Star Wars TIE Fighter Nutcracker
TIE Fighters may be fragile, but they're strong enough to crush your nuts. Rebel pecans, Jedi almonds, your only escape now is through my GI tract!
The Star Wars TIE Fighter nutcracker is made of solid steel capable of hacking open every alliance of nuts on the planet, except those like my own that are also made of solid steel. To use, insert the desired nut into the Fighter's central chamber and then twist its wing to drive a threaded bolt through the doomed exterior. Mmmm, hazelnuts. They're like crunchy Nutella.
Granted, using a TIE Fighter nutcracker to access the flesh of your favorite fatty proteins may not be as cool as cracking them using the Force, but at least the TIE Fighter, like...actually works.
Trivia: Has anyone ever tried to buy cashews in their shells for Nutcracking Night? If you were successful, you're probably dead or have a third arm or something by now. Cashews aren't sold this way because the tree nuts' protective housing is toxic. They're covered in urushiol, an oil that can cause a nasty, painful rash (OK, not death or superfluous limb growth).