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The Zombie Night Before Christmas

By: on November 05, 2013
The Zombie Night Before Christmas
  • The Zombie Night Before Christmas
  • The Zombie Night Before Christmas
  • The Zombie Night Before Christmas
  • The Zombie Night Before Christmas
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'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a living creature was stirring…but the undead ones were ampin' up to grub on some jolly fat man flesh.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, a brain feast commenced following Santa's bite from a zombie mouse.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when the kiddies who refused to go to bed, got not coal in their stockings but an organ-rotting virus that made them hunger for human flesh and turned them into the walking dead.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, this lady at the supermarket just now, bent over to get something out of the frozen meat cooler and, I guess her clothes didn't fit well or some shit (maybe she recently lost a lot of weight) and I accidentally saw down her blouse.

I think all of my intro options are far superior to the actual opener to Clement Moore and Parker Kelley's The Zombie Night Before Christmas, which underwhelms with, "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a zombie was stirring, not even a mouse." That doesn't even make sense. Am I really expected to believe all mice and Bill Murray are zombies now? I sure hope the undeading of this classic children's holiday poem gets better as the verses progress. More talk of entrails, machetes, and heads split vertically with axes should do the trick.