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Robocup

By: on February 15, 2014
$21.79
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Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Robocop might drag you kicking and screaming out of bed in the morning like a big douchebag, but Robocup plays the good cop. He combats your fatigue and eases you into the harsh day ahead with a jolt of caffeine delivered straight from his cyborg brain. Robocup has 3 directives. 1) Serve the public hot beverages. 2) But not too hot. Protect the innocent tongues and hard palates. 3) Uphold the surface tension. No one likes coffee stains on their shirt.

A secret fourth directive may reveal itself through regular Robocup use.

Also be prepared to deal with Robocup's emotions and flashbacks if shades of his former life as a sippy cup in a Detroit preschool begin breaking through. Not many people know this, but he was only a candidate for the Robocup program because a tubby 4-year-old threw him against a wall and stomped him beyond recognition during a temper tantrum last July.

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Flowering Penis Coffee Mug

$15.99 from Amazon »

For all the ladies (and fellas!) who count floral patterns and penises amongst their favorite things, have I got a mug of a gift for you. Clothing and accessory brand HUMAN goes for a very anatomical part of being one...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Chucky Bath Bomb

I know this Chucky Bath Bomb looks spherical, but take caution while using it. I can almost guarantee you there are some pointy edges hiding in there somewhere....

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Dual Beer Glass

$35 from Etsy »

At first I thought the Dual Beer Glass was intended for sampling two different types of beers at once, and I was like, How the dickens am I supposed to keep one from spilling all over my crotch when I'm drinking the other?...

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The Emojibator (NSFW)

$29 from Emojibator »

"If you can't find a date, emojibate." Some of you will chuckle and others will cringe, but Emojibator creator Jaime Jandler feels all she did was bring an obvious joke to life. And good for her. A little elbow grease...

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Flexing Arnold Rear Window Wiper Decal

$29.99 from House of Grafix »

It may take the sun to bring your guns out, but Schwarzenegger's here to flex his bad boys come dumping rain, sideways sleet, or blizzard of snow. Courtesy of House of Grafix, you can plaster Arnold in His Prime across...

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Mighty Mug - The Mug That Won't Fall

$20 - $35 from Mighty Mug »

We've all done it: knocked over a cup of coffee/sodie/water/vodka tonic at work and ruined something important. Like my entire week. Jayme Smaldone and his Mighty Mug cohorts blew out an important office computer with...

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Bob Ross Funko Pop Figure

$16.98 from Amazon »

Funko has decided to turn Bob Ross into one of their Pop! figures. Finally, Ross! You had to wait 22 years after your death to receive this honor, but, as it does when painting happy little clouds and trees, patience...

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Wake 'n' Bake Coffee Mug

$49.95 from Amazon »

There are a ton of these wake 'n' bake mugs out there, but I went with the delightful navy blue one you see here because its marketing is genius. Coffee or tea alongside my morning tokes? Pssshhh, F that. Fill that pipe...

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Stanley Stein Hockey Beer Mug

$89.99 from Amazon »

I don't always watch hockey, but when I do...I prefer to do it drunk of my ass so I find it more entertaining. This beer mug incarnation of the Stanley Cup looks like a great way to achieve drunk off my ass with a quickness....

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Dark Ride - Theme Park Cologne

$64 from Xyrena »

In explaining the motivation behind their Dark Ride, a cologne they describe as a scented mashup of Pirates of the Caribbean, Jurassic Park, Splash Mountain, and all of your favorite theme park water rides, fragrance...