Some for you, some for your brother Darryl, some for your other brother Darryl, some for your friend Cornelius. Here are our failsafe holiday gift picks for the dudes that mean the most to you. Plus the ones whose name you got stuck with when the hat rolled around. (Note: All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.)
Gadgets & Novelties
Bug-A-Salt Exterminating Shotgun ($43). The coolest thing invented for killing winged and many-legged pests since clapping your hands together and not coming up empty. Using nothing more than a few granules of regular table salt as its projectile, this miniature shotgun pelts and exterminates the likes of flies, mosquitoes, and spiders at an accuracy range of up to 3 feet.
Tactical Bacon ($26). Though cans will likely end up on most buyers' desks or bookcases instead of their grub plates, the fully-cooked, ready-to-eat strips of marbled meat and fat can be used for camping, emergency rations kits, and distracting pit bulls and zombies on the offense.
Mini Desktop Cannon ($34). This, unbelievably, is exactly what the name suggests, a mini desktop cannon that fires standard BBs.
Shark Repellent Grenade ($15). Surfers, SCUBA divers, mermaids, and baby seals now have a means of deterring the Ultimate Dread. These here grenades contain a highly calibrated concoction of science known as shark repellent. Latch one to your life vest, swimsuit, or other water gear and they'll emit a scent that's not just unappealing to the great predators of the sea, but that instills fear in their hearts.
ToastaBags ($7). To achieve melted bliss, stuff your favorite slices of bread with cheese, and preferred cheese adherents--ham, bacon, tomatoes, roasted peppers, mustard--slide the assembly into a ToastaBag, and drop it into the toaster. About 3 minutes later, an odiferous parcel of crisp, cheesy excellence will ascend, with no crumbs or lactose remnants left caked to the toaster grilles, and nary a dish getting soiled.
The Can Stamp ($7). Aluminum can identifiers. Embedded tags that will warn others against taking a sip from your designated pop-top, lest they backwash or touch the rim anywhere near what you just know are lip herpes, and force you to pop-top them in the neck, or maybe sap cap them in the nuts.
Skillet Bacon Jam ($16). A spreadable condiment made from real live (but dead) pigs. None of this bacon "flavored" or "essenced" BS--Skillet takes Niman Ranch bacon, and renders it down with onions, balsamic vinegar, and spices, before letting these Avengers of the edible world simmer for hours into a smoky, tangy, savory, and slightly sweet titan of the palate.
Security & Self Defense
Gotcha Cap Self Defense Tool ($40). Issued by FAB Defense, the Gotcha Cap is a covert self defense tool (and swell hat!) developed by Israeli martial arts expert Yaron Hanover and product designer Dov Ganchrow. It is rated "low profile" and "less lethal", the former because it slides easily and unnoticeably into/out of a holster screwed to the underside of the cap's bill, and the latter because it will presumably inflict pain and debilitate attackers without making you the guy who inadvertently put a Gotcha Cap in a dude's ass when you were just trying to keep him from stealing your wallet.
BARSKA Biometric Safe ($167). It's pretty simple: your valuables; your safe; your fingerprint. BARSKA's biometric guardian of cash, firearms, last wills and testaments, and treasures you stole from Smaug allows keyless access only to those with the correct genetic code.
DIY Hidden Door Hinge System ($140). If you've got the handymanliness and desire, save yourself a wad of cash by installing your very own secret passage to the Bat Cave. This Hidden Door System hardware attaches to a bookshelf (not included, you gotta build that too) to create a 24" to 36" inswinging or outswinging door.
Waves MFS Physio-Tactical Pocket Stick ($51). What "physio-tactical" basically means is that after you use the tool to beat the shit out of an attacker, you can then pop a squat on the curb and use it to soothe your hand cramp and unknot the forearm muscles that seized up in the process. The Waves MFS: from assault weapon to spa frill in 3 seconds flat.
Jagdkommando Knife ($929). If you're looking to stab someone in the back, knife them in the heart, or just royally screw them over, Microtech's MCT1057 Jagdkommando fixed blade knife is the definitive (and probably most expensive) way to do it.
Zombie Hammer Survival Tools ($80 - $140). These knuckle dustered apocalyptic weapons are all made of American steel. Zombie Hammer--which, for the record, deters the use of their products on anything that is alive--currently smiths 8 or so different weapons of zombie destruction and dismemberment. They range in appearance, function, and covetousness from F'ing Sick to No F'ing Way.
Tech & Electronics
DJI Phantom UAV Drone ($429). DJI Innovations' Phantom UAV Drone Quadcopter with integrated GoPro camera mount may usurp professional photographers. With the robot doing the work of the trained professional, you, I, or any asshole off the street who can be entrusted with a remote control and a thousand dollars worth of equipment can take National Geographic-quality photos and shoot cinematic masterpieces on par with Brokeback Mountain. Wait, no, I meant Braveheart. On par with Braveheart!
Android MK802 Mini PC ($37). When launched through its HDMI input, the MK802 Mini PC runs as a media player, Internet browser, game machine, or for "general use". I'm not sure exactly what "general use" means, but I have a feeling it has something to do with either spreadsheets and word processing, or porn.
Mycestro 3D Mouse Ring ($149). A mouse worn on the index finger. Simple hand movements remotely deliver all of the same mouse commands as a grounded device. And here, there's no little ball to get gunked up and jammed, or touchpad to freak out when fingers get slightly sweaty, or greasy from doubling up on computing and Cheetos eating.
iPin Mobile-Powered Laser Pointer ($50). It's a smartphone with a frickin' laser pointer! iPin mobile-powered laser pointers insert into the 3.5 mm headphone minijack of an iPhone or Samsung Galaxy for instant access to a 635nm laser beam.
Bheestie Moisture Remover ($18). A mylar bag filled with moisture beads for overnight electronics and headphones dry-out sessions. Works for up to a year, or until its beads turn from blue to white. It's way less messy, and far more portable than rice, and in addition to healing doused equipment, will also preserve and prolong the lives of that which encounters moisture repeatedly, say, at the gym, ocean, or ski slopes.
Health & Fitness
Bas Rutten O2 Trainer ($50). Who wants to wheeze like a fat asthmatic chasing down the ice cream man? Temporarily anyway. MMA master and onetime UFC Heavyweight Champion Bas Rutten developed his O2 Trainer to build strength in a part of the body many weightlifters and die hard resistance junkies neglect: the lungs. When worn during exercise, the O2 Trainer improves inspiratory (inhalation) muscle endurance by conditioning wearers' lungs and, in turn, the rest of their bodies to execute high-level activities with less oxygen.
Fat Gripz Arm Builders ($39). A pair of rubber-like cylinders that slide over barbells, dumbbells, pull-up bars, monkey bars, or car steering wheels to thicken them up. Many believe the use of thick-handled bars turbocharges upper body power and muscle development because they require more muscles in the hands, forearms, and upper arm areas to fire during gripping and prolonged holding processes. Fat Gripz replicate the effect of thick bars, but profess to be even better due to their versatility and ease of application.
TITIN Weighted Training Shirt ($250). Here's a way to make yourself way less comfortable, but way more badass while working out. The TITIN Force is a complete weighted compression system all tucked into a short sleeve shirt. It utilizes a 3-part hyper gravity approach to help boost training efficiency, speed, balance, endurance, and vertical leap.
Intelliskin PostureCue Clothing ($85 - $99). Built-in PostureCue technology encourages the muscles that support and align your spine and shoulders to remain active and strong at all times. Cover your body in Intelliskin while working out, playing sports, or sitting at your desk, and the company says it will both improve posture instantly, plus ingrain better long-term postural habits that will endure whether you're wearing their clothing or not.
blk. Bottled Water ($42). Artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest Reserve. And it takes itself very seriously, claiming to be richly endowed with fluvic minerals and other alchemic phenomena that will turbocharge your life force, despite the fact no one has ever heard of them. Ahhh, Canadians.
Elevation Training Mask 2.0 ($80). Provides the same pulmonary resistance training as its predecessor, but instead of covering wearers' entire face such that they look like they're in the midst of a full-on gas raid, it covers only the nose and mouth such that they just look like they have a touch of the SARS virus. At 9.6 ounces, the 2.0 Elevation training mask also weighs less half of the original, and with a soft, neoprene-covered rubber face shell, should prove to be more comfortable to wear.
Digital Cordless Jump Rope ($14). Unlike a BLT without the bacon or a stripper without the boobies, a jump rope without the rope might actually be an improvement upon the original. With little balls attached to short lengths of cord replacing the full handle-to-handle connection, this ropeless jump rope maintains the feel and delivers the effect of the standard version, but eliminates the need for a wide open surrounding space and bodily coordination. Its digital keypad tracks time and number of jumps, plus estimates calories burned base on the user's height and weight.
PB2 - Powdered Peanut Butter ($7). Not since Grow Toys and Sea Monkeys has the simple addition of water created a miracle of Powdered Peanut Butter caliber. Obviously, the 85% reduction in fat and calories renders it more a loose approximation of peanut butter than the thing itself, but health-conscious consumers who have put so much hummus on their gluten-free toast that they're starting to sweat garbanzo beans will fall to their knees in praise of the gods of molecular gastronomy.
Grooming & Lifestyle
Sir Hare Head Shaving Oil ($15). The ironically named Sir Hare makes grooming products for those hairless of both head and face. Their cornerstone tincture, a head shaving oil, hopes to rid bald men of the creamed "Can of Goo" they are currently using to remove follicular growth.
Sure F**K Cologne ($25). Sure Fuck makers (Sure Fuckers?) explain that their no-fail odiferous lady bait is the product of extensive scientific research and experimentation at the two places a man is least likely to convince a woman to sleep with him: a nunnery and a WNBA game. The resultant, ultimate-libido-lighting formula has proven to get single dudes laid 96.5% of the time. And though the probability that Sure Fuck-wearing married men will persuade their wives to have sex with them is slightly lower at 86.7%, SF'ers do point out that this number is significantly higher than the standard odds of 0%.
Slothzilla Shower Curtain ($65). A delightful representation of the laziest, most innocuous attack ever.
MyPakage Keyhole Comfort Underwear ($18 - $38). A notable upgrade from standard underwear, MyPakage's KeyHole is a 3-dimensional internal pouch that cradles the family jewels and eliminates the need for shifting, adjusting, and excusing yourself from A/C-less board meetings and 90-degree summer BBQs to extract the penis congealed to the side of your leg.
How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written ($11). Did you just get turned down for yet another job at the town spy agency? Did the seamstress chortle when you brought in your new suit to be hemmed? Has it been a long...long...time since you've had sex? If you're entering the danger zone of permanent loserdom, you have 2 choices: 1) Call Kenny Loggins to commiserate or 2) Get a copy of How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written.
Morninghead 5-Second Hairstylist ($11). A cap lined with a proprietary, super-absorbent cloth material that drinks up a few ounces of water, and distributes them evenly across its surface. Users can then put on the Morninghead like a shower cap, scrunch the water through their hair, and easily ready tresses for smoothing. No more sopping wet follicles, no more water oozing down your face and onto your clothes, and no more bending over and risking a concussion. It's like a ShamWow! for your head.
Rocking Whiskey Glasses ($25). A set of 6 glasses perfect for aerating whiskey and giving idle hands something to do besides the devil's bidding.
Pelican Crush-Proof Backpacks ($75 - $350). Pelican's laptop backpacks are all fitted with a trademark Pelican protector case. Available in varying pack sizes and for varying laptop/tablet sizes, one Pelican characteristic remains constant in all of these bags: their inserts are crushproof, watertight, and impact-resistant.
Rated M for Mature Audiences
Big Book of Breasts 3D ($42). Includes 108 boobalicious photos that, paired with the included third dimension glasses, explode from the book's pages as fully rounded body contours, right into the reader's face where they belong.
The Big Butt Book 3D ($28). Same as above, but with the other kind of humps.
How to Live with a Huge Penis ($12). I hear this book has delivered invaluable guidance and coping mechanisms to heroic men of great stature, such as Chuck Norris, Khal Drogo, and Madonna. Specifically, it explores and allays insecurities about the genetic birth defect known as Oversized Male Genitalia. According to authors Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG each year.
Fundies - Underwear Built for Two ($10). Recommended by 4 out of 5 therapists, and 5 out of 5 fans of the missionary position.