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How to Archer

By: on January 25, 2014
How to Archer
  • How to Archer
  • How to Archer
  • How to Archer
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Did you just get turned down for yet another job at the town spy agency? Did the seamstress chortle when you brought in your new suit to be hemmed? Has it been a long...long...time since you've had sex? If you're entering the danger zone of permanent loserdom, you have 2 choices: 1) Call Kenny Loggins to commiserate or 2) Get a copy of How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written.

The 6'2", 184-pound Duchess has news for you: spying is arduous, thankless work. It comes with few perks, and the main one of that sorry lot is just the pride of knowing you're helping keep your country safe.

Ha! That's a lie! And the truth is, the lie is what's important. Sterling Arthur admits up front in his first-person guidebook that "lying is like 95% of what I do." Sure, becoming a master spy isn't easy--and he'll plainly state you'll never be as good at it as he is--but thankless? If thankless means being shacked up in a hotel room with free-flowing bloody marys and a handful of expensive prostitutes...let's call it Whore Island...then yes, the world of espionage is incredibly thankless.

As far as applying your weapons, driving, and martial arts skills to honorably and proudly protecting your country, I'm sure Archer would agree that is definitely one option. Another would be using them to help sell a ton of cocaine that will fund your retirement.

It will always suck not being Sterling Archer, but How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written might at least make it easier to pretend.