119

R-Rated Talking Ted

By: on January 07, 2013
$118.97
Check It Out

Why do people always diss Mark Wahlberg? He makes such quality movies with filthy-mouthed talking teddy bears. And from forth the cinematic masterpiece that was that Ted comes the the plush masterpiece that is this Ted. A 24" cuddle monkey with the angelic face of a Care Bear and the profane mouth of a Goodfella, Ted is recommended for adults ages 18 and over who get a charge out of hearing a stuffed animal drop the F bomb and rip people a new one.

At the push of a button, the 1:1 scale movie replica spits out the following big-screen phrases:

  • "Yeah, I mean, y-you know when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places so I'm a little fucked up, but will you take care of me for ever and ever? ... Aha! I'm just kidding you! I thought it'd be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded."
  • "You ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? 'Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Harder! Harder! Oh, God, that was so good! Now I'm gonna stuff my fuckin' face with Pepperidge Farm.'"
  • "Well you never should've trusted me, I'm on drugs!"
  • "Alright c'mon, let's sing the Thunder Song. When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your Thunder Buddy and say these magic words: Fuck you, Thunder! You can suck my dick. You can't get me, Thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!" [Makes fart noise.]
  • "Oh fuck that, it's been 4 years, Johnny! You and me have been together for 27 years; where's my ring, huh? Where's my ring, asshole? Where's my ring, mother fucker? Put it on my fuzzy finger, you fuck! C'mon!"
Check it out

Pencil Time Pencils

$2.75 from Sharing Machine »

Do you know what time it is? ... It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Going back to school? It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Leaving the kids a list of chores? It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Filling out your order at Umami...

Check it out

Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

Check it out

Conor McGregor F*ck You Pinstripe Suit

$6,500 from David August »

I don't know how long the rest of the world will remember the Conor McGregor vs. Floyd Mayweather fight after it's over, but anyone who drops $6,500 on a David August Fuck You pinstripe suit like the one McGregor wore...

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas (NSFW)

$11.95 from Amazon »

Is further product description really needed? First there was Georgia O'Keefe, now there is author and illustrator Morgan Hastings. Black-and-white outlines of anatomical wonders beg for your acrylic and Crayola technicolor...

Buy Now

A is for Anus: The Alphabet (For Adults)

$9.99 from Amazon »

This alphabet isn't adult just because A is for Anus, but also because of the accompanying anatomical representation author Max Willy has selected to make sure everyone knows what an anus is. Stick out your pointer finger...

Check it out

You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

Check it out

Anatomical Gummi Bears

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...

Buy Now

Feisty Pets

$19.99 - $29.99 from Amazon »

These Feisty Pets are the perfect way to teach your kids about the true nature of animals. All cuddly puppy and squishy bear and magical unicorn at first sight, but get too close and...Rrrrrawwwrrr! Back the F off, son...

Check it out

Lewd and Obscene Party Game

$24.99 from Lewd and Obscene »

Lewd and Obscene, according to creator Anthony Annese, is what would happen "if Urban Dictionary and Balderdash had a one night stand and the condom broke." Testament #1 to the validity of that statement: mentally rotate...

Check it out

Spinning F Pin

$7.99 from Ball & Chain Co. »

When indecision strikes or words fail you, let fate decide the most appropriate way to F the situation. This enamel pin secures to your lapel where it will always be within finger's reach and ready to spin-a-fuck the...

Buy Now

F**k. The Game

$19.95 from Amazon »

Who would claim you can "get smarter while swearing at your friends?" F**kin' Australia, mates. F**k. The Game is an Aussie issue, and a mind trip of cards and colors and good ol' cussin' for us all. It's a spirited party...

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions

Sold Out from Amazon »

According to The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions, "Sex curls our toes, sparks our imagination, delightfully stimulates a multitude of sensations, makes us have funny faces, makes us docile and makes us crazy." Apparently...