228

The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words

By: on April 18, 2013
$23.99
Check It Out

The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words includes a fair number of terms I would use in my grandma's presence. "Auxter", an Irish/Scottish slang term for armpit. "Apples", meaning breasts. "All that and a bag of chips", a phrase that must have made the book because...uh...author Alexis Munier likes chips? Me too, Alexis, especially Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips, but I thought we were talking "very dirty" here. Even my grandma's favorite expressions include, "You don't know shit from Shinola," and, "It's colder than a well digger's asshole." Is there nothing in your 384 pages that would make a whore blush?

Angry dragon.

OK, I guess there is.

With over 2,000 insults, obscenities, and vulgarities identified and defined, The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words embodies all levels of very badness, from colloquialisms to crudities to horribly filthy terms that wholesome boys from small midwestern towns should never have to see. For example (Cornelius, close your eyes):

  • 24/6, n. Always ready for a quickie, except on the Lord's day.
  • 4-11-44, n. A powerfully large penis.
  • ablutophiliac, n. Sexually excited by baths or showers.
  • airplane blonde, n. A woman with dyed blonde hair who still has a black "box".
  • answer the bone-a-phone, v. Masturbate.
  • avisodomy, n. Sexual fetish involving birds.
  • A bunch of others that merit listing here, but that I won't list so as to avoid angry letters from soccer moms and my own mom.

By far the highlight of The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words follows each entry's definition, where Munier uses the term in a sentence to give it context and make sure you can go out into the world and apply it properly on your own.

"After talking to my hot cousin last night I had to answer the bone-a-phone like you wouldn't believe."

"Patricia has a nice pair of apples, but if you've seen her mom you know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

"Keep your parakeets away from the neighbor--we think he's into avisodomy."

"At first I thought her ferret had gotten loose, but it turned out she's just an airplane blonde." (I made that one up. Also, ladies, ferrets are gross. Even the one that saved Arnold's life in Kindergarten Cop)

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas (NSFW)

$12.95 from Amazon »

Is further product description really needed? First there was Georgia O'Keefe, now there is author and illustrator Morgan Hastings. Black-and-white outlines of anatomical wonders beg for your acrylic and Crayola technicolor...

Check it out

Conor McGregor F*ck You Pinstripe Suit

$6,500 from David August »

I don't know how long the rest of the world will remember the Conor McGregor vs. Floyd Mayweather fight after it's over, but anyone who drops $6,500 on a David August Fuck You pinstripe suit like the one McGregor wore...

Check it out

Pencil Time Pencils

$2.75 from Sharing Machine »

Do you know what time it is? ... It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Going back to school? It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Leaving the kids a list of chores? It's Mother Fucking Pencil Time! Filling out your order at Umami...

Check it out

SIGMO Instant 25-Language Voice Translator

Discontinued

When I meet an attractive and well-endowed Portuguese exchange student, I feel that talk is overrated. Body language suits me juuust fine. However, when I'm lost on the streets of Istanbul and the only person willing...

Check it out

Lewd and Obscene Party Game

$24.99 from Lewd and Obscene »

Lewd and Obscene, according to creator Anthony Annese, is what would happen "if Urban Dictionary and Balderdash had a one night stand and the condom broke." Testament #1 to the validity of that statement: mentally rotate...

Buy Now

A is for Anus: The Alphabet (For Adults)

$9.99 from Amazon »

This alphabet isn't adult just because A is for Anus, but also because of the accompanying anatomical representation author Max Willy has selected to make sure everyone knows what an anus is. Stick out your pointer finger...

Check it out

Spinning F Pin

$7.99 from Ball & Chain Co. »

When indecision strikes or words fail you, let fate decide the most appropriate way to F the situation. This enamel pin secures to your lapel where it will always be within finger's reach and ready to spin-a-fuck the...

Buy Now

The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions

Sold Out from Amazon »

According to The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions, "Sex curls our toes, sparks our imagination, delightfully stimulates a multitude of sensations, makes us have funny faces, makes us docile and makes us crazy." Apparently...

Buy Now

F**k. The Game

$19.95 from Amazon »

Who would claim you can "get smarter while swearing at your friends?" F**kin' Australia, mates. F**k. The Game is an Aussie issue, and a mind trip of cards and colors and good ol' cussin' for us all. It's a spirited party...

Buy Now

Disturbed Friends - The Worst Game Ever Made

Sold Out from Amazon »

Consumer drones? Wearables? Self-driving cars (and -walking shoes)? Nah. I think politically incorrect card-based games that at some point make every person playing them feel extremely uncomfortable or self-conscious...

Check it out

Kama Sutra Chess Pieces (NSFW)

Discontinued

And suddenly, the intense inaction and sporadic finger movements of chess captivate the masses and enamor even those who have no idea what the hell is going on. Erotic chess pieces abound in Etsy vendor Nicola Ford's...

Buy Now

X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$16.01 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...