure. To enhance mobility of the elderly? Sounds good. So that I can be the one guy in town who travels by...

Soft Claws for Cats - Anti-Scratching Aid

$9.99 - $15.02 from Amazon »

Listen, I approve of anything that will prevent a cat from slashing up my face just because I had the nerve to pet it after it came and laid down on my head. But I feel like some crazy cat people...well, let's call them...

Bubble Tank

$569 from GNR 8 »

The Bubble Tank is a nice piece of art I'd like to fill with rocks and small fish and sit on my shelf. In part. In another part it looks like a giant tumor, which alludes to the one probably growing inside me from all...

Cat Battle Armor

$500 - $520 from Etsy »

Quick, someone get this cat a lance! He's scheduled to joust one of the guinea pigs from G-Force at high noon and only just finished his battle armor fitting. I don't know if he's ready for this. The pigs have been training...

No More Woof - Dog to Human Translator

$65 - $400 from No More Woof »

From the Nordic Society of Invention and Discovery--yes, that's a real society, not one made up by Wes Anderson--comes No More Woof, a device that lifts up the latest technology in micro computing and EEG, and plops it...

PetChatz - Pet Communication System

$349 from Pet Chatz »

The simulation of being at home when you're not at home. It's the new black. And from smartphone-controlled security systems to interactive pet communication systems like the Petcube and, now, PetChatz, the application...